Joy in my journey

A year ago on Friday, I was in severe pain.  
Today, I am celebrating my recovery.  

Below was what was waiting for me on the Keurig this morning.  

In celebrating "my now", below are a few things which stand out over the past 365 days.  It feels so great to help others brave the waters I have treaded.  

1.  Live in the now.  Now
2.  There is always hope.  Hope
3.  Talk therapy combined with medication is key.
4.  Ask for help.
5.  Be grateful.  Some people are praying for what I am blessed with. Gratitude
6.  My situation is not permanent, pervasive or personal. Attitude determines altitude
7.  You have to feel to heal.  Feel to heal
8.  Celebrate me!  It's a wonderful life 

9.  Sleep = quality of life.  Lights Out!

10.  Suicide is not selfish.  Robin Williams

11.  Support groups rock!  Support 

12.  Don't make assumptions.  Assume

13.  My husband loves me for me.  I understand. 

14.  Family check ins are paramount.  Check in 

15.  Be transparent.   

Thanks for being on my journey.  

Boy Interrupted

Last night after a long final day at the Atlanta Gift Mart, I walked in the house to JT entranced at the TV.  We've all heard of the old movie Girl, Interrupted capturing Winona Ryder in an institution.  Boy Interrupted is also about mental illness, however, it is a compelling indie HBO documentary brought to life by Evan Perry's parents, Dana and Hart.  I don't want to ramble so I'll summarize briefly what the movie is about.    

Evan Perry committed suicide at the age of 15.

Evan had bipolar disorder.

Evan's Uncle Scott committed suicide at the age of 21.

Scott had bipolar disorder. 
The film is moving, powerful, exhausting, sad but necessary.
Going off medications can be life threatening.
Evan represents so many who experience medication side-effects, distorted perceptions, hopelessness, pointlessness as noted in his suicide note below.  
Evan's parents, brothers, friends, teacher and Psychiatrist all give important insight to this dreadful illness.  

In summary, I'm stunned his parents had the mental fortitude to make this film.  It gives me hope that others may see the film and learn about how hard it is to live with a mental illness whether it be depression, bipolar, schizophrenia or anxiety.  One snippet of the film that resonated with me was an interview with one of Evan's closest school friends.  He was devastated and shocked to read Evan's note with the list of things to die for.  For me, it confirmed how others around us are the last people to know what is going on at times.  On the bright side, there is always hope.  I define hope.  I define survival.  I define recovery.  I define life.     


Boy Interrupted

6.24.14 & 6.25.14 The attire

It's a double entry today!  Between work, our dinner date and a 2 hour support group, time got away yesterday.  

57 days.

57 days to get a wedding dress, suit, engagement party outfit, rings, shoes, earrings, hair, makeup.  Might be a good thing I wasn't of sound mind during this time after all!  

Q.  What does a 41 year old not size 4 bride wear?

A.  Heck if I know.  That's what friends like SC are for.  

Q.  What stores have pull me off the rack and wear me wedding dresses?

A.   Not very many

Q.   What did I end up with?

A.   A size 22 dress which had to be completely remade.

Q.   Who remade my dress?

A.   The amazing Wanda who does Alltogether's alterations and made secretive trips to my house.    

Q.   What shoes does a " I have awful feet and need to walk in grass" bride wear? 

A.   Nude heels scored at Famous Footwear for $11 with a coupon.  My earrings from Nordstrom cost more than my shoes.   

Q.   What does a girl with short hair who also mistakenly let someone who just graduated from cosmo school cut her hair do with it for the big day?

A.   Practice with 2 different people.  I ended up opting to go to Atlanta the day of and have my hair done which was a great solution.  Who knew fake hair could be so expensive?  Such a hard hair decision with hot humid weather and trying to not be too made up pre wedding.  

Q.   Why is there a picture below of a suit with several ties?

A.   Because women all have a different opinion and JT's was different than all of ours.  I am the proud owner of a box of pastel ties in various blues, greens and pinks which were never returned if anyone is in need. 

             

Truly we love how it all played out with our "engagement party" outfits and opting to change into wedding attire.  I'm teary and smiling as I type this.  That says it all.

Sidebar.  I leave support group every week feeling a little more grateful than the last time.  I challenge us all to thank God for blessings we take for granted.  I can't go into detail about specifics I hear weekly but just know this....I am grateful for health insurance, medication, a job, a husband who loves me unconditionally, parents who understand, a will to get well.  

Food for thought.   

  

Friday Trifecta

Happy Friday!  

Anyone who is involved in my life recently knows I attend both therapy weekly along with 2 different support groups.  I've been doing a lot of analyzing this week and 3 points came to light I wanted to share in hopes this will help you or someone you know.  

1.  It didn't happen overnight. 
     Oh the struggle of getting out of bed, concentrating on work, self-critical thoughts, shame, guilt.  All of these are things I have struggled with daily for a long time.  Small steps today for me = big steps.  "I am here."  That is big.  Reminding myself of the positives is positive.  Healing takes time.        

2.  Keeping a lid on it.
     I read such a great quote in my research.  "Remember that others, even the ones who love you the most, aren't psychic and may still be operating on old information."  I'm fortunate to have people in my life who ask me what I need and how they can help while I'm working on my recovery.  Your Doctor and Therapist are only as good as the information you tell them.  Be open.   

