The Voice

I’ve been feverishly trying to figure out why I’m so exhausted this week, why I don’t want to get out of bed, why I have been taking naps every day during lunch, why I didn’t drive to Griffin today, why I tell myself, “I’ll run that errand tomorrow”.  

My depression has a voice.  Sometimes I push the mute button and don’t listen.  I didn’t listen this week.  Today, I pushed play and realize why I feel so sleepy I barely can function, while simultaneously I feel ashamed and guilty for not having more energy to wrap the presents, go to the bank, go welcome my Dad back home, return texts and calls.  It’s my clinical depression.  It’s kind of an Aha! moment for me to realize this and really a comfort to not have to wonder what else it could be.  What has consoled me is to remember that setbacks are not permanent conditions. Relapses don’t last into infinity. The perspective I have in the midst of my intense struggle insists that I will feel this way forever. However, my track record for getting better is 100 percent. So is yours. 

Relapse teaches me over and over again that life can’t be wrapped up and put into one single box like a Christmas present.  As hard as we try to control all the aspects of our mental health, those of us who have suffered depression in an acute way will most likely run into relapse more than once in our life. These setbacks, as painful as they are, teach us invaluable lessons, like how to accept messiness, frustration, and uncertainty with grace. They teach us, like SNL’s Gilda Radner once said that “some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.”

Remember, it is okay to not be okay.  Don’t suffer in silence, you are not alone.  Be kind to yourself and others.  There is a whole lot of love out in the world for us all.