The "Januaries"

This month is cold, dark, post UGA loss and holidays.  An old friend of mine coined the term "the Januaries" and it sums up the feelings I have pretty well.  The last two mornings of college football news cycles have gutted me.  Two suicides.  Two 21-22 young men.  Two families, universities and friends struggling to find out why. 


Washington State quarterback Tyler Hilinski found dead from an apparent suicidePULLMAN, Wash. (AP) — Washington State quarterback Tyler Hilinski has died from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Grandson of K-State coach Bill Snyder, son of Sean Snyder dies at 22

WHY?  This word is what compelled me to finally blog again.  I fear these poor families may never find the answer they are so desperately searching for.  When experiencing severe depression, your entire world is distressed and there is no door to escape.  This makes suicide almost seductive, because it seemingly offers an available escape option.  Unless you have experienced these feelings of despair, it is impossible to comprehend why.  How do I know this?  I know this because on March 7, 2014, I was that girl needing an escape.  Fortunately, my story includes an amazing Psychiatrist, therapist, husband, friends and medicines, which have all been good to me.  

Did you know that in a recent study, 1 in 5 Americans suffer a mental illness each year?  This isn't referring to a sadness you feel from a break up, this is referring to the thought of feeling like lifting an elephant may seem easier than getting out of bed.  I long for the day when discussing Zoloft and Prozac to treat your brain are no different than discussing Amoxicillin to treat an infection.  I long for the day depression shows up on an MRI or an X-ray.  I long for the day mental illness isn't surrounded by stigma in America.  

If you went to the grocery store today, you were surrounded by someone in mental pain.  Be kind.  Smile.  

If you got together with a group of friends last night, it is likely that one of them was suffering mentally in some form.  Be kind.  Listen.  Take the time.  

If you are feeling sad, lonely, depressed, dark, grey - seek help.  It won't be a quick fix; however, I promise it will be worth all you have to do to feel normal again.  I used the word normal intentionally becomes when it comes to mental health, it should be normal to discuss.  A list of help outlets are below:

text HOME to 741741 to text with a crisis counselor.  
Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255

In closing, I read this in an article and found it so meaningful. 

"HELP."  Four letters, one syllable.  It's the most profound prayer of all.   

It happens

Every time I want to stop writing, it happens.
Every time I feel embarrassed to post something on instagram about mental illness, it happens.  

"It happens" is....

someone reaches out.  

Is a life saved?  I don't know.  
What I do know is a person hurting is finally feeling unashamed to talk.  

Monday afternoon we sat outside on our back porch and cried.  
We cried because I was Madison Holleran.
We cried because I sat in a therapists office too and discussed suicide prior to hospitalization.
We cried mostly because I am here, he is here, God is here and we are here...in the now. 

Please click the links below and read the story for yourself, for your children and for me.  

Instagram only showed part of the story

Life Unfiltered

The reality of this situation and many others is that there are numerous reasons why people may hide the struggles they are dealing with; but a key issue is that people my be fearful of the reaction they will receive when they share their thoughts or ask for help.  WE have to make it ok to let people know that it is ok to ask for help by creating the space among your friends and family that allows for open conversation where mental health concerns are part of the discussion. 

Be educated. Help a friend. Help yourself.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.” – Anonymous

Heal and Feel

I haven't written a lot lately which is never a good sign.  

I explored why this morning and I think it's mainly because I feel like I will come across as one big giant complaint and I truly try not to be negative Natalie.  The beauty of this is they make a DBSA support group and they are more than happy to listen to my everything.  In summary, I'm struggling with managing my mental illness combined with my physical illness -- both of which don't have blood tests to determine how well I am doing in each arena.  One day up, one day down and I feel that no one understands either plight.    

This led me to thinking about the overall stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness in America.  The first tweet I saw this morning was one of Glenn Close discussing mental illness.  Her video was so powerful.  

"one in four people will be touched by mental illness "and yet it's criminally underfunded and ignored."

