I am laying in my childhood bed feeling like I have erased a 4 from my 44 years of age.
Tonight I was 4 all over again and I needed my mama.
Yesterday....
I was enveloped in smiles, remember whens, hugs, friendship and pictures. I cried when I got in my car to leave. I didn't cry out of sadness, I cried because my heart felt a rush of happiness and I felt each second, minute, hour with my friends and relished in it all. I was "present".
Today ....
I floated -- hugging, smiling, laughing... All the things one should be doing during the holidays.
Today ....
I lived a lie. I had an overwhelming sadness. I was drowning and watching all those around me breathing. I received the best news about my Dad's recent health diagnosis and I couldn't feel happy. I spent the morning with family and yummy food and hilarious stories and I couldn't feel those around me. I drank mimosas with people I love and played games and felt empty.
Tonight...
I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't smile. I couldn't pretend.
Soooo this is depression.
For all of you who wonder what it really feels like.
I received this text tonight...
"Why the depression All is good"
It compelled me to write and I haven't wanted to write in a long time.
I am many things tonight
I am grateful I know what these feelings are.
I am grateful I have my family.
I am overflowing with gratitude for my husband who says nothing. He doesn't have to, he holds me, he gets me and cradles me through it all.
I am grateful it is the birthday of Jesus.
I am grateful I'm still able to be in my childhood bed with my parents down the hall.
Most of all.... I am grateful that my feelings are temporary.
Depression doesn't discriminate and choose which day it wants to arrive.
My friend is right... All is good. That is how I know what clinical depression truly is. Feeling empty when I should be full.
I'm sorry for not being present at times and not returning calls etc. I truly am. I think about it often. I'm also sorry for not being able to explain why I don't at times. I want to blame the family funeral this week, the work deadlines, the lack of sleep, the horrid rain and gloomy weather but the reality is I can't. I can only blame the disease and promise that I will do all I can to fight back.
Tomorrow.....
A new beginning. A fresh start. Another chance to wake up and be present and grateful.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
