This is a repost from the New yorker i just dug up. if you are living with a mood disorder, I hope this brings you as much humor as it does me.
MY BRAIN: THE ALL-HANDS
MEETING
Me: Hey, everyone, thanks for coming. This
meeting is just to check in, get updated about what everybody’s been working on
in the first quarter of the day, and see how we’re feeling about the future.
Coffee, wanna kick us off?
Coffee: Sure, thanks. So, my team’s been pretty
active in Q1. We started out with our regular one cup, and, you know, we
weren’t seeing immediate results. We’re attributing that to a number of
factors. Our target is developing a tolerance owing to her unemployment, plus
we all know there’ve been some hiccups in the new sleep schedule—
(Sleep snorts. Coffee pauses.)
Coffee: —but we’re hoping to hit the ground running
in Q2 with the second-cup initiative, and build on the foundation that
Antidepressants set up.
Antidepressants: Yeah, thanks, Coffee. Can I get that
PowerPoint I e-mailed everyone up on the screen, please? Great. Now, as you can
see, our department’s not getting the full R.O.I. we once were. Forty
milligrams of Cymbalta used to be enough to get her out of bed and to a coffee
shop, but increasingly—especially with the overwhelming trend toward
mobile—she’s just checking her e-mail on her phone and then going back to
sleep.
Sleep: Can I jump in here?
Me: Sure, Sleep, let’s hear from you.
Sleep: Listen, I know my department has been asking
for a lot recently. But what do you want me to say? She’s unemployed now.
That’s a new climate for all of us. We’ve had to adapt. Her sleeping patterns
are being completely recalibrated. Seven hours a night isn’t gonna fly. We need
nine, ten, even eleven hours now.
Coffee (under its breath):
Ridiculous.
Sleep: And I hate to say it, but, as we enter Q2,
the fact is we need a nap.
(Assorted grumbles and groans
can be heard around the room.)
Sugar: We don’t need a nap, O.K.? What we need is a
pastry.
Protein: Absolutely not. A pastry is a Band-Aid
solution! We need scrambled eggs.
Me: Guys, come on. I can’t get into this with
you two again before lunch. Let’s circle back to Coffee’s second-cup
initiative. Water, how does that look from your end?
Water: I’m gonna have to strongly advise against
it. If the first cup didn’t work, why would we double down on that strategy and
sink more resources into a second cup? Besides, my team’s projections show that
more coffee would frankly be counter to our goals at this point.
Coffee: Excuse me?
Water: She’s tired because she’s dehydrated. It’s always dehydration! How many articles
from the Huffington Post’s Healthy Living vertical does her mom need to forward
her before this sinks in?
Coffee (sulkily): There’s
water in coffee, you know.
Exercise: I’m with Water. The work my guys are doing
is pointless without support in the form of more water! All through Q1, we were
busting our ass at yoga class and she couldn’t get any of the benefits because
she was feeling light-headed from a single Sun Salutation. That’s textbook
dehydration. I’m sorry, but it is.
Sugar: Could be low blood sugar.
Exercise: It’s not.
Sugar: It could be, though.
Water: It’s not.
Me: All right, let’s cool it with the crosstalk,
please. I want to go big picture. None of us can deny the negative trends we’ve
been seeing in mood and productivity. Let’s do a deep dive. Therapy, what do
you have to say?
Therapy: I know things look stagnant right now, but
it’s a process. We’re pursuing a long-term strategy, and sometimes things have
to get worse before they get better. If we just stay the course—
Antidepressants: Oh, stuff it.
Therapy: Hey!
Antidepressants: I’m sick of this asshole taking credit for
the work I’m doing! Therapy, have you ever gotten
concrete results?
Therapy: I’m dealing with challenges that the rest of
you have never had to handle! An off-site partner is not easy to work with, you
know. Her Subconscious couldn’t even be bothered to dial in to this meeting.
Me: We tried. The connection was bad.
Therapy: What else is new?
Me: Look, excuses and finger-pointing aren’t
going to solve anything. Does anyone have any constructive ideas?
(A calm, wise voice speaks up
from the back of the room.)
Meditation: Pardon me, but may I make a suggestion? If
you’d consider bringing me on full time instead of employing me on a sporadic
freelance basis, I really think I could help out with some of these issues.
Me: Yeah, yeah. Maybe next quarter.
(Alcohol clears its throat.)
Alcohol: I know you already know that we’re all dying
to contribute more consistently over in my department.
Weed: Ditto.
Me: Thanks, guys. I appreciate that.
Water: Tell me you’re not considering putting those
jackasses in charge.
Me: Not in charge. Just . . .
maybe they should have a place at the table. Would that be so terrible?
(Suddenly, the door to the
conference room bursts open.)
P.M.S.: Sorry, sorry, sorry! Am I late?
Me: Fuck it. Sleep, you’re in charge. ♦
Hallie Cantor wrote for
the third season of Comedy Central’s “Inside Amy Schumer.” She lives in
Brooklyn