Almost every week I hear something along the lines of, "she just doesn't understand", "my Mom thinks I'm just lazy and doesn't get why doing one task a day is all I can truly take on", "You have everything in the world to be happy about, why on earth are you sad?"  I read something an example in a blog that struck home for me and may help others in understanding depression.  "My blood sugar was low last night and then I filled myself with good thoughts and remembered all I am grateful for, and now I no longer have diabetes!"                  

When we all take on the same mantra as Glenn Close and her Bring Change 2 Mind campaign and start sharing things such as having depression is FACT, not feeling, perhaps then people will become more understanding and compassionate to mental illness.  I have often said, "you can't heal what you don't feel."  Owning and admitting my illness is one of the bravest things I have done in my life.    

I struggle to explain depression to people.  This is really hard for me but I'm going to give some examples of racing thoughts I used to think while laying in bed.  I do this simply for someone who may be living with a person with mental illness to hopefully understand your loved one more.  I also do this for someone undiagnosed to know you are not alone and there is hope and help.  It is working.  I have people reaching out to me weekly. 

My former racing thoughts....
Why do you think you would get invited to that party?  No one likes you and they can't relate to you anyway because you don't have kids like they do and you don't want them so they think you hate their kids.  Why are you wearing that outfit that makes you look bigger than you even are?  Why are you even attempting to tell a story when you can't remember half of it because we all know your memory sucks?  You are not smart at all with numbers and soon everyone will know that and you will lose your job.  Why would you get out of bed today when you have zero to be happy about?  Get out of bed so you can fake your way through the day like you always do.  No one has time for you so quit thinking they do.  She didn't reply to your text because you are not important to her.  She didn't show up for your get together because she doesn't want to be around you.  Just stop trying all of these different meds, they don't work and never will, this is who you are, a crazy person.    

I sit here with twofold tears.  Happy tears because I am standing vertical today and in recovery.  Sad tears because there are so many suffering in silence, undiagnosed and feeling hopeless.  My story is not unique.  There are close to 16 million people suffering with this debilitating illness.  I am unique in my recovery because I have chosen not to suffer in silence and I have an amazing Psychiatrist who found the perfect combo of drugs for me, an amazing therapist, an amazing supportive husband and amazing friends and family who have chose to stand by me even when isolation and sleep were my only escape.  

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. 

It is a month to consciously make an effort to try to walk in someone else's shoes.  

Just because someone is smiling doesn't mean he or she isn't battling depression.  

Just because someone weighs a healthy 120 doesn't mean he or she isn't battling an eating disorder.  

Just because someone acts confident doesn't mean he or she isn't taking medication to put their anxiety disorder at bay.  

Not all pain is physical and not all wounds are visible.  

We all know someone.  Join me in making an effort to be kinder, to be open to discussions about mental illness, to beat the stigma and embarrassment we all feel about coming forward to own our illnesses.  

     

Turkey Tears

I've always felt I could give advice but never take my own.  Some folks have zero problem loving themselves enough to post a selfie or 2 or 10.  I'm working on loving myself and with that comes patting myself on the back for achievements.  They can be baby feats or really big ones like hosting Thanksgiving back to back for both of our families on Thursday and Friday.  I cried several times over the weekend.  The troublesome thing for me about my tears flowing was I really didn't know why, no major "trigger" happened.  I cried snapping beans, I cried mixing mac and cheese, I cried pouring sugar for tea and I cried in JT's arms.  I've come to accept that crying can be cleansing and good for us and it's like pushing a reset button to bounce back.  

In the interim, I texted with a friend who said exactly what I needed to hear which leads me to my next topic ... powerful connections.  It's really hard for me to keep up with relationships while I try to heal and recover.  There are a handful of people who understand.  One of the most powerful concepts to me is the feeling of someone being there even if not in person.  Yesterday, I received a text from a friend who asked for a prayer.  I panicked.  I took a deep breath and opened my "Everything is going to be OK" book and flipped through the pages.  I found a prayer I had written down from a book in a dark moment and then expanded it to what I was feeling for my friend.       

