100 Percent

Some days it's a lot harder than others to put one foot in front of the other.  Yesterday was one of those and I'm doing my damnedest to not make today one of them too.  I'm tired of being 75 percent or 81 or 85 or any number other than 100.  Sick of it!  I want to be whole, I want to be the friend I feel I used to be to people, I want to return phone calls, I want to go to concerts, I want to plan birthday outings, I want to exercise, I want to work to my highest level.  This is so so hard.  It's hard to write that I don't feel whole and that I'm going through a really hard time right now.  However, I feel that it's the fair, raw thing to do and what I promised my Doctor I would do.  Be real.  

This journey isn't all fun and games.  You don't walk out of the hospital and claim wellness.  It isn't like Lasik surgery where you see clearly again.  It's a cloud constantly.  It's the unknown.  It's so so difficult to treat the unknown.  

I am so fortunate.  Fortunate to have a caregiver who truly cares, pushes me forward and says, "what can I do to help?", takes me to a meeting last night, points out a rainbow and says it is our sign, surrounds me with people who know exactly how I feel and most importantly, loves me for who I am -- all 100% of me.  100 percent.  I have it.  It just took me writing it all out this morning to see that.