You are my Plan "A"

3 years, 
8 months & 
1 day ago...

...these 3 laid on my bed & dressed me, prepped me, hugged me and sent me on my way to Atlanta for what I thought would be a night of drinks, dinner and catching up with a certain red head I hadn't laid eyes on since the Sigma Chi house at Georgia Tech in 1993.  

The Clems

6 days ago...

that certain red head asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  

JT asked me when I knew I loved him.  I didn't have one single lightning flash of a moment, however; I knew the minute I got in my car leaving him from our first "date" that God had opened my heart to love again.  I am not a fan of living in the past because I once lived there too long and the environment didn't suit me too well.  I do think it's worth sharing what I heard a couple of Sundays ago in church,  "Our past doesn't define us, it refines us."  I am feeling pretty refined these days.    

I asked JT when he knew that he loved me.  

Hand drawn photo of my Grandparents house
Forsyth, GA

He said he knew it the moment I opened this gift from him when he saw my face.
I knew from that moment that "he got me and I got him."  It is the single most special gift I have ever received from someone, especially considering JT never got to meet my Nannie & Granddaddy.  My entire childhood is wrapped up in that house -- fields of pecans, swings, kitty cats, gardening, fried chicken, chocolate pudding and pure southern love.   

We don't have a map for life and sometimes it's very easy to get turned around and go in different directions.  During the 3 years, 8 months and 1 day that we've been together we've experienced many directions in our lives....a death, a wedding and 2 sweet babies being born in JT's family, the major heart surgery of my Dad, the hospitalization of my Mom, the loss of 2 pets, the loss of a friendship, the harsh reality that not everyone "gets" us, the sweet surprise that so many people are genuinely happy for us.  

There's no one I'd rather sit on a porch with, drink coffee with, vacation with, grieve with, laugh with, cook with, argue with, make up with and live with.  It's a good thing people.  Second chances are a good thing!  

Ginger,

You are my Plan "A" because there will not be a Plan "B"
I love you

What if I told you I got help....

Wow!  Spring has sprung and summer is upon us and I haven't written since January.  Admittedly, I hijacked a blog from 2009 and have had it in my "drafts" section of email and just found it this morning when looking for something else.  I find myself fairly consistent and still love it for the same reasons now as I did in 2009.  I hate I don't remember the blog I stole it from in order to give them credit.  


With the tragic death of another Kennedy in the news this week, it's had me thinking more and more about depression and genetics.  How painful must it have been for a mother of 4 to take her own life?  I wanted to share this excerpt from the blog.  


I think the main thing I take from it is.............

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  Extend grace.  We are all broken.  We are all struggling just to make it through each day.  Sometimes our battles aren't visible to the naked eye.  

Be kind.    

BLOG EXCERPT:

I’ve never seen anything like this before.

An overwhelming number of us have things locked deep down inside us that are ruling us. That are causing harm to us and to others. And we are paralyzed by shame and fear and guilt. We are silenced. Muted. For fear of rejection. For fear of losing our jobs. Our families. Our lives.

If anything has been made clear to me, it’s that we are bound by the chains of fear. We are enslaved to it. We are silenced by it.

• What if I told you I battle depression.
• What if I told you that I couldn’t get myself out of this darkness.
• What if I told you I got help.
• What if I told you my body needed supplements for my brain to work like it should.
• What if I told you that I’ve been seeing a therapist for months.
• What if I told you I just started group therapy. Yeah. Like the Bob Newhart/28 Days kind of group therapy.
• What if I told you I’ve been afraid to publicly admit this because I’m having a hard time facing these facts myself.
• What if I told you I’m winning the battle, with the help of my doctor and therapist.
• But, what if I told you that I’m coming out with it right now, in the hopes that you, too, will talk to someone.

Anonymous internet confessions only go so far. They give us a tiny taste of the freedom that we can know. But, there’s a hitch: nobody knows who you are, so technically you’re still hiding, right?

There’s one thing I’ve wanted to say over and over again: Say this out loud. Confess it to a safe person. To a person who can give you, or help you find, the help you need. It doesn’t have to stay this way. It doesn’t have to end this way. Talk to someone.