Dear God, 

Sometimes the cares of the day seem to multiply, while the blessings fade so quickly.  Our bodies grow tired, and our minds even more tired.  Give ____ the strength you've promised in your Word.  Give ____ the power to take the next step.  Give ____ your grace for we know that in our weaknesses your strength is revealed.  May ____ receive it today.  Help us remember that nothing is going to happen to ____ today that you and _____ can't handle together.  Amen.

Today, I shared this prayer with Olivia, my therapist.  I looked up and tears streamed down her face and mine.  It was then that I realized that being there for each other even if only in spirit, is what it's really all about just like God is always ever present for us.  May we all feel God's love this holiday season.      

Maybe one day I'll take a selfie but rest assured it will stay on my camera roll only.  #ihateselfies 
Meanwhile, enjoy our not so photogenic but loving family photos.   

Only now is real

Yesterday while sitting in my Doctor's office for an impromptu appointment I was ever so grateful to get, I said, "gosh if I had diabetes or cancer, this would be so much easier to manage because I would know my diagnosis and treatment plan."  What was I thinking?  I feel certain any person sitting in a chair receiving chemo would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  He said, "Natalie, your illness requires managing and yes, you have to live with it daily, but you do not have to allow it to define you."  At the time, I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't necessarily comprehend it then.  Later that afternoon, I realized how important it is to celebrate the goals I've met and not focus on the ones I haven't.  I think this is important no matter who we are.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what we haven't done -- whether it be the painting of a room, taking your child to a promised place, losing weight, sending a thank you note, returning a call to a friend and the list goes on and on.  

Another realization I had was normalcy.  What is it?  I don't know.  That was the best way I knew how to explain it to JT and my therapist yesterday.  I'm navigating new waters in the ocean I've never traveled.  I want to be able to say, I'm feeling off today but I don't necessarily know what that is almost until it's come and gone.  I do know now how important it is for me to have a checklist to "keep me in check."  Am I isolating?  Am I over or under eating?  Am I sleeping too much or too little?  Am I sad?  Am I ignoring calls, texts or emails?  

As usual when I have something big in my life occur, I flock to the Internet for research.  It's commonplace in our family of 2 that I am the researcher for any and all things -- recipes, vacations, products, etc.  I take notes and then suss out (is that even a word?) what I deem to be important.  Here's a stab at my own thoughts combined with tidbits I found last night.  Hopefully they will help you in your own life as much as they are helping me.  

I will survive...

Not just because Gloria Gaynor said so but because I have before.  I can and will rely on my strength and wisdom that got me out of this before (and my arsenal - a supporting husband, friends, therapist and Doctor).  

This too shall pass.

Nothing is forever which is so helpful to remember during the bad days.  

My past is not my future.

There is nothing in writing stating I will relapse and head South and land back where I was.  I have tools to combat this.  

                            

Board the windows.  

Prep for the hurricane which may or may not make landfall.  Having a plan in place for down times.    

One last thing that stuck with me from yesterday was a discussion we had about negative and positive.  The positive doesn't necessarily stick to our brains but the negative has a tendency to stick like Velcro.  I am finding that the tiniest of sentences help me pull the Velcro away.  

I'm okay.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I will feel better.

This too shall pass. 

I won't always feel this way.  

One day at a time.

I will live in the now.  

It's okay.

This moment, only.  

Oh and, it's a long holiday weekend :)

Friday Trifecta

Happy Friday!  

Anyone who is involved in my life recently knows I attend both therapy weekly along with 2 different support groups.  I've been doing a lot of analyzing this week and 3 points came to light I wanted to share in hopes this will help you or someone you know.  

1.  It didn't happen overnight. 
     Oh the struggle of getting out of bed, concentrating on work, self-critical thoughts, shame, guilt.  All of these are things I have struggled with daily for a long time.  Small steps today for me = big steps.  "I am here."  That is big.  Reminding myself of the positives is positive.  Healing takes time.        

