Anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions on my face and my daily thrills, pills and dramatics are sent via text or phone call to share with my other halves.  Turning 40 for me wasn't just another number as some folks would whisper in my ear to ease my pain.  It was a changing of the guard of sorts.....what have I accomplished?  where am I in my life? do I love who I am?  do I surround myself with positive people?  do I eat right..not well, but RIGHT?  do I exercise daily?  do I have enough money in the bank?  do I pray daily?  do I pay it forward?  okay okay okay you get it but the reality is I could go on and on and on.  

I worry!  Yes, me.  I worry that I'm not the person people want me to be.  I worry that I'm not the friend I need to be because I'm too worried about making changes to be that right person.  I worry that I will never get to a size 6 in this lifetime.  I worry that I will disappoint the people I care about the most in my life.  

I want to change things overnight!  It's just like with my Mom when she decided a room needed rearranging.  We didn't wait for my Dad to get home, we did it stat.  We pushed and pushed a huge iron bed and dressers because we wanted it done right then and there!  I'm a lot like that right now with my life.  I want changes stat!  I am having to really reassess and back the bus up and practice patience and grace (one of my favorite words). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace  

This morning I got into a fight.  It was ugly.  It hurt.  It was with the Stairmaster five minutes after I arrived for my morning workout.  I have such disdain for that machine!  It hates me and I hate it!  I don't know why I let it beat me.  I am letting it win and I'm so mad at myself.  I'd rather do 100 crunches (which I might add, I did this morning) than 5 minutes on that dreaded machine.  I did a great workout this morning and I'm doing it 4 days a week which is huge for me!  

I came home to reassess and this is my game plan for tomorrow morning:  

When I feel I can't step another step, climb another stair, I will focus my mind on my Crescent Elementary classmate, Angie Lewis, who is battling breast cancer and has lost her hair, been hospitalized due to a blood clot in her port, is still working in the heat at the Experiment Station because she is single and has to pay her medical and household bills.  Her mantra is, "I Got This!"  And you know what, if Angie can think, "I Got This!" as chemo is entering her body, by God, I can conquer that Stairmaster and any other tasks my trainer gives me.  

When I feel I can't step another step, climb another stair, I will focus my mind on the parents of Welles Crowther, who lost their son on 9/11 in the World Trade Center.  Please take time to watch the ESPN video.    http://vimeo.com/28524573

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2002/america.remembers/stories/heroes/welles.html

The Crowther's story is one of thousands from that day but it touched me in a deep way because I feel he made such a difference on his last day here on earth and his legacy is still impacting others that he saved on that day.  He knew before he died that he wanted to change jobs.  That's what 40 has done to me.....reassess, reassess, reassess and decide who, what, where I need to be.  

Hi, I'm 40

If you read this blog, you are my friend and you know I am all about a list.  Turning 40 makes it the perfect scenario for a list…

I’m not going to add to my already stressful bucket list by doing the normal 40 things to accomplish in my 40^th year.  I decided to reminisce over my 40 years on this earth and pluck out a few of my faves from over the decades.   Enjoy!

• Charlie’s Angels –  "Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the police academy. And they were each assigned very hazardous duties, but I took them all away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Charlie."

• MTV’s debut and jumping off the couch during Duran Duran’s The Reflex – fle fle flex!

• Schoolhouse Rock – “Conjunction Junction, What’s your function?”, “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your adverbs here” 

• Jaws and the fact that Brian B wouldn’t take a shower to save his life that night after we watched it at my house.

• Leaving the GHS Football game early with Mrs. Benincosa to find out Who Shot J.R.

• Jordache, Sergio Valente, Gloria Vanderbilt, Calvin Klein, Izods, Polos and God bless my parents who couldn’t afford any of the above mentioned but somehow managed to keep me cool in them.  

• Grease is the word!  Our first movie we saw together as a family at Parkwood Cinemas.  

• Bon Jovi – God knows I didn’t think I would still be craving a Jon Bon Jovi hair band concert at the age of 40!  He is 50!  I only pray I will feel like he does ten years from now. 

• Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons all down her back, back, back 

• Jams, Banana Clips, Homemade Ribbon Barrettes in green/gold for the Griffin Bears

• Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor and all it’s pomp and circumstance with the mack daddy bowls of dozens of scoops of ice cream for a birthday celebration!

• St Elmo’s Fire with a dreamy Rob Lowe and his ever so taboo dangling earring 

• Barbie Styling Head (looking back on this…..it’s kind of creepy.  I think I would have the heebie jeebies if I woke up and saw this staring at me…but boy did I think I was gonna take Fantastic Sam’s by storm styling and profiling)

• Donnie & Marie Osmond dolls with pink and purple shredded outfits.

