365 times 2

Two years....

of recovery.
of therapy.
of support groups.
of growth.

A lot can happen in 365 days times 2.  
Heck, a lot can happen in a week.  
This week alone my Dad has had several diagnoses while in the hospital at Emory.  Gram-rod negative bacteria, infection to the heart, gall bladder, liver cancer,  hepatitis.  A roller coaster ride would summarize what my family has been through since Saturday.    

One of my best friends texted me last night saying, "you are so strong."

I don't feel strong at times but when I do, my strength comes from working my program.  It comes from weekly therapy sessions, reading and listening to books on tape such as The Dance of Anger and The Power of Now.  It is learning about triangles in relationships which prevent intimacy and how to break them.  It is rewriting the legacy of myself to be healthier and break negative cycles.  We can never grow if we don't make changes and my belief is it takes a professional to guide us to make positive changes.  

I challenge you all to reach out to others.  
Always be kinder than you feel.

I'll close with my mantra on my burlap board which has served me well for 365 times 2.

I'm okay.
I am enough.
I am loved.
I will feel better.
This too shall pass.
I won't always feel this way.
One day at a time.
I will live in the now.
It's okay.
This moment, only.

  

Heal and Feel

I haven't written a lot lately which is never a good sign.  

I explored why this morning and I think it's mainly because I feel like I will come across as one big giant complaint and I truly try not to be negative Natalie.  The beauty of this is they make a DBSA support group and they are more than happy to listen to my everything.  In summary, I'm struggling with managing my mental illness combined with my physical illness -- both of which don't have blood tests to determine how well I am doing in each arena.  One day up, one day down and I feel that no one understands either plight.    

This led me to thinking about the overall stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness in America.  The first tweet I saw this morning was one of Glenn Close discussing mental illness.  Her video was so powerful.  

"one in four people will be touched by mental illness "and yet it's criminally underfunded and ignored."

Almost every week I hear something along the lines of, "she just doesn't understand", "my Mom thinks I'm just lazy and doesn't get why doing one task a day is all I can truly take on", "You have everything in the world to be happy about, why on earth are you sad?"  I read something an example in a blog that struck home for me and may help others in understanding depression.  "My blood sugar was low last night and then I filled myself with good thoughts and remembered all I am grateful for, and now I no longer have diabetes!"                  

When we all take on the same mantra as Glenn Close and her Bring Change 2 Mind campaign and start sharing things such as having depression is FACT, not feeling, perhaps then people will become more understanding and compassionate to mental illness.  I have often said, "you can't heal what you don't feel."  Owning and admitting my illness is one of the bravest things I have done in my life.    

I struggle to explain depression to people.  This is really hard for me but I'm going to give some examples of racing thoughts I used to think while laying in bed.  I do this simply for someone who may be living with a person with mental illness to hopefully understand your loved one more.  I also do this for someone undiagnosed to know you are not alone and there is hope and help.  It is working.  I have people reaching out to me weekly. 

My former racing thoughts....
Why do you think you would get invited to that party?  No one likes you and they can't relate to you anyway because you don't have kids like they do and you don't want them so they think you hate their kids.  Why are you wearing that outfit that makes you look bigger than you even are?  Why are you even attempting to tell a story when you can't remember half of it because we all know your memory sucks?  You are not smart at all with numbers and soon everyone will know that and you will lose your job.  Why would you get out of bed today when you have zero to be happy about?  Get out of bed so you can fake your way through the day like you always do.  No one has time for you so quit thinking they do.  She didn't reply to your text because you are not important to her.  She didn't show up for your get together because she doesn't want to be around you.  Just stop trying all of these different meds, they don't work and never will, this is who you are, a crazy person.    

I sit here with twofold tears.  Happy tears because I am standing vertical today and in recovery.  Sad tears because there are so many suffering in silence, undiagnosed and feeling hopeless.  My story is not unique.  There are close to 16 million people suffering with this debilitating illness.  I am unique in my recovery because I have chosen not to suffer in silence and I have an amazing Psychiatrist who found the perfect combo of drugs for me, an amazing therapist, an amazing supportive husband and amazing friends and family who have chose to stand by me even when isolation and sleep were my only escape.  

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. 

It is a month to consciously make an effort to try to walk in someone else's shoes.  

Just because someone is smiling doesn't mean he or she isn't battling depression.  

