Misunderstood

What does Natalie have to be sad about?  I don't understand.   
Snap out of it!  
She smiles all of the time.  I'm floored at this!  It makes zero sense.    

All 3 of the above statements are ones I've heard about myself since I've been out of "The Peach."  Sadly, I'm realizing it's a "trigger" for me.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I have a husband who clearly loves me unconditionally, a nice home, a job I love, two adorable rescue kittens, a family on both sides who love me, and friends I can count on.  

Trust me, if I could snap out of it, I would.  

I googled "how to make someone understand depression."  Here's the first pop up.  Maybe it will help people get it.  I don't know.  

Depression, also known as major depression, clinical depression or major depressive disorder is a medical illness that causes a constant feeling of sadness and lack of interest. Depression affects how the person feels, behaves and thinks.

Depression can lead to emotional and physical problems. Typically, people with depression find it hard to go about their day-to-day activities, and may also feel that life is not worth living.

What is depression?

Feeling sad, or what we may call "depressed", happens to all of us. The sensation usually passes after a while. However, people with a depressive disorder - clinical depression - find that their state interferes with daily life.

For people with clinical depression, their normal functioning is undermined to such an extent that both they and those who care about them are affected by it.

I had a counselor years ago tell me that Depression was "swallowed anger."  I didn't believe that.  I now do.  

Today, I am angry.  

Iphone Camera Roll Call

I had a really rough week last week, my worst since being dismissed from "The Peach."  I hate to admit and write that down because I feel like I'm giving it "legs" or labeling "it" to make "it" have life.  I'm not really sure that I can pin point one solitary thing that made last week so rough.  I know I was pretty weepy in therapy as I uncovered some guilt, a friendship I miss, some shame.  Purging can be rough stuff.  I haven't had knots in my neck like I had this weekend in months and months.  Stress can manifest itself in ways physically and mentally in me like a fungus!  

I'll be pretty blunt with y'all.  I have 2 drafts in my blog I started on today.  The first was about boundaries.  The second was about the "greater good."  That's the beauty of writing, journaling, therapy and healing.  God always guides us in the direction He feels we need to go -- clearly, boundaries and the greater good will have to wait for another day, another time.

Assuming most of you have iPhones.  Open your camera roll.  Scroll through, pick 10 different photos or videos.  Close your eyes for each photo/video and reflect on what each of them mean to you.  I am praying you laugh, cry tears of happiness and smile as big as I did this morning.  Below are my ten and what they mean to me.  All are a reminder for me to grab this week by the horns and better myself and live life to the fullest!  


1.  A pure reminder of getting the help I needed and not feeling tired anymore.  

2.  A reminder that even on a bad day, all 4 of the boys in my life love me unconditionally.

3.  My favorite lesson my wise friend taught me.  

4.  A sweet, sweet reminder.

5.  A favorite verse.  

6.  A screenshot of a partial text from a friend who has no idea how meaningful her message was to me.  

7.  A verse Angie Morton texted JT while I was in The Peach along with an exercise of coming up with an inspirational quote using faith and hope I had to do with another patient in group at The Peach.    

8.  A note I wrote on my phone almost a month to the day of my hospitalization.  

9.  A note I started writing last July and added to on April 19th about our wedding night.  

10.  Fainting Goat!  Truly, I had tears of laughter streaming down my face thinking about the weekend of fainting goat.  

In summary, when you are sad, having a bad day, look around you.  There is always something to be grateful for, to make you smile, to make you laugh.  Chances are, it's all right there in your iPhone camera roll.  

Dear John

We are finally having a few rooms in our house painted.  Yahoo!  I'm not excited at all.  So disturbing that I have the colors sea salt, sockeye and french grey memorized.  I have told JT it's the taupe paint in every single room of this house that made me mentally ill.  In all seriousness, super excited to have some color change since I work from home and see this house almost 24/7.  This has made me do some reorganizing and merging of files.  Lo and behold, my blue Peachford folder popped up in the organizing.  I flipped through all of the pages and got chills when I ran across some song lyrics and a page of Bible verses.  