James words have echoed through my mind over the past two days: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

Please get that healing we so desperately need. For the sake of your soul. And for the sake of your loved ones. 

The Januaries

Lately all I can think about is death.  Maybe I have what a friend of mine calls the "Januaries" -- a let down after the hype of Christmas.    


While cleaning out my parents closets and drawers this past week, I had visions of doing it years down the road with tears streaming down my face just as I did in my Grandparents house.  Some would say, it's the cycle of life.  New miracles of sweet babies are born daily while death takes loved ones into His Kingdom at the same time.  No one ever said that was easy though.  


I have heard and read about several tragedies over the holiday season.  Kathy Porter was 54 years old as she set out to spend a fun New Years Eve at the Chick-fil-a Peach Bowl in downtown Atlanta with her husband (longtime Atlanta Braves trainer), 19 years old son and his friend.  http://www.ajc.com/news/atlanta/witness-gives-account-of-1283677.html  I can't imagine any of them ever dreamed their night would end so tragically and that 2012 would begin with one less family member.  


The 2nd tragedy occurred right before Christmas and claimed a family of 4.  Kelly Butler was a close friend of Kelley Royals that I went to high school with.  I have followed the tragedy through her FB.  Tragically, there are 3 little boys who were not on the plane who now have to cope and try to understand why 5 of their family members are no longer alive.  

http://mcdonough.11alive.com/news/news/95067-henry-stockbridge-family-killed-small-plane-crash


Not too long ago I decided I needed to be proactive and have a Will and Health Care Directive drawn up.  I never dreamed it would be so difficult!  I like to think of myself as a non-materialistic person not drawn in by cars, money, jewelry and things of that nature.  Some might argue with that self-assessment though :)  However, my "stuff" is important to me and somehow I like to think that it would be important to others when something happens to me.  


As I packed up Christmas, I delicately wrapped each and every Bloomingdales ornament my parents gave me over the past several years.  I found myself thinking, if I died tomorrow, would anyone even know that these are my absolute favorite ornaments on my tree?  Would anyone know that the Santa Claus red and green candle holder was the last Christmas related gift my Nannie gave me before she was sick and that I walk by it everyday in December and touch it daily?


Even as I type this, I look up to the bookshelves in my office and I see the following:  


* My green glitter frog that April gave me in December as a pick me up while I was going through my awful AMI trial to lift my spirits.  I keep him out year round because he makes me smile.
* Photo of the Georgia Department of Agriculture old Milk Wagon that I rode in throwing cartons of milk out around the town square in Forsyth with my Granddaddy.  
* Chat Chat painted art that Margaret painted for me.
* Handprint Framed that Ellis gave me. (Just last month she was in my office and said, awww you kept it! I love you!)
* Story People Framed Art from Suni -- "You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time."
* 3D Collage Hall created in 2005
* Framed picture of Amy Gatlin, Kim Byrd and me from many Decembers ago.  
* Too many books to name signed by mom Mom and Nannie given to me over the years.
*Jar of matchbook covers from all the restaurants I've been to in NYC over the years.

I stopped and turned on my ipad and listened to The Best Day by Taylor Swift which most of you think is the cheesiest artist on the planet.  What you don't know is that song is my favorite melancholy song that reminds me of my Mom.  I could listen to it over and over and over and smile and cry.  

Then, the strangest thing happened.  I opened a State Farm envelope about my home owners insurance and a story about house fires was enclosed.  I almost had an anxiety attack picturing myself running around trying to grab things if my house caught on fire and that's when I had to stop and realize....they are "things".  While sentimental they may be to me, they are things, not life.  


I refuse to make a New Year's Resolution.  It is setting myself up for failure.  I can, however, reassess and start the year anew.  I can treasure each friend more, each family member more, each day, each hour, each minute, each second......because our reality is we don't know how much time we have left on this earth.   


Grab a hold of life and your loved ones and squeeze with all your might!

Anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions on my face and my daily thrills, pills and dramatics are sent via text or phone call to share with my other halves.  Turning 40 for me wasn't just another number as some folks would whisper in my ear to ease my pain.  It was a changing of the guard of sorts.....what have I accomplished?  where am I in my life? do I love who I am?  do I surround myself with positive people?  do I eat right..not well, but RIGHT?  do I exercise daily?  do I have enough money in the bank?  do I pray daily?  do I pay it forward?  okay okay okay you get it but the reality is I could go on and on and on.  

I worry!  Yes, me.  I worry that I'm not the person people want me to be.  I worry that I'm not the friend I need to be because I'm too worried about making changes to be that right person.  I worry that I will never get to a size 6 in this lifetime.  I worry that I will disappoint the people I care about the most in my life.  

I want to change things overnight!  It's just like with my Mom when she decided a room needed rearranging.  We didn't wait for my Dad to get home, we did it stat.  We pushed and pushed a huge iron bed and dressers because we wanted it done right then and there!  I'm a lot like that right now with my life.  I want changes stat!  I am having to really reassess and back the bus up and practice patience and grace (one of my favorite words). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/grace  

This morning I got into a fight.  It was ugly.  It hurt.  It was with the Stairmaster five minutes after I arrived for my morning workout.  I have such disdain for that machine!  It hates me and I hate it!  I don't know why I let it beat me.  I am letting it win and I'm so mad at myself.  I'd rather do 100 crunches (which I might add, I did this morning) than 5 minutes on that dreaded machine.  I did a great workout this morning and I'm doing it 4 days a week which is huge for me!  

I came home to reassess and this is my game plan for tomorrow morning:  

When I feel I can't step another step, climb another stair, I will focus my mind on my Crescent Elementary classmate, Angie Lewis, who is battling breast cancer and has lost her hair, been hospitalized due to a blood clot in her port, is still working in the heat at the Experiment Station because she is single and has to pay her medical and household bills.  Her mantra is, "I Got This!"  And you know what, if Angie can think, "I Got This!" as chemo is entering her body, by God, I can conquer that Stairmaster and any other tasks my trainer gives me.  

When I feel I can't step another step, climb another stair, I will focus my mind on the parents of Welles Crowther, who lost their son on 9/11 in the World Trade Center.  Please take time to watch the ESPN video.    http://vimeo.com/28524573

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2002/america.remembers/stories/heroes/welles.html

The Crowther's story is one of thousands from that day but it touched me in a deep way because I feel he made such a difference on his last day here on earth and his legacy is still impacting others that he saved on that day.  He knew before he died that he wanted to change jobs.  That's what 40 has done to me.....reassess, reassess, reassess and decide who, what, where I need to be.  

Hi, I'm 40

If you read this blog, you are my friend and you know I am all about a list.  Turning 40 makes it the perfect scenario for a list…

I’m not going to add to my already stressful bucket list by doing the normal 40 things to accomplish in my 40^th year.  I decided to reminisce over my 40 years on this earth and pluck out a few of my faves from over the decades.   Enjoy!

• Charlie’s Angels –  "Once upon a time, there were three little girls who went to the police academy. And they were each assigned very hazardous duties, but I took them all away from all that and now they work for me. My name is Charlie."

• MTV’s debut and jumping off the couch during Duran Duran’s The Reflex – fle fle flex!

• Schoolhouse Rock – “Conjunction Junction, What’s your function?”, “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly get your adverbs here” 

• Jaws and the fact that Brian B wouldn’t take a shower to save his life that night after we watched it at my house.

• Leaving the GHS Football game early with Mrs. Benincosa to find out Who Shot J.R.

• Jordache, Sergio Valente, Gloria Vanderbilt, Calvin Klein, Izods, Polos and God bless my parents who couldn’t afford any of the above mentioned but somehow managed to keep me cool in them.  

• Grease is the word!  Our first movie we saw together as a family at Parkwood Cinemas.  

• Bon Jovi – God knows I didn’t think I would still be craving a Jon Bon Jovi hair band concert at the age of 40!  He is 50!  I only pray I will feel like he does ten years from now. 

• Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons all down her back, back, back 

• Jams, Banana Clips, Homemade Ribbon Barrettes in green/gold for the Griffin Bears

• Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlor and all it’s pomp and circumstance with the mack daddy bowls of dozens of scoops of ice cream for a birthday celebration!