2.  Keeping a lid on it.
     I read such a great quote in my research.  "Remember that others, even the ones who love you the most, aren't psychic and may still be operating on old information."  I'm fortunate to have people in my life who ask me what I need and how they can help while I'm working on my recovery.  Your Doctor and Therapist are only as good as the information you tell them.  Be open.   

3.  Lifetime illness.
     In group this week a lady frustratingly stated, "I'm tired of this!  I don't want it anymore."  Well, join the crowd.  I'm sure many don't want cancer, diabetes and other illnesses.  Be self-aware.  Don't miss medications, therapy sessions or Doctor appointments just because you feel better.  Cancer patients don't miss chemo treatments.  I read several medical documents stating that research shows if you stick to your treatment plan, you can become symptom-free.  Respect the seriousness of your illness.  

  

I am here

I struggled a bit this week because I read some old journals to my therapist.  I think it was the first time I felt the magnitude and gravity of the word suicide.  I've been calling it the "s" word in my mind.  I read about others suicides or attempts and think to myself, "Oh gosh that is terrible -- how much pain she must have been in to do that."   Helllooo?!?!  I was her.  I'm that person when I look in the mirror.  Like I said in a previous blog, we have to feel to heal.  I don't believe we can fully recover until we acknowledge things.  Hiding an addiction, an illness, problems are simply not healthy for anyone involved.  The below image jumped out at me on Pinterest.  Today I'm giving myself a pat on the back for working hard in recovery.  I'm exhausted but I feel accomplished.      

At our support group this week, a lady said, "Y'all may have just saved my life tonight."  

Someone replied to her, "You are here."

I am here.   

Hmmm I forgot what I had to tell you....

770-227-7115
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...
1 cup of sugar for sweet tea

All 3 of the above items are ones which should be engraved in my memory bank.  Yet all 3 are items I've forgotten many times and just stared ahead.  It embarrasses me.  I ride the airport park and ride because I can't afford the time it takes to walk around the parking garage at Hartsfield trying to figure out where I parked.  I am a horrible story teller - just ask my husband who has to high jack my stories half way through them due to my rambling and forgetfulness mid sentence.    

My issue is I have 2 bouts of viral meningitis under my belt combined with clinical depression.  Sort of a recipe for a memory melt down.  What compelled me to write about this topic is the show Scandal.  I love to binge watch a show and honestly part of the reason is because it helps me to piece together the episodes so I don't forget them week to week.  Mid way through one of the episodes last night I asked JT, "Did I watch Scandal pre or post hospitalization?"  It was pre.  I felt a sigh of relief.  I couldn't have recapped Seasons 1 and 2 in a proper manner if I tried.  I talk often about knowing I'm on the right medication combo.  My memory improvement and lack of confusion is just one more indication, my Psychiatrist is on target with me. 

Just some food for thought to take into consideration if you have people in your life suffering from a mental illness, dementia, TBI or Alzheimer's.  

• We often feel like we can't focus when giving or receiving instructions.  This leads to misunderstandings at home and work.  If often makes us feel "stupid" although we are far from stupid.  

• We often find it impossible to comprehend what we read which leads to a lack of enjoyment in not remembering the latest James Patterson or Emily Giffin beach read of the month.  Hence, the frustration of not being able to discuss it with friends.  You can forget about a Book Club!  

• We often lose our train of thought and cannot focus.  Be understanding when half way through a story, we cannot finish it due to not remembering.  

• We often find it difficult to focus on a task when others things are going on around us.  Example:  TV has to be muted for me to have a phone conversation or a conversation in that same room with someone.  Some perceive the distraction to be a lack of consideration for what they are trying to talk about.  I promise it isn't personal.  

Finally, a few tips I have put into play from research and discussion with my Psychiatrist and therapist.  

• Don't answer your phone if you know you will be distracted when talking.  Voicemail is there for a reason.  

