The phone call no one ever wants....

It's been a particularly hard week full of peaks and valleys. 
I have to blog this off my chest. Bear with me....

• My right SI joint went out.  Who knew it could be put back in with a little "now I'm going to have to beat you up to do this".  Rough rough day. 
• Happy news!  X-ray of hip back with no issues 
• A friend going through a really rough time and I can't fix it. I can only pray through it. 
• Went back to support group for the first time in weeks. Lost my patience -- I am attributing it to being under house arrest for 20 plus days. I wasn't pleased with my reaction. While frustrating when one person takes up 75 percent of the meeting, their reality is they needed that 75% and if it helped them or anyone else in that room, that's all that really matters. Perspective.  
• Feeling cooped up and let down by people in my life this week. Aka I'm playing the victim which isn't attractive or cool for anyone involved. 
• Drove myself to get a pedi today to lift my spirits. :) it worked. 
• Super excited thinking about my friends wedding this weekend and her happiness and reminding myself that 2nd chances are the best for her too. 

And then it happened... 

The phone call no one ever wants to get about a loved one. 

My voicemail from my frantic mom said something along the lines of Natalie I just got home and Dad was unresponsive and couldn't talk and the ambulance is on the way. Please call me. 

I fell apart. I couldn't do anything but hand the phone to JT to call. I have been prepping in therapy for this very thing and I crumbled. Every coping skill I know vanished. 

And here I am unable to travel that far. 

After many calls, texts later, we are praying it isn't a stroke and is blood sugar related.  We are awaiting many test results.  Thank goodness for my brother being able to go and make me feel as if I were in the room.  I am a Daddy's girl and not being able to be by his side is killing me.  And thank God for JT's strength.  While it is 425 am and I have not closed my eyes due to back pain and worry, I'm still focusing my thoughts on the prayer JT said with me tonight and the sweet friends who are always there to lift me and my family.  God has this!  

I am not proud of how I handled all of this tonight but this I can guarantee you-- I will learn and grow from it all.  I will continue to practice replacing negative thoughts with positive. 

Don't believe everything you......think!  

iPhone calendar

I am a huge believer of "Live in the Now" especially because the two people who have contributed to my depression recovery, preach it.....my Psychiatrist and my Therapist.  

Unfortunately.....  Living in the now right now is excruciating for me.  I won't bore you with the long drawn out story but I will summarize it in a very long lengthy sentence if only for my own sanity to get it off my chest.

Random back pain, nausea, in NYC, City MD appt, Shots, Business meeting, Back to Hotel, more nausea due to excessive pain, took entire hour to dress, collapse in lobby, Ambulance to Lenox Hill, batteries of tests, blood work, CT scans with no results, JT flies to NYC, Filled meds, wheel chair, long flight, tears, crawling, suni crawling with me, Suni washing my hair in a bin propped on a suitcase, Resurgens X-rays, no diagnosis, we cry and pray, Schedule MRI, Arrive at facility, MRI machine breaks, Travel to Kennesaw for MRI, MRI shows zip, we cry and pray some more, Appt w Primary Care Doctor, Primary care doctor misdiagnosis with shingles along w the sweet quote I can't help you, running out of pain meds, Begging for pain clinic appt, Appt at Northside Spine & Pain Center, finally an angel diagnosing me with Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction & an inflamed hip bursa sac, we cry and pray, Referred radiating pain worsens, Ice, More medicine, Physical therapy, 60 grueling exercises per day at home,  radiating, more ice, sweet Ben bringing lunch laughs Easter basket, dinner and love, PT cancellation yesterday, Parents half way to Atlanta only to turn back around, more tears, a friend to listen thank God, Sitting upstairs knowing something is downstairs I need but I can't get, a PT schedule to be hashed out who takes me when while JT tries to work and I work in 45 minute segments.  Day 18 of being house bound sans Doctor appointments.  Scour YouTube videos and do my own exercises and feel amazing tonight... wait, no it is 114 am and I had to apply ice and take a pain pill.  
I AM OVER IT!   I'VE BEEN HOSTING AN UGLY PITY PARTY AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GET IT!  

I couldn't include my sweet husband in the above litany because there are not enough words in  the dictionary to say how supportive he has been.  He cries with me, stays up all night with me   
when I hurt, prays with me, lays on the floor and does the same exercises and counts with me and many other blessings.  With each trial we have been given, our marriage grows stronger and we as individuals do as well. 

I've been praying for a sign as I lay here unable to rest and it was here all along all day on my iPhone calendar. 

APRIL 7
Mom-stroke-2007

On this day, my Mom came dangerously close to leaving us. She experienced a double bleed stroke and was life flighted to Emory.  If my Mom can persevere and relearn how to walk, write, tie a shoe, etc. I CAN AND WILL survive this chronic pain. 

A text my friend Dusty sent this week is resonating as well tonight, "tell her she has the same God within her!"  It made me think to tell myself, "I have the same strength she had in 2007 within me."  

I CAN DO THIS!  

I may not be on a sunny beach like half of Instagram is at the moment but I am so grateful for 
God's perspective and message to me tonight along with the strength my Mom passed along.