Per my previous entry, Girl, Interrupted I arrived at The Peach on a bleak Saturday with almost zero sleep.  I can assure you Sunday morning I wasn't feeling much better.  Reality had set in big time accompanied by a big headache and withdrawal symptoms due to changing of medications.  I never in a million years thought I would know how an addict in detox felt but I somewhat have an indication now.  One of the MHA's yelled, "If you are going, line up for church!"  I sunk down into my chair.  I didn't have the energy or mental fortitude to go to church.  I was hurting so bad and was in a strange place with complete strangers.  God had a different plan.  My sweet friend "S" came over to me and said, "Come on Natalie.  You are going with me.  We can do this together.  We need this.  We need Him."  Indeed, we did.    

So on that Sunday morning, March the 9th, in a gym I worshipped with men and women in pain, in grief, in confusion, in anger and any other negative emotion you could think of.  On a tiny CD player that reminded me of 7th grade, the below song by Mandisa played that touched me like no other has in a very long time.  I won't type all of the lyrics, just the several that gave me chills.  


Dear John, How you doin' 
I've been thinking about you
I'm not sure how to say it, but I've been praying daily 
for some kind of breakthrough

I've said this a thousand times
And I know you don't see my side
But I do it 'cause I love you
So, dear John here's the truth....

There's freedom
On the other side of
Things that keep us tied up and afraid
There's hope in every situation
No matter what you're facing every day.  

Dear John, People hurt you
And you know I've been hurt too
There's no way to escape it, 
Don't let your pain be wasted 
No, don't let it get the best of you

'Cause God took my broken parts
And gave me a brand new start
Now I am walking, breathing, living proof
And, dear john, He can do this for you.  

Dear John Video

That song along with the woman from a Dunwoody church got me through that day.  She held my hands as I cried and prayed for me and one of the things she said was, "Natalie, every morning we get a fresh batch of mercy."  

I am walking, breathing, living proof.  xo, n

Attitude determines altitude

If you were one of the many who darkened the doors of Jean Ann O'Neal's 7th grade Science room, you were greeted with one of her favorite quotes, "Attitude determines altitude."  I don't think until recently I understood the gravity of that quote.  A positive attitude is so big, so defining in life.  I think an eye opening difference for me is when a positive person enters my life.  It's contagious.  

I found myself reaching and grasping for positive things before my hospitalization.  I texted a friend about sending me the "Power of Positive Thinking" CD since I couldn't attend the classes.  I knew then I excelled around positivity.  I was too weak at the time to attain it on my own.  Now that I have clarity, I'm amazed at how well I function around happy souls.  Our attitude has a profound effect on our physical, spiritual and mental well being.  For me I have learned a few guidelines and to exit stage left if I find myself feeling emotionally affected, exhausted, guilty, ashamed, in "rescue or fix mode" with people.  It isn't productive for either party.  

I took some notes at The Peach which I found to be so enlightening on this topic.  

My situation is not......

permanent (things WILL get better)
pervasive (my whole life isn't ruined)
personal (my problem is an unfortunate circumstance, not my fault)

Exchange attitude for gratitude.  It works every time, hands down.  

Happy Monday!   xo, n

    

Shades of Grey

If your car Mercedes needed new brakes, would you take it to the Ford dealership to be fixed?  If your arm was broken would you go to a Cardiologist to have it set?  No and No!  I make these comparisons in the same way I feel about going to your General Practitioner aka Primary Care Physician, instead of a Psychiatrist for anti-depressants.  I should add a disclaimer that this entry is strictly based on my opinion and experiences alone.  I don't claim to be a med guru or know what's best for everyone.  I can only relate what has not and what is working for me.      