Here's the shot of me receiving my lovely D&M dolls. Greg was thrilled beyond measure!

A Letter to Chandler

Dear Chandler,                                                         

It is hard to put into words how proud I am of you and your recent accomplishments.  I googled to come up with a quote or two and found so many different things I liked both funny and serious so I decided to incorporate them into my letter.  I wanted to impart some advice I wish had been given to me as I was released into the adult working world that can be so overwhelming and unforgiving at times.    

It is so funny to me that we are nearly 2 decades apart, yet you have taught me so much in your last 2 years of college.  You accomplished in a short time what many only dream of…. a new city, a new school, new lifetime friends, a dream degree, a dream internship and all with an upbeat smile on your face.  I’ve often wondered why you had to experience the uphill battle you did when you first moved to Milledgeville.  I don’t wonder it anymore.  I feel it is a part of you and happened to help mold you into the strong, beautiful, hard working, confident young woman you are today.      

Your time on earth is limited; so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition – they both somehow already know what your truly want to become in life.  Everything else is secondary. 

I want you to be an actor in your own life.  Infuse your life with action.  Don’t wait for it to happen.  Make it happen.  Make your own future.  Make your own hope.  Make your own love.  And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from up on high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen yourself, right now, right down here on earth. 

Have no fear.  God has your back.  And sometimes, you find out what you are supposed to be doing by doing the things you are not supposed to do.  So don’t expect the perfect job that defines your life’s work to come along next week.  If that does happen, take the blessing and run with it.  But, if not, be grateful to be on the path where you eventually want to live.  Abide in the space of gratitude, because this is what I know for sure…that only through being grateful for how far you’ve come in your past can you leave room for more blessings to flow.  Blessings flow in the space of gratitude.  Everything in your life is happening to teach you more about yourself so even in a crisis, be grateful.  When you experience disappointment, be grateful.  When things aren’t going the way you want them to, be grateful that you have sense enough to turn it around. 

It is one of those remarkable truths of life that when God becomes strongly present in our awareness, the wisdom, strength and guidance we need flow effortlessly into us.  So yield to the quiet summons to pause and reflect.  Reject the pressure to carry the weight of the world.  Take moments to cease from activity and struggle in order to become aware of God in your life.  You may well find more than you looked for. 

ON A FINAL NOTE…. ELLEN DEGENERES SAID IT BEST…

“Life is like one big Mardi Gras but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain and if they like what they see you'll have more beads than you'll know what do with.”

While I know you aspire to be strolling down the red carpet with a microphone, you know you don’t have to be famous…. you just have to make your mother and father proud of you and you already have. 

Bravo to you! 

I love you as if you were my own. 

Congratulations Chan Chan!

Love, Aunt Nat

The Golden Rule

It's real simple....that good old Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It's even reiterated in different versions in the Bible -- Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12.  We grew up hearing our parents, teachers, preachers and other adults saying it to us over and over and over yet why is it so hard sometimes to follow and practice what we preach?

I've been fortunate to be surrounded by countless wonderful role models in my life.  Recently, I have found myself going through a transformation in deciding on exactly where God is leading me and what path He wants me to take.  Admittedly, I am frustrated.  I struggle with who, what, where, when and why?  I struggle with feeling let down by people I thought I knew, I struggle with feeling judged by fellow Christians who seem to feel they wield a higher knowledge of His word, I struggle with where I should be everyday in my daily walk with Christ, I struggle with forgiving and why I'm not being forgiven by others and most recently, I struggle with WHY?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  In writing this blog, it has taken a different direction than I originally intended but I suppose that was the entire purpose of me blogging in the first place -- therapy!   


One would have to be under a rock not to know the recent tragedies which occurred April 27th in the South.  The tornado outbreak and destruction was deadly, tragic and shocking.  I stayed awake until 3:00 AM that morning following the news, facebook and twitter and praying none of my family and friends would be in the path.  I found myself texting JT's mom at midnight when I heard Glenn Burns say, "If you are on Birdie Road in Spalding County, take cover!"  Sure enough, it hit right beside her.  Thankfully, she was fine along with her home but her neighbors and community are not.  


I immediately woke up with an urge, a yearning to do something, a feeling of being grateful for being alive but also feeling a need to help others who weren't so lucky.  I often struggle with the question do I pay it forward nearly enough?  Hence, that darn Golden Rule creeping back in and seeping into my conscious my parents raised me with.  There are 4 people I credit with instilling these values in me of paying it forward.  