3.  Lifetime illness.
     In group this week a lady frustratingly stated, "I'm tired of this!  I don't want it anymore."  Well, join the crowd.  I'm sure many don't want cancer, diabetes and other illnesses.  Be self-aware.  Don't miss medications, therapy sessions or Doctor appointments just because you feel better.  Cancer patients don't miss chemo treatments.  I read several medical documents stating that research shows if you stick to your treatment plan, you can become symptom-free.  Respect the seriousness of your illness.  

  

Hmmm I forgot what I had to tell you....

770-227-7115
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...
1 cup of sugar for sweet tea

All 3 of the above items are ones which should be engraved in my memory bank.  Yet all 3 are items I've forgotten many times and just stared ahead.  It embarrasses me.  I ride the airport park and ride because I can't afford the time it takes to walk around the parking garage at Hartsfield trying to figure out where I parked.  I am a horrible story teller - just ask my husband who has to high jack my stories half way through them due to my rambling and forgetfulness mid sentence.    

My issue is I have 2 bouts of viral meningitis under my belt combined with clinical depression.  Sort of a recipe for a memory melt down.  What compelled me to write about this topic is the show Scandal.  I love to binge watch a show and honestly part of the reason is because it helps me to piece together the episodes so I don't forget them week to week.  Mid way through one of the episodes last night I asked JT, "Did I watch Scandal pre or post hospitalization?"  It was pre.  I felt a sigh of relief.  I couldn't have recapped Seasons 1 and 2 in a proper manner if I tried.  I talk often about knowing I'm on the right medication combo.  My memory improvement and lack of confusion is just one more indication, my Psychiatrist is on target with me. 

Just some food for thought to take into consideration if you have people in your life suffering from a mental illness, dementia, TBI or Alzheimer's.  

• We often feel like we can't focus when giving or receiving instructions.  This leads to misunderstandings at home and work.  If often makes us feel "stupid" although we are far from stupid.  

• We often find it impossible to comprehend what we read which leads to a lack of enjoyment in not remembering the latest James Patterson or Emily Giffin beach read of the month.  Hence, the frustration of not being able to discuss it with friends.  You can forget about a Book Club!  

• We often lose our train of thought and cannot focus.  Be understanding when half way through a story, we cannot finish it due to not remembering.  

• We often find it difficult to focus on a task when others things are going on around us.  Example:  TV has to be muted for me to have a phone conversation or a conversation in that same room with someone.  Some perceive the distraction to be a lack of consideration for what they are trying to talk about.  I promise it isn't personal.  

Finally, a few tips I have put into play from research and discussion with my Psychiatrist and therapist.  

• Don't answer your phone if you know you will be distracted when talking.  Voicemail is there for a reason.  

• Make a daily to do list and cross them off as completed for a sense of accomplishment and to keep you on task.  

• Write everything down!  I cannot tell you how many times I thought I would remember that 10 am appointment when I got to my car only to have to call the office back to confirm.  

• Have a set place at home to put car keys, sunglasses, cell phone charger and things you use daily.  

• Take detailed notes during a meeting and leave nothing to chance thinking you will remember it later.  If in doubt, write it down!  

• If at all possible, have conversations in a quiet area with minimal distractions.  

• And finally, be honest.  If you are having a hard time focusing, say so.  It may prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

Shades of Grey

If your car Mercedes needed new brakes, would you take it to the Ford dealership to be fixed?  If your arm was broken would you go to a Cardiologist to have it set?  No and No!  I make these comparisons in the same way I feel about going to your General Practitioner aka Primary Care Physician, instead of a Psychiatrist for anti-depressants.  I should add a disclaimer that this entry is strictly based on my opinion and experiences alone.  I don't claim to be a med guru or know what's best for everyone.  I can only relate what has not and what is working for me.      

Most everyone I know pops these pills like candy.  We all want a quick fix.  Heck, I wanted a quick fix and was starving to feel better.  Coping skills are not necessary anymore - you can pop a Xanax every time you feel "uncomfortable" or a Paxil when you are sad about something that actually should make you sad.  It saddens me to see children watching their parents manage their lives with pills.  I was fortunate to grow up in a house where my parents only took antibiotics when prescribed.  I didn't even know the terms Xanax, Hydrocodone or Prozac until I was in my thirties.  

I see the real problem here is that doctors are prescribing the meds but not making the diagnosis.  I'll tell you that I was on many different antidepressants over the years and was never told I was "clinically depressed", "severely depressed" or any type of diagnosis.  It was basically me walking in and saying I feel x, y and z and twenty minutes later I walked out the door with prescription "a" praying it worked with minimal side effects.  I saw the prescription as a possible ray of hope to help with my mood and I was raised to have respect for doctors and do what they recommend as a patient.  

I strongly believe that if your GP or PCP has given you a prescription for an antidepressant without a recommended follow up to a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Licensed Counselor, they are providing you an inferior level of care.  I also believe if you aren't given a preliminary mental disorder diagnosis with your prescription, they have not completed their job.    

My two prescriptions I take every morning are not candy, nor are they cure-alls for my illness.  My Doctor and "The Peach" both echo the sentiment that the 2 tried and true aids in depression are pharmacology and forms of talk therapy.  How did I know I was on the right combination of medications along with the right therapy?  I can say I vividly recall the day I looked up and suddenly saw how blue the sky was and that I could see color again in the world.  How amazing to know the sky isn't always a shade of grey.    

Happy Monday....xo, n