Just because someone weighs a healthy 120 doesn't mean he or she isn't battling an eating disorder.  

Just because someone acts confident doesn't mean he or she isn't taking medication to put their anxiety disorder at bay.  

Not all pain is physical and not all wounds are visible.  

We all know someone.  Join me in making an effort to be kinder, to be open to discussions about mental illness, to beat the stigma and embarrassment we all feel about coming forward to own our illnesses.  

     

Joy in my journey

A year ago on Friday, I was in severe pain.  
Today, I am celebrating my recovery.  

Below was what was waiting for me on the Keurig this morning.  

In celebrating "my now", below are a few things which stand out over the past 365 days.  It feels so great to help others brave the waters I have treaded.  

1.  Live in the now.  Now
2.  There is always hope.  Hope
3.  Talk therapy combined with medication is key.
4.  Ask for help.
5.  Be grateful.  Some people are praying for what I am blessed with. Gratitude
6.  My situation is not permanent, pervasive or personal. Attitude determines altitude
7.  You have to feel to heal.  Feel to heal
8.  Celebrate me!  It's a wonderful life 

9.  Sleep = quality of life.  Lights Out!

10.  Suicide is not selfish.  Robin Williams

11.  Support groups rock!  Support 

12.  Don't make assumptions.  Assume

13.  My husband loves me for me.  I understand. 

14.  Family check ins are paramount.  Check in 

15.  Be transparent.   

Thanks for being on my journey.  

Support, it's not just an undergarment

This weekend we discussed how long I have been mentally ill.  Maybe my whole life?  Maybe since high school?  Maybe since 2001?  All I do know is depression has been a part of me just like allergies have been and I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up sneezing.  

We are within a couple of weeks of my hospitalization anniversary.  This has caused me to reflect a lot over the past year.  Mainly, it has caused me to be grateful for my support system.  I sit in many of my support group meetings listening to people who have no one, no one to prod them to get help, no one to listen, no one to ask if they have had their meds, no one to tell them they care.  We all need people in our lives.  I have found that a support system consisting of old friends combined with new is so healthy for me.  It is so refreshing to receive an email or a text from someone who has walked in my shoes, been hospitalized and who "gets it".  It's like having our own secret code.  At the same time, there is nothing better than an old friend reaching out and still loving me for who I am today.  We are all broken in some way and in need of people to help repair our cracks.  

JT will turn as red as his hair when reading this....but I've been saving all of my "support system" messages since last year to help me through a rainy day.  I say it often and I'll say it again, reach out.  You make a difference to people in ways you will never know.  

Thank you all for being a force of support in my journey.      


I love you so much.  You are so strong...you continue to amaze me.

That was sweet.  You do make a positive difference in many lives Nat...most especially mine.  You just may not realize it (or perhaps I do not tell you enough).  :)

I hope this was therapeutic for you.  It’s a good thing to reassess…but know that I love you for who you are…right now.  And for who I know you want to be…and all things in between.  You are such a good soul…a light in my life…and my love.

Well said.  We must stumble through some of the past…if only not to repeat it.  But we will not get mired there.

I’m so happy and lucky to have you in my life.  I love you so much.

I love you so much.  You are so very brave…I wonder if you know that.  You make me so proud so often…and I have a tear in my eye right now.

Nice blog today.  Love that pic of your parents by the fire.

HOPE

I've blogged before about Robin Williams.  I've wanted to blog about a person I went to high school with.  Today I am blogging about a local Methodist Minister.  A celebrity, a GHS alum and a Minister all having one thing in common -- suicide by depression.  Folks, it does not discriminate.  

There are still days I don't want to face the world, return an email, a call, a text, go to an appointment, get out of bed.  However, there are so many more days now that I truly cherish and am so overwhelmed with happiness that it feels like I can beat this depression.  That happiness comes from my husband and from friends and the laughter we share with one another, it comes from family members and their unconditional love for me.  It comes from having a relationship with God and relying on devotions and scripture to lift me.  I love when friends and family are able to penetrate the barrier of insecurities that depression creates, allowing me to feel love again.  Those are the days that make life worth living and that keep me fighting.  