Most everyone I know pops these pills like candy.  We all want a quick fix.  Heck, I wanted a quick fix and was starving to feel better.  Coping skills are not necessary anymore - you can pop a Xanax every time you feel "uncomfortable" or a Paxil when you are sad about something that actually should make you sad.  It saddens me to see children watching their parents manage their lives with pills.  I was fortunate to grow up in a house where my parents only took antibiotics when prescribed.  I didn't even know the terms Xanax, Hydrocodone or Prozac until I was in my thirties.  

I see the real problem here is that doctors are prescribing the meds but not making the diagnosis.  I'll tell you that I was on many different antidepressants over the years and was never told I was "clinically depressed", "severely depressed" or any type of diagnosis.  It was basically me walking in and saying I feel x, y and z and twenty minutes later I walked out the door with prescription "a" praying it worked with minimal side effects.  I saw the prescription as a possible ray of hope to help with my mood and I was raised to have respect for doctors and do what they recommend as a patient.  

I strongly believe that if your GP or PCP has given you a prescription for an antidepressant without a recommended follow up to a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Licensed Counselor, they are providing you an inferior level of care.  I also believe if you aren't given a preliminary mental disorder diagnosis with your prescription, they have not completed their job.    

My two prescriptions I take every morning are not candy, nor are they cure-alls for my illness.  My Doctor and "The Peach" both echo the sentiment that the 2 tried and true aids in depression are pharmacology and forms of talk therapy.  How did I know I was on the right combination of medications along with the right therapy?  I can say I vividly recall the day I looked up and suddenly saw how blue the sky was and that I could see color again in the world.  How amazing to know the sky isn't always a shade of grey.    

Happy Monday....xo, n

Digital Detox

Question:  You've mentioned several times about not spending so much time on technology/social media.  How do you do it?  How do you break away?  What did you learn at "The Peach" or since then about how to "unplug" and what the consequences are when you don't?  

How do I do it? 
I leave my phone in the bathroom plugged in every night when I go to bed.  That way I can hear it if I get an emergency call.  I've started going to bed a lot earlier than I used to so I am essentially "unplugging" some nights as early as 9:00-9:30 pm to get in bed and watch TV.  I don't really allow myself the luxury of the phone in bed with me.  I do keep my iPad on some nights to read articles, scroll through twitter and play a nutty game or two.  Sleep is imperative for me.  Lack of = trigger.    

How do you break away? 
It is a conscious daily effort on my part.  It is also out of respect for who I am with.  It annoys me at times but JT is pretty dang accurate when he says, "Be with me/us."  He says that when I or someone else is on their phone for an extended period of time at the table, etc.  Honestly, it is rude and it is essentially saying I'm much more interested in this than I am anything you have to say.  It actually feels good to leave my phone in my purse at the dinner table so I am not feeling so "ADD" looking at it, my food, my drink and trying to talk.  For someone with kids, my advice is to key in a specific ring tone for their texts and calls so you know it is them and not something else that may not require your immediate attention.  Take FB off of your phone.  Only log in to FB on your actual computer.  Is your life really affected by not knowing that "x" went to Cross fit this morning and that "y" is seeing the beach sunset this evening?  Taking a sabbatical made me realize just how much I was on it -- at a red light, in the bathtub, at the Doctor's office, anytime I had a free moment.  Take a piece of paper with you throughout the day and make a tick mark every time you pick up your phone to check it.  You will be amazed!  I'm loving my support groups because for 2 hours I don't have a phone because it isn't allowed.  Such a nice diversion to actually be in a place where you HAVE to focus on the people talking without a phone distraction.             

What are the consequences when I don't?  
Work/Life balance is imperative for me.  I still struggle with it daily.  I happen to have bosses in a different time zone paired with China's time difference and it can be disastrous for me in working late.  I am still trying to master it all.  I'm not perfect.  I'm not saying I never pick up my cell phone.  I am saying I am trying to make a conscious effort to not feel so "connected" to it so I am tuned in to other things and people.  I do know it helps my marriage and spending quality time with 2 of us and not having that 3rd and 4th person interrupting.         

I'll end on an extremely personal note to explain why we don't rely on texts as our primary means of communication any longer.  