Meet.....Jane and Ralph Gatlin

  
These 2 helped me stay on task in my high school and collegiate years.  I remember a funny story of Mr. Gatlin picking up a hitchhiker in North Georgia to help him out and his daughter Amy and her friend waking up startled to see a stranger in the car.  This man of God and his wife stand for everything I love about being a Christian and a steward of the community.  There is no telling how many dollar bills he has handed out in blessing the less fortunate.  I don't think he will ever fully understand the impact he has had on my life.  


My Mom & Dad

  

I am richly blessed with parents who are "doers."  My Mom, a stroke and brain tumor survivor, can get more done in one day than the average young healthy adult.  They have taught me that it is always more fulfilling to pay it forward and to help others.  Jean Ann & Barnes having taken men who have just gotten out of jail to get clothing and toiletries, driven a man to the bus stop who was stuck in Griffin after a car wreck, cooked countless meals at the soup kitchen, passed out countless vouchers weekly at Benevolence.....and I could go on and on.  The beauty of all of the above is they don't ask for anything in return, they don't advertise their good deeds, they simply lay their heads down on their pillows at night feeling blessed for all they have been blessed with.      

This leads me to the last part of my blog......"The Tornadiacs."  I felt any great volunteer team for tornado relief deserved a name.  Shortly after the tornado hit, a website, Volunteer Network: Tornado Relief for Spalding County, popped up on Facebook.  These girls rock!  They have brought together a community and plugged in volunteers, workers and helped victims all over Griffin.  I'm amazed at them!  They led me to Jerry Gilreath on Patterson Road.  Jerry and her 3 dogs (a motley crew I might add) survived the tornado while watching her home and her belongings being sucked out around her.  In the picture below, it shows the 3 sided lean-to/barn she is currently living in which has no running water.  It is heartbreaking!  However, once one meets Jerry you quickly feel that she has been through tough times before in her life and this is just one more added to her biography and she is a survivor!  Several of us spent Saturday and Sunday out at Jerry's doing all we could to clean up the aftermath of debris.  Coleman chain sawed, Ellis loved on Jerry and Molly, Suni, Ben, Amanda, April, Chandler, Claire Ann, Leighton and I raked debris and sifted through trash looking for anything we could find to salvage for Jerry.  Her wants were simple....pictures of her daughter who had been murdered, pictures and the folded flag from her husband's funeral, a tiny box holding a cross and chain for her son from his father and 3 rings (one of which had miraculously been found).  Sadly, the salvageable items are few and far between.  Suni did find her bathtub way back in the woods.  It's a good thing Jerry didn't make it to the tub like she intended!      

Jerry's old foundation where her home once stood

Suni on her gazillionth swing of the rake

Ben, Claire Ann, Chandler & April working at Jerry's

Ellis and Molly the sweet puppy who survived

It was the most frustrating feeling to even try to know where to begin in cleaning.  As my closest friends know, I'm a much better Indian than I am a Chief and my ADD kicked in big time with all of the mass chaos around me.  I cannot imagine how Jerry must feel or all of the other victims in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi.  One thing I've learned is we can all do something!  We each were blessed with different talents in helping....some cook, some clean, some write checks, some pray, some hug, some wash clothes.  Hopefully you will feel led in a direction to do something and remember the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

"Bloom where you are planted."

Four years ago today I received a call no family member ever wants to receive. My Mom was being life flighted with a double bleed on her brain to Emory Hospital.  Wow!  Friends, family, doctors, prayer chains, phone calls all went into action.  I don't want to focus on the negative in this post....I want to focus on three years later...today.  My Mom is a giver, a doer, a force to be reckoned with, a donater (sometimes of junk to Good Will :)), a confidant, a dependent friend, a loyal wife, a Christian, a volunteer, a 110%er!  

Quotes have been a part of my life as long as I can remember.  I have countless little books, magazine articles, copies from the library and the list goes on from my Mom.  "To teach is to touch a life."  If I had a dollar for every person who has said to me, "Ohhh I love your Mom, she was my all time favorite teacher!" I would be rich.  She has touched many lives over the years.  

In parting, one of her favorite quotes of all time is, "Bloom where you are planted."  

AND BLOOM SHE HAS!  

Jergens, Pecans and Triominoes

When I awoke this morning, my calendar alerted me that today in 2003, my Nannie passed away.  Today seems as perfect as any to memorialize her and all she meant to me in my life.  

I've wanted to write about my Nannie and Granddaddy for a long time now but every single time I start to type I freeze and tears slide down my face.  The memories are palpable.  They flood around me when I least expect it.  I can be at the grocery store and see some Jergens lotion my Nannie always had in her bathroom or I can be at the drug store and pass the aisle of vitamins and fish oil tablets and see them in my Granddaddy's bathroom on the shelf.  

