Only now is real

Yesterday while sitting in my Doctor's office for an impromptu appointment I was ever so grateful to get, I said, "gosh if I had diabetes or cancer, this would be so much easier to manage because I would know my diagnosis and treatment plan."  What was I thinking?  I feel certain any person sitting in a chair receiving chemo would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  He said, "Natalie, your illness requires managing and yes, you have to live with it daily, but you do not have to allow it to define you."  At the time, I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't necessarily comprehend it then.  Later that afternoon, I realized how important it is to celebrate the goals I've met and not focus on the ones I haven't.  I think this is important no matter who we are.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what we haven't done -- whether it be the painting of a room, taking your child to a promised place, losing weight, sending a thank you note, returning a call to a friend and the list goes on and on.  

Another realization I had was normalcy.  What is it?  I don't know.  That was the best way I knew how to explain it to JT and my therapist yesterday.  I'm navigating new waters in the ocean I've never traveled.  I want to be able to say, I'm feeling off today but I don't necessarily know what that is almost until it's come and gone.  I do know now how important it is for me to have a checklist to "keep me in check."  Am I isolating?  Am I over or under eating?  Am I sleeping too much or too little?  Am I sad?  Am I ignoring calls, texts or emails?  

As usual when I have something big in my life occur, I flock to the Internet for research.  It's commonplace in our family of 2 that I am the researcher for any and all things -- recipes, vacations, products, etc.  I take notes and then suss out (is that even a word?) what I deem to be important.  Here's a stab at my own thoughts combined with tidbits I found last night.  Hopefully they will help you in your own life as much as they are helping me.  

I will survive...

Not just because Gloria Gaynor said so but because I have before.  I can and will rely on my strength and wisdom that got me out of this before (and my arsenal - a supporting husband, friends, therapist and Doctor).  

This too shall pass.

Nothing is forever which is so helpful to remember during the bad days.  

My past is not my future.

There is nothing in writing stating I will relapse and head South and land back where I was.  I have tools to combat this.  

                            

Board the windows.  

Prep for the hurricane which may or may not make landfall.  Having a plan in place for down times.    

One last thing that stuck with me from yesterday was a discussion we had about negative and positive.  The positive doesn't necessarily stick to our brains but the negative has a tendency to stick like Velcro.  I am finding that the tiniest of sentences help me pull the Velcro away.  

I'm okay.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I will feel better.

This too shall pass. 

I won't always feel this way.  

One day at a time.

I will live in the now.  

It's okay.

This moment, only.  

Oh and, it's a long holiday weekend :)