• St Elmo’s Fire with a dreamy Rob Lowe and his ever so taboo dangling earring 

• Barbie Styling Head (looking back on this…..it’s kind of creepy.  I think I would have the heebie jeebies if I woke up and saw this staring at me…but boy did I think I was gonna take Fantastic Sam’s by storm styling and profiling)

• Donnie & Marie Osmond dolls with pink and purple shredded outfits.

Here's the shot of me receiving my lovely D&M dolls. Greg was thrilled beyond measure!

A Letter to Chandler

Dear Chandler,                                                         

It is hard to put into words how proud I am of you and your recent accomplishments.  I googled to come up with a quote or two and found so many different things I liked both funny and serious so I decided to incorporate them into my letter.  I wanted to impart some advice I wish had been given to me as I was released into the adult working world that can be so overwhelming and unforgiving at times.    

It is so funny to me that we are nearly 2 decades apart, yet you have taught me so much in your last 2 years of college.  You accomplished in a short time what many only dream of…. a new city, a new school, new lifetime friends, a dream degree, a dream internship and all with an upbeat smile on your face.  I’ve often wondered why you had to experience the uphill battle you did when you first moved to Milledgeville.  I don’t wonder it anymore.  I feel it is a part of you and happened to help mold you into the strong, beautiful, hard working, confident young woman you are today.      

Your time on earth is limited; so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.  Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.  And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition – they both somehow already know what your truly want to become in life.  Everything else is secondary. 

I want you to be an actor in your own life.  Infuse your life with action.  Don’t wait for it to happen.  Make it happen.  Make your own future.  Make your own hope.  Make your own love.  And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from up on high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen yourself, right now, right down here on earth. 

Have no fear.  God has your back.  And sometimes, you find out what you are supposed to be doing by doing the things you are not supposed to do.  So don’t expect the perfect job that defines your life’s work to come along next week.  If that does happen, take the blessing and run with it.  But, if not, be grateful to be on the path where you eventually want to live.  Abide in the space of gratitude, because this is what I know for sure…that only through being grateful for how far you’ve come in your past can you leave room for more blessings to flow.  Blessings flow in the space of gratitude.  Everything in your life is happening to teach you more about yourself so even in a crisis, be grateful.  When you experience disappointment, be grateful.  When things aren’t going the way you want them to, be grateful that you have sense enough to turn it around. 

It is one of those remarkable truths of life that when God becomes strongly present in our awareness, the wisdom, strength and guidance we need flow effortlessly into us.  So yield to the quiet summons to pause and reflect.  Reject the pressure to carry the weight of the world.  Take moments to cease from activity and struggle in order to become aware of God in your life.  You may well find more than you looked for. 

ON A FINAL NOTE…. ELLEN DEGENERES SAID IT BEST…

“Life is like one big Mardi Gras but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain and if they like what they see you'll have more beads than you'll know what do with.”

While I know you aspire to be strolling down the red carpet with a microphone, you know you don’t have to be famous…. you just have to make your mother and father proud of you and you already have. 

Bravo to you! 

I love you as if you were my own. 

Congratulations Chan Chan!

Love, Aunt Nat

The Golden Rule

It's real simple....that good old Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It's even reiterated in different versions in the Bible -- Luke 6:31 and Matthew 7:12.  We grew up hearing our parents, teachers, preachers and other adults saying it to us over and over and over yet why is it so hard sometimes to follow and practice what we preach?

I've been fortunate to be surrounded by countless wonderful role models in my life.  Recently, I have found myself going through a transformation in deciding on exactly where God is leading me and what path He wants me to take.  Admittedly, I am frustrated.  I struggle with who, what, where, when and why?  I struggle with feeling let down by people I thought I knew, I struggle with feeling judged by fellow Christians who seem to feel they wield a higher knowledge of His word, I struggle with where I should be everyday in my daily walk with Christ, I struggle with forgiving and why I'm not being forgiven by others and most recently, I struggle with WHY?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  In writing this blog, it has taken a different direction than I originally intended but I suppose that was the entire purpose of me blogging in the first place -- therapy!   