On the morning of March 7th while sitting in the parking lot of Cumberland Psychiatric crying my eyes out, I texted JT and said, "Adele (my therapist at the time) doesn't think I need to go to California on Sunday."  His reply, "We have to work."  We were both "lost in translation."  Had we spoken on the phone he would have heard that I was crying and perhaps I could have explained the crisis I was in at the time.  His reply to me was accurate.  We both have to work and don't have the luxury of just saying, hmmm I don't really want to fly to California and meet with this buyer today.  He had no idea at all the state of mind I was in and in all fairness, wouldn't have because my texts weren't showing emotion at all.  That night, I was laying in the ER at North Fulton Regional.    

In summary, I'm not saying I don't text or use my phone a lot.  I do it daily.  I just know I've gotten my baby feelings hurt in the past over lack of replies from friends, the trite response of "k", a misconstrued tone, a sarcastic joke.  I'm improving in this arena by leaps and bounds.  It is a challenge but I'm up to the task.  

I've fought worse battles and won.  xo, n       


  

Top Ten

Letterman I am not, but I'm finding lately I may not be with the right therapist so until I find a new one, I need to be proactive in homework and combating triggers.  This morning I created my own Top 10 Things I Should Do to Battle Depression.  In the interest of full disclosure, I don't do all of these regularly but they are goals and I know they work.  

1.  Combat feeling overwhelmed.  Make small, realistic goals.  This relates to both work and personal for me.  I have to remember to delete phone calls, make a list, clean out my in box, see what my week is going to look like.    

2.  Take my meds.  This isn't rocket science but occasionally I forget.  It's only happened once since "The Peach."  I've recently changed my daily pill box to live beside the Keurig as a morning reminder.    

3.  Exercise.  Suffice it to say, walking to and around the cul-de-sac is a feat for me at this point.  It's just a proven fact and makes sense - exercise is important for us all mentally and physically.  

4.  Therapy appointments.  I used to get super excited to go to therapy and then I realized last week when I dreaded my appointment that it's time to make a change.  Change is always hard.  However, according to the experts, medicines combined with psychotherapy are the 2 best bets in combating this illness.  

5.  Support group attendance.  I've learned that being around like minded people striving for the same goal is so healthy for me.  It's refreshing to be in a room with a retired Radiologist, a Mom of 2, an Attorney, a retired Father of a Bipolar son, a Nurse at Wesley Woods and the list goes on and on.  All people suffering yet wanting to help each other and themselves to live a healthy life.       

6.  Pay it forward.  My friend "A" is a wonderful example and encourages me more than she realizes to pay it forward.  Doing something for someone else simply makes me feel better.     

7.  Getting Spiritually Fit.  I believe in God.  My faith matters to me, everyday, not just Easter Sunday.  It has brought me through some of my darkest hours.  It gave me the friends I have today.  It is important to me to have a church home I can call my own.  I cannot combat problems as well when I am spiritually lazy.        

8.  Family & Friend focus.  When you feel like you've disappointed the people who know you and love you the most, it's a daunting feeling.  I'm overcoming this feeling.  In turn, it has made me shut out some of the people I love the very most in my life.  It's important for me to let them know it's not them, it's me.  "What can I do to help?"  These words are amazingly comforting to someone feeling overwhelmed like me.  I've learned to accept the help.  I've learned that people rarely offer things they don't mean.  The letters, the texts, the meals, the prayers, the calls, the emails have gotten us through.  I am truly humbled in how loved I feel.      

9.  Check in.  If you read my blog regularly, you know how important the check in is for me and JT.    http://1013isnotmyhousenumber.blogspot.com/2014/04/check-in-or-check-out.html  

10.  Tune in the music, tune out the news.  For me, there's nothing better than a great play list combining Bon Jovi, Nashville and some 80's pop.  What I don't do well with is the local news or CNN blasting all of the school shootings, downed planes, house fires and anything else you can imagine that's sad.    

