Our world is broken

Our world is broken.  We have kids with PTSD from stepping over the blood of their precious classmates in school hallways, we have the leader of our country name calling on social media - setting examples for our youth which say, it's okay to pitch a fit if you don't get your way.  We have families sitting at the dinner table staring at cell phones instead of interacting with one another.  We have a suicide rate which is climbing year after year.  Every 12 minutes that ticks by, another life is gone.  45,000 people in 2016 experienced the mental anguish of seeing no way out of their torment.   A 1-800 number is not going to solve this problem.  It is bigger than a hot line.  We as human beings have to communicate with one another.  We have to know it is okay not to be okay.        

Recently, a handful of people asked me one word which completely threw me for a loop.  The word was "why"?  Why did he take his own life?  What was the catalyst?  I wanted to scream!  In fairness, I've only been on that side of the fence, the suicidal side.  I haven't been the devastated friend or family member asking why.  What I will say if you ask me why I overdosed, why I took pills, why I became a survivor of suicide, I do not have a clear concrete answer for you.  I did not have a particular "trigger" which caused me to pick a random Friday afternoon in March 2014 to want to end it all.  You see, that is what depression and mental illness is all about -- a tortured mind not thinking rationally.  Depression is many things to me.  Depression is a disconnect from reality, it is keeping things bottled up with a tight lid, it is not texting a friend back, it is the fear and assumption something bad is going to happen, it is crying for no reason, it is laying in bed craving sleep for an escape only to be kept awake by racing thoughts.  

I understand hopelessness.  
I understand darkness.
I understand despair.

But more than these 3 things, I also understand life, love and joy.  I am committed to recovery.  

My biggest hope, wish and prayer is for our society to try to understand mental illness.  Keep the conversation going.  With each sad story in the news, I am seeing somewhat of a #metoo movement if you will.  On twitter, there were so many courageous people coming forward talking about their depression and struggles after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.  I felt so proud to be able to reply to people giving them resources which help me continue my journey of recovery and life.

For those of you who have lost a family member or friend to suicide, it is never one person's fault.  Not yours, not someone else's and not the suicide victim's.  Instead, the fault belongs to the natural forces that create the potential for suicide, which many times include mental illness.  The forces of suicide cause irrational thoughts.  They rob the person of the ability to see any possibility for change.  They connive and plot to make the person believe that suicide is the only way to end their pain.  Usually it is not just one issue, but instead a multitude of problems, that lead to suicide.  There are no simple explanations.  Be compassionate to yourself in your grief.  The below link is an article more eloquent than I could ever write.   All friends and family should read this who lost someone to suicide.  It is raw, real and compassionate. 



https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-open-letter-to-children-who-lose-a-parent-to-suicide/

Finally, I want to share these tweets which I feel explain so much. 

@caissie So many messages telling those who are struggling to reach out.  Fair enough, but part of what depression does is mutes your ability to reach.  If you are NOT depressed and you see someone struggling, YOU reach out.  If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out.  

It can be kind of scary to a regular person who thinks they don't know what to do.  It is certainly awkward as hell.  Who cares, thought?  Ask, "Are you ok?" Say, "I am worried about you." Ask, "Can I get in tough with someone for you?"  Even here on twitter.  Don't mind your business.  

Misunderstood

What does Natalie have to be sad about?  I don't understand.   
Snap out of it!  
She smiles all of the time.  I'm floored at this!  It makes zero sense.    

All 3 of the above statements are ones I've heard about myself since I've been out of "The Peach."  Sadly, I'm realizing it's a "trigger" for me.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I have a husband who clearly loves me unconditionally, a nice home, a job I love, two adorable rescue kittens, a family on both sides who love me, and friends I can count on.  

Trust me, if I could snap out of it, I would.  

I googled "how to make someone understand depression."  Here's the first pop up.  Maybe it will help people get it.  I don't know.  

Depression, also known as major depression, clinical depression or major depressive disorder is a medical illness that causes a constant feeling of sadness and lack of interest. Depression affects how the person feels, behaves and thinks.

Depression can lead to emotional and physical problems. Typically, people with depression find it hard to go about their day-to-day activities, and may also feel that life is not worth living.

What is depression?

Feeling sad, or what we may call "depressed", happens to all of us. The sensation usually passes after a while. However, people with a depressive disorder - clinical depression - find that their state interferes with daily life.