I fight the battle in my own brain daily.  Some days I feel like I am winning and some I feel like the disease wants me to lose.  Especially when I see others lose their own battles.  When someone takes their life, it is tragic in so many realms.  On a personal level for me, it is terrifying!  Because if someone like that - someone spiritual, talented, beloved, seemingly with everything to live for - if someone like that loses their fight, do people like me have hope?  The answer is yes.  Hope is letting every one who is struggling know they are not alone.  Hope is knowing there is help to be had.  Hope is understanding.  Hope is compassion.  Hope is happiness.  There is hope.  I am hope.  

Tomorrow night, I will go to show others there is hope.  I will go to my support group meeting to lift others who are hurting at the recent loss of their dear friend, father, husband, mentor and minister to this dreadful disease.  As hard as it is to walk through that door sometimes, others have done it for me when I have needed lifting week after week.  In closing, time and again I am reminded how important it is to share my story.  I received this message after going to my hometown to a visitation at the funeral home.  The old adage always rings true, be kind people, for you never know the battle people are fighting within.  Show up, be present for people.  You may be all the difference they need that very day.           

It was so good to see you tonight! I want you to know how very brave I think you are sharing your story with others!

Jan 5

I have a friend that suffers from depression I share your blogs with her.

We laugh & cry together & most importantly she knows she is not alone. Thank you for that!

Depression is a bastard

It's been a while... I have immersed myself into my job, successfully spent a week in NYC for market and am beyond thrilled for my favorite season of the year to arrive.  College football is up and running at Bethany Bend on the back porch!  Therapy, support groups, football, Nashville and Scandal are all on the docket for the next few weeks.  

I have struggled to explain depression to people.  A rather long article was in the Huffington Post not too long ago and it touched me beyond belief.  Such an accurate description.  I wanted to share a few parts which I found to be profound.  Happy first week of Fall to all!  

The media portrays depression as sadness. It doesn't portray the screaming and self-harm and trips to the hospital at 3 a.m. It doesn't portray the entire truth. It's hard to watch the people you love the most sit at the bottom of a very large dark hole and remain helpless and on the edge looking down with no safety rope to pull them out.

Depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, eating disorders -- if you look around right now I bet half of the people surrounding you are fighting one of these silent battles. They are soldiers, and like anyone fighting a disease they deserve compassion and recognition. People with mental illness are sick and engaged in a battle every day with life.

Depression is a bastard. It crawls inside of you and debilitates every dream and aspiration you've ever had. It incapacitates your basic function and controls every aspect of who you are. You can't hide from it when you want to, and you can't explain it to anyone else. It's not even just sadness, it's physical pain and passiveness. The world around you keeps moving and you are there, remaining still and lethargic. That's the thing about depression -- it's silent, and it doesn't care if you are black or white, male or female, rich or poor. You can be standing on a train next to someone reading a book and that person could be screaming inside, clinging on to their last hope of life. 

Something needs to change. Something has to change. It's hard to live in a society that has sadness for cancer and shame for suicide.

Alaina Baker - Huffington Post

Support

Sparing the personal details, it was a tiring day in our family Tuesday.  After a long work day, the last thing we wanted to do was drive through 400 traffic to an hour and a half support group in Dunwoody.  I've often thought that some of my favorite times in life are when I didn't want to do something but end up having fun when I least expect to.  While I wouldn't call a support group necessarily "fun", it was a powerful group and night.  

I'll share at random a few things I learned.  I'm sharing these things to encourage anyone who may be reading this who is in fear of going to a support group alone to hopefully push you in the direction of attending.  Whether it be AA, NA, Al-anon, divorce, grief, weight loss, etc., there is power in numbers of people who share your illness.  You are not alone.  


1.  It is empowering to help others with my experience.

2.  It is okay to ask for help.  

3.  I can cry and break down and not feel judged.  

4.  Reward system -  I showered today -- gold star!  I made a to do list - gold star!  Rewarding ourselves for the little things and big things in life.   

5.  Meds, Food, Spirituality, Sleep, Exercise - 5 important items to focus on.  

6.  Mood disorder caregivers need an outlet too.  

7.  Hedonic treadmill - yes, the term exists.  Google it.  

8.  Support from others is vital to wellness.  

9.  It is courageous to walk into a room of strangers.  

10.  DBSA is a nonjudgmental, supportive atmosphere which I am grateful my husband found.   Links are below for DBSA and for the Atlanta & Johns Creek chapters.  

Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance

Atlanta DBSA

DBSA Johns Creek

  

Casserole disease

I'm not sure how many of you have ever attended a support group. Support groups come in all shapes and sizes and cover many parameters such as divorce, alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, overeating, gamblers anonymous and the list goes on. The sole purpose in my opinion is to be around others experiencing your same battle.  

I sat in my support group this week and had a homeless woman on my right and an attorney on JT's left.  It spoke to me in so many ways as we drove home that night.  There are no race or socioeconomic boundaries on who has a mental illness, on who is an alcoholic, on who overeats, etc.  We are all created as one in God's eyes.  It is easy to lose sight of that though as we battle through daily life.  

What does one say to a person diagnosed with a mental illness?  Let's face it, it is not a "casserole disease".  People aren't running to your door dropping off food.  It's uncomfortable.  Heck, I find it uncomfortable when someone has a death in the family or is diagnosed with cancer.  There's one thing I have learned as I've grown older, it's better to risk saying the wrong thing than doing nothing at all.  A simple, "I love you" is worth a mountain of gold.    

My devotion this morning brought my entry full circle and included one of my favorite verses.  

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble."  Philippians 4:13-14

Yes, it is kind to share in each other's trouble.  I love each and every one of you who are sharing in mine as I heal and....

I love you.    

6.24.14 & 6.25.14 The attire

It's a double entry today!  Between work, our dinner date and a 2 hour support group, time got away yesterday.  

57 days.

57 days to get a wedding dress, suit, engagement party outfit, rings, shoes, earrings, hair, makeup.  Might be a good thing I wasn't of sound mind during this time after all!  

Q.  What does a 41 year old not size 4 bride wear?

A.  Heck if I know.  That's what friends like SC are for.  

Q.  What stores have pull me off the rack and wear me wedding dresses?

A.   Not very many

Q.   What did I end up with?

A.   A size 22 dress which had to be completely remade.

Q.   Who remade my dress?

A.   The amazing Wanda who does Alltogether's alterations and made secretive trips to my house.    

Q.   What shoes does a " I have awful feet and need to walk in grass" bride wear? 

A.   Nude heels scored at Famous Footwear for $11 with a coupon.  My earrings from Nordstrom cost more than my shoes.   

Q.   What does a girl with short hair who also mistakenly let someone who just graduated from cosmo school cut her hair do with it for the big day?

A.   Practice with 2 different people.  I ended up opting to go to Atlanta the day of and have my hair done which was a great solution.  Who knew fake hair could be so expensive?  Such a hard hair decision with hot humid weather and trying to not be too made up pre wedding.  

Q.   Why is there a picture below of a suit with several ties?

A.   Because women all have a different opinion and JT's was different than all of ours.  I am the proud owner of a box of pastel ties in various blues, greens and pinks which were never returned if anyone is in need. 

             

Truly we love how it all played out with our "engagement party" outfits and opting to change into wedding attire.  I'm teary and smiling as I type this.  That says it all.

Sidebar.  I leave support group every week feeling a little more grateful than the last time.  I challenge us all to thank God for blessings we take for granted.  I can't go into detail about specifics I hear weekly but just know this....I am grateful for health insurance, medication, a job, a husband who loves me unconditionally, parents who understand, a will to get well.  

Food for thought.   

  

Friday Trifecta

Happy Friday!  

Anyone who is involved in my life recently knows I attend both therapy weekly along with 2 different support groups.  I've been doing a lot of analyzing this week and 3 points came to light I wanted to share in hopes this will help you or someone you know.  

1.  It didn't happen overnight. 
     Oh the struggle of getting out of bed, concentrating on work, self-critical thoughts, shame, guilt.  All of these are things I have struggled with daily for a long time.  Small steps today for me = big steps.  "I am here."  That is big.  Reminding myself of the positives is positive.  Healing takes time.        

2.  Keeping a lid on it.
     I read such a great quote in my research.  "Remember that others, even the ones who love you the most, aren't psychic and may still be operating on old information."  I'm fortunate to have people in my life who ask me what I need and how they can help while I'm working on my recovery.  Your Doctor and Therapist are only as good as the information you tell them.  Be open.   

