Every scar has a story

A short but sweet post today.  

A friend complimented me this weekend. 
However, she had no idea she had done so.  
She said, "I told your story but I didn't use names."  
She told my story to someone in need.  
My story of depression, suicide attempt, therapy and most importantly....recovery.  
This is why I blog.  This is why I attend support groups and speak out. 
This is why I'm transparent about my illness.

I don't believe you can heal fully without telling your story.  


Every scar has a story....don't be afraid to tell it.

Boy Interrupted

Last night after a long final day at the Atlanta Gift Mart, I walked in the house to JT entranced at the TV.  We've all heard of the old movie Girl, Interrupted capturing Winona Ryder in an institution.  Boy Interrupted is also about mental illness, however, it is a compelling indie HBO documentary brought to life by Evan Perry's parents, Dana and Hart.  I don't want to ramble so I'll summarize briefly what the movie is about.    

Evan Perry committed suicide at the age of 15.

Evan had bipolar disorder.

Evan's Uncle Scott committed suicide at the age of 21.

Scott had bipolar disorder. 
The film is moving, powerful, exhausting, sad but necessary.
Going off medications can be life threatening.
Evan represents so many who experience medication side-effects, distorted perceptions, hopelessness, pointlessness as noted in his suicide note below.  
Evan's parents, brothers, friends, teacher and Psychiatrist all give important insight to this dreadful illness.  

In summary, I'm stunned his parents had the mental fortitude to make this film.  It gives me hope that others may see the film and learn about how hard it is to live with a mental illness whether it be depression, bipolar, schizophrenia or anxiety.  One snippet of the film that resonated with me was an interview with one of Evan's closest school friends.  He was devastated and shocked to read Evan's note with the list of things to die for.  For me, it confirmed how others around us are the last people to know what is going on at times.  On the bright side, there is always hope.  I define hope.  I define survival.  I define recovery.  I define life.     


Boy Interrupted

Only now is real

Yesterday while sitting in my Doctor's office for an impromptu appointment I was ever so grateful to get, I said, "gosh if I had diabetes or cancer, this would be so much easier to manage because I would know my diagnosis and treatment plan."  What was I thinking?  I feel certain any person sitting in a chair receiving chemo would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  He said, "Natalie, your illness requires managing and yes, you have to live with it daily, but you do not have to allow it to define you."  At the time, I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't necessarily comprehend it then.  Later that afternoon, I realized how important it is to celebrate the goals I've met and not focus on the ones I haven't.  I think this is important no matter who we are.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what we haven't done -- whether it be the painting of a room, taking your child to a promised place, losing weight, sending a thank you note, returning a call to a friend and the list goes on and on.  

Another realization I had was normalcy.  What is it?  I don't know.  That was the best way I knew how to explain it to JT and my therapist yesterday.  I'm navigating new waters in the ocean I've never traveled.  I want to be able to say, I'm feeling off today but I don't necessarily know what that is almost until it's come and gone.  I do know now how important it is for me to have a checklist to "keep me in check."  Am I isolating?  Am I over or under eating?  Am I sleeping too much or too little?  Am I sad?  Am I ignoring calls, texts or emails?  

As usual when I have something big in my life occur, I flock to the Internet for research.  It's commonplace in our family of 2 that I am the researcher for any and all things -- recipes, vacations, products, etc.  I take notes and then suss out (is that even a word?) what I deem to be important.  Here's a stab at my own thoughts combined with tidbits I found last night.  Hopefully they will help you in your own life as much as they are helping me.  

I will survive...

Not just because Gloria Gaynor said so but because I have before.  I can and will rely on my strength and wisdom that got me out of this before (and my arsenal - a supporting husband, friends, therapist and Doctor).  

This too shall pass.

Nothing is forever which is so helpful to remember during the bad days.  

My past is not my future.

There is nothing in writing stating I will relapse and head South and land back where I was.  I have tools to combat this.  

                            

Board the windows.  

Prep for the hurricane which may or may not make landfall.  Having a plan in place for down times.    

One last thing that stuck with me from yesterday was a discussion we had about negative and positive.  The positive doesn't necessarily stick to our brains but the negative has a tendency to stick like Velcro.  I am finding that the tiniest of sentences help me pull the Velcro away.  

I'm okay.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I will feel better.

This too shall pass. 

I won't always feel this way.  

One day at a time.

I will live in the now.  

It's okay.

This moment, only.  

Oh and, it's a long holiday weekend :)

6.23.14 Anniversary count down

In honor of the week of our 1st Anniversary, I'd like to blog each day and tell our story of how June 29th came to be.  It's harder than you may think for me to tell this story.  I was ill then.  251 days later, I was hospitalized.  I made mistakes during the planning.  I was emotional.  I made decisions not thinking clearly which "clearly" hurt others during this time. Some have understood, some haven't.  That's how this illness works.  We do the best we can.  We hurt, we forgive, we cry, we laugh, we love.     

JT finally got the courage to ask me one day, "How did you feel during our wedding?  Do you remember it?"  As much as his heart has been broken thinking he could have done more, my heart was broken thinking he thought I wasn't all there and in the moment on our special night.  I think we've both proven to each other since then that our love has only grown stronger since June 29th.  

57 days

That's how long it took to plan our wedding.  

And so it began Friday, May 3, 2013 with a phone call and an idea from Gloria.  After talking to JT, the deal was sealed and documented below.    

The hundreds and I mean hundreds of text messages bounced back and forth. Secret Spalamar meetings, secret dress fittings on Maple, secret menus planned, "Engagement" party invites created, a table, bench and arbor from Gloria's house chosen for the ceremony, speeches written, secret meetings with Wayne at Artistic, etc.   

It was super fun when the texts started rolling in like the one above from Anna.  That's when I really knew it was real and we had a short time to plan yet a long time to keep a secret!