A mental diet

I had full intentions all day to blog about what I thought was a fairly creative title, "I'm losing mental weight but gaining it physically."  I planned on telling everyone how fabulous it is to toss baggage out the window left and right at therapy and group and how much lighter my mind felt and the hell with medicinal weight gain.  But honestly, I'm not there right now.  It's been a weepy afternoon.  It's not one particular thing that makes me sad today.  That's what people don't understand about depression.  I saw this on twitter tonight and Bingo!  Celeb Wayne Brady said, 

"Some days, you don't want to move, you can't move in the darkness," he said of his lowest points. "You're like, 'You know what, I'm just gonna sit right here, and I'm gonna wallow in this. And as much as it hurts, I'm just gonna sit right here, because this is what I deserve. Because I am that horrible of a person.'"

 I listened last week to a girl with a Masters in Counseling say, "I finally know how pure joy feels and I'm so afraid I'll never feel it again."  At the same time, I listened to an older bipolar woman lament about not knowing the difference between being manic and genuinely happy.  Gosh, how do you begin to break that all down and fix it?  It's no wonder people don't understand mental illness.  It's hard for those of us who carry the illness on our backs daily to decipher the highs and lows.  I also listened last week to a woman say, "I will not take another pill.  I will do whatever I have to do to fight this."  It is for heroes like her that I continue to go to support groups and fight for mental illness.  We fight together and merge our strengths, our sadness, our sleeplessness, our happiness, our knowledge, our battles and our courage.  There are those of us who refuse to let the disease beat us and it's inspiring to be among these men and women weekly.         

So, in regard to the mental and physical weight.  I've realized during my recovery that I have two choices, 1. Mire in my life pre March and be overweight with sadness and risk my life, OR 2.  Continue to toss the mental baggage out the window and let my body lose weight when I'm ready.  Clearly, option 2 is the route I am taking.  And to my sweet husband, thank you for truly loving me for who I am...mentally AND physically.