3.  Lifetime illness.
     In group this week a lady frustratingly stated, "I'm tired of this!  I don't want it anymore."  Well, join the crowd.  I'm sure many don't want cancer, diabetes and other illnesses.  Be self-aware.  Don't miss medications, therapy sessions or Doctor appointments just because you feel better.  Cancer patients don't miss chemo treatments.  I read several medical documents stating that research shows if you stick to your treatment plan, you can become symptom-free.  Respect the seriousness of your illness.  

  

I am here

I struggled a bit this week because I read some old journals to my therapist.  I think it was the first time I felt the magnitude and gravity of the word suicide.  I've been calling it the "s" word in my mind.  I read about others suicides or attempts and think to myself, "Oh gosh that is terrible -- how much pain she must have been in to do that."   Helllooo?!?!  I was her.  I'm that person when I look in the mirror.  Like I said in a previous blog, we have to feel to heal.  I don't believe we can fully recover until we acknowledge things.  Hiding an addiction, an illness, problems are simply not healthy for anyone involved.  The below image jumped out at me on Pinterest.  Today I'm giving myself a pat on the back for working hard in recovery.  I'm exhausted but I feel accomplished.      

At our support group this week, a lady said, "Y'all may have just saved my life tonight."  

Someone replied to her, "You are here."

I am here.   

Overwhelmed

For two homebodies, we packed in a lot of stuff in the Memorial Day weekend including a neighborhood pool party, a trip to Griffin, a family pool party, a visit with my parents, Church, dinner and a store visit with my Chinese vendor, dinner at our neighbors and some household chores.  It makes me tired just typing the list.  All in all, a pretty successful and fun long weekend.  In the interest of honest and full promised blogging disclosure, I did have a hiccup along the way.  That dang word overwhelm crept up again.  According to Merriam Webster, here is the definition.    

over·whelm

 verb \ˌō-vər-ˈhwelm, -ˈwelm\

: to affect (someone) very strongly

: to cause (someone) to have too many things to deal with

: to defeat (someone or something) completely   

Saturday and Sunday I had things that I let overwhelm me.  I cried.  I let it defeat me for a little while, but not for long.  Why?  Because I checked in.  If there is one single thing I hope people get out of this post and my blog, it is the importance of communication and getting things off your chest.  The check in process in our house has helped us instrumentally.  Months ago, I would have kept it in and let it manifest into other problems had I not had an open, honest forum with JT to discuss the 2 issues.       

One of the hardest things to do is give into the fact we cannot control what others say, we can only control our reaction to what they say.  We are all guilty of talking before we think -- some more than others. (#justsayin)  

I don't think I realized the extent of my anxiousness of being around people I haven't seen in a long time.  I didn't realize it because I have been so open and forthright in my blog about my illness, my suicide attempt (yes, I said that, so so hard to type and say) and my recovery.  I think part of the anxiousness is how much I've learned about how others truly don't understand depression and mental illness as a whole.  It's self induced anxiety on my part.  Truly, it is.   

Check in.  Today I am feeling loved, loving the weather, curious as to what the support group will have in store for tonight and happy it is a 4 day work week.  How are you?  Check in!  


  

Gratitude & Perspective

What defines you? 
If someone asks you that question, what would you say? 
A mother? A sister? A daughter? A friend? A teacher? A runner? 

Yesterday in therapy, I made the statement that I was concerned about being defined by depression.  "Don't let that happen.  You are so much more than that Natalie."  Yes, I am.  We are all so much more than our mental health diagnosis, our jobs, our daily roles.  I am a child of God and a wife who happens to suffer from depression.  It's all about how I choose to prioritize who I am.  Don't let others decide who you are.  Decide for yourself! 

Right now I am in the depths of recovery so it's hard not to let depression define me or my marriage.  However, I am aware.  Awareness is key.  I am aware that one day I won't be focused on therapy, support groups, research, blogs.  I am also aware that experiencing pain makes me appreciate joy even more.  I have a friend I text with every morning and we both say, Good morning, today I am grateful for.......  It holds me accountable.  It makes me start each day with a positive.  I'm here to tell you there are some mornings I want to grumble and send a complaint.  But, I don't.  Gratitude.  

I made the statement Saturday to my parents and JT, "I wouldn't trade what I've been through for anything.  I feel amazing and so much better than I ever knew I could."  They all 3 looked at me like I was an alien.   Mercy!  They would trade all of the worry, guilt and sleepless nights I'm sure.  Perspective. 

I am not my depression.

xo...n