One would have to be under a rock not to know the recent tragedies which occurred April 27th in the South.  The tornado outbreak and destruction was deadly, tragic and shocking.  I stayed awake until 3:00 AM that morning following the news, facebook and twitter and praying none of my family and friends would be in the path.  I found myself texting JT's mom at midnight when I heard Glenn Burns say, "If you are on Birdie Road in Spalding County, take cover!"  Sure enough, it hit right beside her.  Thankfully, she was fine along with her home but her neighbors and community are not.  


I immediately woke up with an urge, a yearning to do something, a feeling of being grateful for being alive but also feeling a need to help others who weren't so lucky.  I often struggle with the question do I pay it forward nearly enough?  Hence, that darn Golden Rule creeping back in and seeping into my conscious my parents raised me with.  There are 4 people I credit with instilling these values in me of paying it forward.  


Meet.....Jane and Ralph Gatlin

  
These 2 helped me stay on task in my high school and collegiate years.  I remember a funny story of Mr. Gatlin picking up a hitchhiker in North Georgia to help him out and his daughter Amy and her friend waking up startled to see a stranger in the car.  This man of God and his wife stand for everything I love about being a Christian and a steward of the community.  There is no telling how many dollar bills he has handed out in blessing the less fortunate.  I don't think he will ever fully understand the impact he has had on my life.  


My Mom & Dad

  

I am richly blessed with parents who are "doers."  My Mom, a stroke and brain tumor survivor, can get more done in one day than the average young healthy adult.  They have taught me that it is always more fulfilling to pay it forward and to help others.  Jean Ann & Barnes having taken men who have just gotten out of jail to get clothing and toiletries, driven a man to the bus stop who was stuck in Griffin after a car wreck, cooked countless meals at the soup kitchen, passed out countless vouchers weekly at Benevolence.....and I could go on and on.  The beauty of all of the above is they don't ask for anything in return, they don't advertise their good deeds, they simply lay their heads down on their pillows at night feeling blessed for all they have been blessed with.      

This leads me to the last part of my blog......"The Tornadiacs."  I felt any great volunteer team for tornado relief deserved a name.  Shortly after the tornado hit, a website, Volunteer Network: Tornado Relief for Spalding County, popped up on Facebook.  These girls rock!  They have brought together a community and plugged in volunteers, workers and helped victims all over Griffin.  I'm amazed at them!  They led me to Jerry Gilreath on Patterson Road.  Jerry and her 3 dogs (a motley crew I might add) survived the tornado while watching her home and her belongings being sucked out around her.  In the picture below, it shows the 3 sided lean-to/barn she is currently living in which has no running water.  It is heartbreaking!  However, once one meets Jerry you quickly feel that she has been through tough times before in her life and this is just one more added to her biography and she is a survivor!  Several of us spent Saturday and Sunday out at Jerry's doing all we could to clean up the aftermath of debris.  Coleman chain sawed, Ellis loved on Jerry and Molly, Suni, Ben, Amanda, April, Chandler, Claire Ann, Leighton and I raked debris and sifted through trash looking for anything we could find to salvage for Jerry.  Her wants were simple....pictures of her daughter who had been murdered, pictures and the folded flag from her husband's funeral, a tiny box holding a cross and chain for her son from his father and 3 rings (one of which had miraculously been found).  Sadly, the salvageable items are few and far between.  Suni did find her bathtub way back in the woods.  It's a good thing Jerry didn't make it to the tub like she intended!      

Jerry's old foundation where her home once stood

Suni on her gazillionth swing of the rake

Ben, Claire Ann, Chandler & April working at Jerry's

Ellis and Molly the sweet puppy who survived

It was the most frustrating feeling to even try to know where to begin in cleaning.  As my closest friends know, I'm a much better Indian than I am a Chief and my ADD kicked in big time with all of the mass chaos around me.  I cannot imagine how Jerry must feel or all of the other victims in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi.  One thing I've learned is we can all do something!  We each were blessed with different talents in helping....some cook, some clean, some write checks, some pray, some hug, some wash clothes.  Hopefully you will feel led in a direction to do something and remember the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."