• Make a daily to do list and cross them off as completed for a sense of accomplishment and to keep you on task.  

• Write everything down!  I cannot tell you how many times I thought I would remember that 10 am appointment when I got to my car only to have to call the office back to confirm.  

• Have a set place at home to put car keys, sunglasses, cell phone charger and things you use daily.  

• Take detailed notes during a meeting and leave nothing to chance thinking you will remember it later.  If in doubt, write it down!  

• If at all possible, have conversations in a quiet area with minimal distractions.  

• And finally, be honest.  If you are having a hard time focusing, say so.  It may prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 

Feel to heal

Funny how a new day brings a new perspective.  I have finally found a new therapist and she is simply amazing!  It is a joy to see her each week.  I printed out my "Overwhelmed" blog from this week and was armed mentally to discuss it at length.  She said, "Natalie, it's just a feeling."  Hmmmm, yes, it was just a feeling.  I'm using it as a verb.  I'm almost fixated on the act of being overwhelmed.  It is only temporary  -- a temporary feeling.  

I turned on my phone at the end of our session yesterday to be met with the news that Maya Angelou passed away.  My therapist and I both lamented and talked about what a wonderful person she was and how much wisdom she left behind and how sad Oprah must be.  I read off my phone a Maya quote to her, "I did then what I knew how to do.  Now that I know better, I do better."  How appropriate is that?  My last few months I truly did only what I knew how to do with the mindset I had which was ill and cloudy.  I know better now.  I must do better.  I will do better.  I am doing better.  

I then returned home and a friend texted me a Maya Angelou quote, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."  Amen!  That has been my ongoing chapter since March 7th.  I am bearing the untold story of my soul.  My therapist said yesterday, "Natalie, you have to feel to heal."   Lastly, I found this quote quite compelling.  I am working daily to change the way I think about things.  It is magical to be able to change a negative thought into a positive.   

There were people who went to sleep last night, 
poor and rich and white and black, 
but they will never wake again. 

And those dead folks would give anything at all 
for just five minutes of this weather 
or ten minutes of plowing. 

So you watch yourself about complaining. 

What you're supposed to do 
when you don't like a thing is change it. 
If you can't change it, 
change the way you think about it.” 
― Maya Angelou

Google Maya Angelou quotes.  No wonder I have always liked her.  Many of my favorite quotes are hers and I didn't even realize it.  

A Full Calendar

I promised some laughs and a tour of "inside the walls" of Peachford....I'll get there eventually, but not tonight.  One of the most difficult things of being "on the outside," is the feeling of being under a microscope.  Sometimes everyone seems to know the whats, whys and who's of me when in reality they know very little.  It’s kind of funny in a sarcastic way for me to sit back and hear things about me such as, “She moved away from Griffin and it was too much, she never got over dealing with that lost friendship from last year, she works from home and should be around people more, she has no friends in Alpharetta and how will she meet people, JT is the cause of this and the pressure she has felt to move, the wedding was just too much with moving and the issues surrounding it, she’s been talking to x,y and z and they aren’t good for her."

My reality is only 4 people know my triggers, causes, length of illness, recovery process, treatment plan and medications — me, my husband, my Doctor and my therapist.  I have found that it is important for that to remain true and I highly recommend it to anyone going through something similar.  Others don’t understand — they may say they do, but they don’t.  Not one “single” event has “caused” my depression.  Chemical imbalances trigger many things in people.  Until you have walked a mile in clinical depression's shoes, you don’t understand.  You haven’t felt the cloud, the sadness, the pain, the feeling of worthlessness, the racing thoughts, the exhaustion and sheer feeling of being overwhelmed in all you do.  I had a person who read my blog make the statement via email, "everyday is a March 7th for me."  It broke my heart because I know how much pain she is in and I pray she gets the help, support, proper medications and treatment she deserves.    