For people with clinical depression, their normal functioning is undermined to such an extent that both they and those who care about them are affected by it.

I had a counselor years ago tell me that Depression was "swallowed anger."  I didn't believe that.  I now do.  

Today, I am angry.  

Digital Detox

Question:  You've mentioned several times about not spending so much time on technology/social media.  How do you do it?  How do you break away?  What did you learn at "The Peach" or since then about how to "unplug" and what the consequences are when you don't?  

How do I do it? 
I leave my phone in the bathroom plugged in every night when I go to bed.  That way I can hear it if I get an emergency call.  I've started going to bed a lot earlier than I used to so I am essentially "unplugging" some nights as early as 9:00-9:30 pm to get in bed and watch TV.  I don't really allow myself the luxury of the phone in bed with me.  I do keep my iPad on some nights to read articles, scroll through twitter and play a nutty game or two.  Sleep is imperative for me.  Lack of = trigger.    

How do you break away? 
It is a conscious daily effort on my part.  It is also out of respect for who I am with.  It annoys me at times but JT is pretty dang accurate when he says, "Be with me/us."  He says that when I or someone else is on their phone for an extended period of time at the table, etc.  Honestly, it is rude and it is essentially saying I'm much more interested in this than I am anything you have to say.  It actually feels good to leave my phone in my purse at the dinner table so I am not feeling so "ADD" looking at it, my food, my drink and trying to talk.  For someone with kids, my advice is to key in a specific ring tone for their texts and calls so you know it is them and not something else that may not require your immediate attention.  Take FB off of your phone.  Only log in to FB on your actual computer.  Is your life really affected by not knowing that "x" went to Cross fit this morning and that "y" is seeing the beach sunset this evening?  Taking a sabbatical made me realize just how much I was on it -- at a red light, in the bathtub, at the Doctor's office, anytime I had a free moment.  Take a piece of paper with you throughout the day and make a tick mark every time you pick up your phone to check it.  You will be amazed!  I'm loving my support groups because for 2 hours I don't have a phone because it isn't allowed.  Such a nice diversion to actually be in a place where you HAVE to focus on the people talking without a phone distraction.             

What are the consequences when I don't?  
Work/Life balance is imperative for me.  I still struggle with it daily.  I happen to have bosses in a different time zone paired with China's time difference and it can be disastrous for me in working late.  I am still trying to master it all.  I'm not perfect.  I'm not saying I never pick up my cell phone.  I am saying I am trying to make a conscious effort to not feel so "connected" to it so I am tuned in to other things and people.  I do know it helps my marriage and spending quality time with 2 of us and not having that 3rd and 4th person interrupting.         

I'll end on an extremely personal note to explain why we don't rely on texts as our primary means of communication any longer.  

On the morning of March 7th while sitting in the parking lot of Cumberland Psychiatric crying my eyes out, I texted JT and said, "Adele (my therapist at the time) doesn't think I need to go to California on Sunday."  His reply, "We have to work."  We were both "lost in translation."  Had we spoken on the phone he would have heard that I was crying and perhaps I could have explained the crisis I was in at the time.  His reply to me was accurate.  We both have to work and don't have the luxury of just saying, hmmm I don't really want to fly to California and meet with this buyer today.  He had no idea at all the state of mind I was in and in all fairness, wouldn't have because my texts weren't showing emotion at all.  That night, I was laying in the ER at North Fulton Regional.    

In summary, I'm not saying I don't text or use my phone a lot.  I do it daily.  I just know I've gotten my baby feelings hurt in the past over lack of replies from friends, the trite response of "k", a misconstrued tone, a sarcastic joke.  I'm improving in this arena by leaps and bounds.  It is a challenge but I'm up to the task.  

I've fought worse battles and won.  xo, n       


  

Top Ten

Letterman I am not, but I'm finding lately I may not be with the right therapist so until I find a new one, I need to be proactive in homework and combating triggers.  This morning I created my own Top 10 Things I Should Do to Battle Depression.  In the interest of full disclosure, I don't do all of these regularly but they are goals and I know they work.  

1.  Combat feeling overwhelmed.  Make small, realistic goals.  This relates to both work and personal for me.  I have to remember to delete phone calls, make a list, clean out my in box, see what my week is going to look like.    