Happy Easter Week.....n

Answers to the Q's

Q.  Who or what was your biggest source of strength while at "The Peach?"

A.  Hmmm, I have 3.  

1.  JT, I don't have enough words to say about how this man has supported me unconditionally.  He answered the phone morning, noon and night and always had a positive thing to say to me to get me through.  He told me who texted him, took handwritten notes from me to text, read me Bible verses, told me who all loved me and funny kitty stories about Gabby and Pepper (anything to make me smile.)  

2.  My friend, "S" who was in "The Peach" with me.  She was the only person who came from across the room to me as I sat in the vitals chair upon my arrival tired, scared, dirty and sad.  She introduced herself and said, "It's gonna be okay Natalie, I was you yesterday."  That gave me such peace.  She will be a forever friend.  We took a journey together that no one can understand.    

3.  My Prayer Journal my Mother-in-law Lynn brought to me.  When you don't have a clear mind, it is so hard to stay on track with a prayer which in turn creates guilt.  This little special red book afforded me the ability to read small sentences of her notes and Bible verses.  They were amazing!  I read many of them to my roommate at midnight on my last night. 

Q.  Could you have visitors?  

A.  Yes, but only on Sunday from 2-3 PM and Wednesday from 6:30-7:30 PM. JT was so great about organizing the visits.  It was planned out where I saw him first, my parents second, Lynn and Michael next, a couple of friends and then him at the end all within an hour.  On Wednesday, he did the same thing with Mom and Dad and the Bohannons.   

Q.  Was family involved in your treatment?  

A.  Yes, I was assigned a Social Worker who called JT to discuss my case and set up what they call a "Family Session."  The sessions include education about depression, an understanding of what leads to crisis, developing a crisis plan and determining the next steps of the treatment plan.  One word = intense!  

It's late and I have a busy week ahead of work, therapy, support group and homework.  I'll leave you with one of my favorites from the Prayer Journal.  Matthew 6:25  

You have questions? I have answers...

I have blogged or journaled (as they call it in the world of therapy) for a long time, just not in such a public forum.  Honestly, other than the people who have texted or emailed me, I have no clue who is reading this blog.  

I thought it would be super cool to do a Q&A.  Email me any question you can think of in regard to "The Peach", mental illness, depression, recovery, etc. and I will do my very best to answer as raw and honest as possible (of course without using your name).  

I may get zero questions, I may get 2.  Either way, I loved the idea.  
Ask away!    

natalieoneal@bellsouth.net

Flashback Friday

When a crisis occurs, I have a tendency to revert back to what is comfortable. Comfort to me are songs from the 80's and early 90's sung in cars with big hair and in bedrooms with cassette tapes and fuzzy clock radios.  Comfort is knowing there is gaping space of physical distance between my high school best friends but only a quarter inch between our hearts.    

There's an unspoken code I like to think that has developed between us. There have been times we let our friendships waver and fade too much.  None of that matters.  You are here now.  I am here now.  We will always be there for each other in the important times.  And if we can't be there, we will understand that, too.  We get that there is a current life with responsibilities and struggles and even joys that neither of us is a part of because of time, distance and reality.  We will love each other unconditionally because our memories are too precious to let conditions get in the way.  

Hands down, my favorite letter received:  
  
Natalie, you can "ROCK STEADY" at this stumbling block because we're "LIVIN ON A PRAYER" for you.  You'll be singing "SWEET HOME ALABAMA" (couldn't think of anything else) but "GEORGIA" (UGA, that is) will be on your mind.  

We just want to "POUR SOME SUGAR" (smooch smooch) on you and make you "SHINE LIKE A DIAMOND."  "LAST CHRISTMAS" I'd have given you my heart if it would've helped.  "GIRL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE" you are going to be stronger than ever before.  As Kim would say, "NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN."  It's probably getting old getting woken up every 15 minutes.  I'm glad you didn't tell us to "BEAT IT" when we came to see you.  

It's "MY PREROGATIVE" to see that you know how much we love you.  Jeremiah 29:11  xoxo  

I do know how much....and I love you too.