If I were to list with bullet points who Mary Virginia Renfroe Zellner was to the outside world they would not nearly tell you the person she really was in my eyes.  

• China painter
• Daughters of the American Revolution member
• Christ United Methodist Church member
• Retired Southern Bell employee

To me, my Nannie was a wife of nearly 65 years to the love of her life, she was my Triominoes and solitaire partner, she was my Date with Dell/As The World Turns TV buddy, she was my biggest fan.  I could do no wrong in her eyes and selfishly I miss having that ally in my world.  It didn't matter what I did, I was her girl, her "sister" (see previous post about "E"), her granddaughter, her world, her Natalie Ann.  

I choose to remember my Nannie as she was during my years of visiting her in Forsyth for two weeks in the summer as a child (The Alzheimer's which took over her body late in life was not at all who my Nannie was in my eyes.)  Life was so simple then, so full of easy tasks such as picking up pecans in the field, feeding the latest brood of cats and kittens in pie tins, heading to the local Salon to get my hair curled as a treat, heading to McDonald's or Dairy Queen (one of only 2 fast food restaurants in Forsyth, Georgia) and going to covered dish suppers at her church.  I could go on and on with so many memories I cherish of my time with her.  

I only have a few pictures on my computer of Nannie and am minus a scanner so I will share more later.  

If you are still fortunate to have your Nannie or your Granddaddy in your life or in your kids, be a sponge!  Take in all you can of their love, hugs and kisses.  

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.  Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.  ~Alex Haley

Nannie with my Mom, Jean Ann Zellner O'Neal

Nannie with newborn Margaret Virginia O'Neal

Nannie with Margaret -- she was so happy when Margaret was around

Holiday Bliss & Blues

It's been a while since I blogged which makes me sad because the whole point of my blog was for it to be therapeutic writing for me.

The months of November and December seem like they only existed of Emory Hospital, the inside of a car, Hobby Lobby and my bed.  The eternal optimist that my Mom taught me to be tells me to look back upon this time and reflect on it as a time our family bonded during a crisis, my true friends once again proved their loyalty and never ending support and my boyfriend spent his entire vacation selflessly shuttling my Mom and I back and forth to Emory along with salvaging our very non traditional Christmas Eve & Christmas morning with groceries and a place to sleep.

Christmas Eve at Emory

Suni's awesome sign which was a hit with all of the Emory staff

Hall & Margaret with the annual gingerbread house

Demolition of the house

Mini "cujo" KC adapting to holiday chaos amidst Hobby Lobby bags 

I was so happy to come home & turn this on every night. Who cares if it's a fake?

Mom after a long Emory day with her KC

JT and Ellie Cat - if she can't make you smile, no one can!

I would be remiss in not including a memorial to 2 very special people who left a footprint in many hearts during their life.  

 Betty W. Johnson 2/17/33-11/10/10

In November, JT's Granny, Betty Johnson, went to heaven.  I never had the opportunity to get to know her as well as I would have liked; however, after listening to the many family stories and her funeral service, there is zero doubt that heaven gained another angel on November 10th.  I am forever amazed at the family she built out on Walkers Mill Road.  It's as if she was a momma bird gathering all of her babies to keep them in a nest to nurture them for a lifetime.  She had 3 daughters and many grandchildren to all continue the traditions of family dinners, holidays and gatherings.  Tears were shed but more importantly laughter echoed throughout her house the afternoon of her service.  How awesome is it that an entire family can gather and smile, laugh and reminisce about their Granny -- what a life to celebrate! 

Larry Neill 2/3/37-12/16/10

"Granddaddy Cookie"

December presented another tough loss -- April's Dad, Larry and Chan and CAE's Granddaddy Cookie.  I love the picture of him above because I feel it represents his jovial personality.  I can hear him now laughing at Chandler, fussing at Claire Ann and talking to Griswald.  I believe God works wonders and I know it was meant to be for my last visit with Larry to be one of laughter and hilarious comments to the nurses.  Our ongoing joke was about JT, his red hair, our dating and his "weird name". I like to think of Larry leaving us exactly as he came to us -- loving, smiling, joking, betting and golfing.  It's rather comforting to think that when the tears eventually dry up, everyone is left with all of those fun traits for memories.  

I shared this with a few loved ones this week via text but I love it so much I want to close with it as well.  

"They are not the stars but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."   

Food for thought.....what do people think about you?  what footprint are you leaving on hearts?