2.  Take my meds.  This isn't rocket science but occasionally I forget.  It's only happened once since "The Peach."  I've recently changed my daily pill box to live beside the Keurig as a morning reminder.    

3.  Exercise.  Suffice it to say, walking to and around the cul-de-sac is a feat for me at this point.  It's just a proven fact and makes sense - exercise is important for us all mentally and physically.  

4.  Therapy appointments.  I used to get super excited to go to therapy and then I realized last week when I dreaded my appointment that it's time to make a change.  Change is always hard.  However, according to the experts, medicines combined with psychotherapy are the 2 best bets in combating this illness.  

5.  Support group attendance.  I've learned that being around like minded people striving for the same goal is so healthy for me.  It's refreshing to be in a room with a retired Radiologist, a Mom of 2, an Attorney, a retired Father of a Bipolar son, a Nurse at Wesley Woods and the list goes on and on.  All people suffering yet wanting to help each other and themselves to live a healthy life.       

6.  Pay it forward.  My friend "A" is a wonderful example and encourages me more than she realizes to pay it forward.  Doing something for someone else simply makes me feel better.     

7.  Getting Spiritually Fit.  I believe in God.  My faith matters to me, everyday, not just Easter Sunday.  It has brought me through some of my darkest hours.  It gave me the friends I have today.  It is important to me to have a church home I can call my own.  I cannot combat problems as well when I am spiritually lazy.        

8.  Family & Friend focus.  When you feel like you've disappointed the people who know you and love you the most, it's a daunting feeling.  I'm overcoming this feeling.  In turn, it has made me shut out some of the people I love the very most in my life.  It's important for me to let them know it's not them, it's me.  "What can I do to help?"  These words are amazingly comforting to someone feeling overwhelmed like me.  I've learned to accept the help.  I've learned that people rarely offer things they don't mean.  The letters, the texts, the meals, the prayers, the calls, the emails have gotten us through.  I am truly humbled in how loved I feel.      

9.  Check in.  If you read my blog regularly, you know how important the check in is for me and JT.    http://1013isnotmyhousenumber.blogspot.com/2014/04/check-in-or-check-out.html  

10.  Tune in the music, tune out the news.  For me, there's nothing better than a great play list combining Bon Jovi, Nashville and some 80's pop.  What I don't do well with is the local news or CNN blasting all of the school shootings, downed planes, house fires and anything else you can imagine that's sad.    

Happy Easter Week.....n

A Full Calendar

I promised some laughs and a tour of "inside the walls" of Peachford....I'll get there eventually, but not tonight.  One of the most difficult things of being "on the outside," is the feeling of being under a microscope.  Sometimes everyone seems to know the whats, whys and who's of me when in reality they know very little.  It’s kind of funny in a sarcastic way for me to sit back and hear things about me such as, “She moved away from Griffin and it was too much, she never got over dealing with that lost friendship from last year, she works from home and should be around people more, she has no friends in Alpharetta and how will she meet people, JT is the cause of this and the pressure she has felt to move, the wedding was just too much with moving and the issues surrounding it, she’s been talking to x,y and z and they aren’t good for her."

My reality is only 4 people know my triggers, causes, length of illness, recovery process, treatment plan and medications — me, my husband, my Doctor and my therapist.  I have found that it is important for that to remain true and I highly recommend it to anyone going through something similar.  Others don’t understand — they may say they do, but they don’t.  Not one “single” event has “caused” my depression.  Chemical imbalances trigger many things in people.  Until you have walked a mile in clinical depression's shoes, you don’t understand.  You haven’t felt the cloud, the sadness, the pain, the feeling of worthlessness, the racing thoughts, the exhaustion and sheer feeling of being overwhelmed in all you do.  I had a person who read my blog make the statement via email, "everyday is a March 7th for me."  It broke my heart because I know how much pain she is in and I pray she gets the help, support, proper medications and treatment she deserves.    

It is extremely important to support a friend with mental illness  — support via hugs, love and positivity.  Rumors, being told what you should or shouldn’t be doing, judgements, are not helpful to anyone.  It delays healing.  It triggers old habits.  Personally, I am treating this exactly like I have an addiction.  Successful addicts change their lifestyle (I cannot afford not to).  They attend meetings, support groups, Dr. visits and therapy.  I am changing my lifestyle and the meetings and groups are in ink on my calendar.  

I don't really have time for depression, my calendar is full.  xo...Natalie