It is extremely important to support a friend with mental illness  — support via hugs, love and positivity.  Rumors, being told what you should or shouldn’t be doing, judgements, are not helpful to anyone.  It delays healing.  It triggers old habits.  Personally, I am treating this exactly like I have an addiction.  Successful addicts change their lifestyle (I cannot afford not to).  They attend meetings, support groups, Dr. visits and therapy.  I am changing my lifestyle and the meetings and groups are in ink on my calendar.  

I don't really have time for depression, my calendar is full.  xo...Natalie

The Perfect Storm

One might call the week of March 3^rd the perfect storm for me.  The combination of a significant increase in my anti depressant drug "e" caused every side effect imaginable such as dry mouth, day and night sweats, racing thoughts, insomnia and many more.  This combined with a West coast trip time difference, the act of smiling when sad and a rough bed to sleep in made for a week of hell.  A visit to my therapist on Friday surely would have helped I thought.  Surely it would have given me the perfect mental fortitude to jump back on a plane Sunday to head back to Santa Monica for another meeting.  Surely turned quickly into surely not hours later.  I would love to detail my exact feelings that afternoon in hopes that I could help another.  The truth is, I don’t know who I was that day sitting in my bed.  The Natalie that I know would never not want to be here to love her husband, family, friends, kitties, hydrangeas, sunshine, diet cokes, crushed ice, chocolate and many other loves. 

The topic of suicide is controversial at best.  I have no interest in debating anyone on the topic.  I can only offer my feelings and what I felt Friday, March 7^th.  Those cannot be debated.  This is a VERY BIG STEP for me in recovery --journaling and stating publicly what occurred.  Bear with me....  

A finger snapped, my heart rate and pulse were out of control and the harsh reality of the pills I ingested became clear.  Sheer panic swept over me and all I remember is the strong knowledge prodding me to get to the phone to call JT.  God had a better plan in mind.  His plan was to send JT home early that day.  As I turned the corner to grab the phone, I was met by a garage door closing and JT.  I cried in agony for help and for him to take me to the hospital.  The next 24 hours would be ones of grief, fear, reality, tears and love.  The sentence, “Suicide is a selfish act” is not one that I can agree with.  I cannot agree because I myself was not in any frame of mind to know what I did, the consequences, etc.  While I’m sure many do take their lives to complete an, “ok, I’ll show them” mission, I am not that person.  Some pain is simply too much to bear and some illnesses are too far along to comprehend the action.  For me, it was an overwhelming feeling of sadness, exhaustion, racing thoughts, no self worth.  It is an indescribable feeling of desperation no one can understand until you have been there. 

Friends and family are not equipped to help with this kind of help.  Not one person could have known I was in this state.  Sure, I dropped hints.  I told a friend at lunch in Griffin that I went to the Doctor and cried because my Drug "e" wasn’t working like it should.  I secretly was begging her to reach out to me, she didn't, but she also had no way of knowing my level of desperation.  I told my husband I was having a rough time sleeping and was sad and promised I would go to a therapist, get help and all would be fine.  He had zero way of knowing the depths of my pain.  I was a master at hiding it.  I lamented daily via text with another two friends who offered prayer, devotions, positive quotes, affirmations and any other sweet gesture one would think would help.  They were band aids for me.  These two had no way of knowing that.  I don’t know that even I knew that at the time.  

March 7^th was a day, an event in my life meant to ensure spiritual growth, a new church home, marital growth, mental fortitude, new friendships, the confirmation of old friendships, the dissolving of unhealthy friendships, new healthy habits, new hobbies and meeting strangers.  God doesn’t waste a hurt, does he Dusty Takle?  Rick Warren of Saddleback Church stated after his son's suicide due to mental illness, "One of the things I believe is that God never wastes a hurt and that oftentimes your greatest ministry comes out of your deepest pain."  Amen!      

This post has been overwhelming but in a good way.  I haven't been able to use the word overwhelming in a positive fashion in a long, long time.  I haven't been able to do a lot of things in a long time.  Follow along to see that evolve. 

Get excited!  More tomorrow on cherry charcoal and the ER.....