Recently, a handful of people asked me one word which completely threw me for a loop. The word was "why"? Why did he take his own life? What was the catalyst? I wanted to scream! In fairness, I've only been on that side of the fence, the suicidal side. I haven't been the devastated friend or family member asking why. What I will say if you ask me why I overdosed, why I took pills, why I became a survivor of suicide, I do not have a clear concrete answer for you. I did not have a particular "trigger" which caused me to pick a random Friday afternoon in March 2014 to want to end it all. You see, that is what depression and mental illness is all about -- a tortured mind not thinking rationally. Depression is many things to me. Depression is a disconnect from reality, it is keeping things bottled up with a tight lid, it is not texting a friend back, it is the fear and assumption something bad is going to happen, it is crying for no reason, it is laying in bed craving sleep for an escape only to be kept awake by racing thoughts.
I understand hopelessness.
I understand darkness.
I understand despair.
But more than these 3 things, I also understand life, love and joy. I am committed to recovery.
My biggest hope, wish and prayer is for our society to try to understand mental illness. Keep the conversation going. With each sad story in the news, I am seeing somewhat of a #metoo movement if you will. On twitter, there were so many courageous people coming forward talking about their depression and struggles after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. I felt so proud to be able to reply to people giving them resources which help me continue my journey of recovery and life.
For those of you who have lost a family member or friend to suicide, it is never one person's fault. Not yours, not someone else's and not the suicide victim's. Instead, the fault belongs to the natural forces that create the potential for suicide, which many times include mental illness. The forces of suicide cause irrational thoughts. They rob the person of the ability to see any possibility for change. They connive and plot to make the person believe that suicide is the only way to end their pain. Usually it is not just one issue, but instead a multitude of problems, that lead to suicide. There are no simple explanations. Be compassionate to yourself in your grief. The below link is an article more eloquent than I could ever write. All friends and family should read this who lost someone to suicide. It is raw, real and compassionate.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-open-letter-to-children-who-lose-a-parent-to-suicide/
Finally, I want to share these tweets which I feel explain so much.
@caissie So many messages telling those who are struggling to reach out. Fair enough, but part of what depression does is mutes your ability to reach. If you are NOT depressed and you see someone struggling, YOU reach out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out.
It can be kind of scary to a regular person who thinks they don't know what to do. It is certainly awkward as hell. Who cares, thought? Ask, "Are you ok?" Say, "I am worried about you." Ask, "Can I get in tough with someone for you?" Even here on twitter. Don't mind your business.
