HOPE

I've blogged before about Robin Williams.  I've wanted to blog about a person I went to high school with.  Today I am blogging about a local Methodist Minister.  A celebrity, a GHS alum and a Minister all having one thing in common -- suicide by depression.  Folks, it does not discriminate.  

There are still days I don't want to face the world, return an email, a call, a text, go to an appointment, get out of bed.  However, there are so many more days now that I truly cherish and am so overwhelmed with happiness that it feels like I can beat this depression.  That happiness comes from my husband and from friends and the laughter we share with one another, it comes from family members and their unconditional love for me.  It comes from having a relationship with God and relying on devotions and scripture to lift me.  I love when friends and family are able to penetrate the barrier of insecurities that depression creates, allowing me to feel love again.  Those are the days that make life worth living and that keep me fighting.  

I fight the battle in my own brain daily.  Some days I feel like I am winning and some I feel like the disease wants me to lose.  Especially when I see others lose their own battles.  When someone takes their life, it is tragic in so many realms.  On a personal level for me, it is terrifying!  Because if someone like that - someone spiritual, talented, beloved, seemingly with everything to live for - if someone like that loses their fight, do people like me have hope?  The answer is yes.  Hope is letting every one who is struggling know they are not alone.  Hope is knowing there is help to be had.  Hope is understanding.  Hope is compassion.  Hope is happiness.  There is hope.  I am hope.  

Tomorrow night, I will go to show others there is hope.  I will go to my support group meeting to lift others who are hurting at the recent loss of their dear friend, father, husband, mentor and minister to this dreadful disease.  As hard as it is to walk through that door sometimes, others have done it for me when I have needed lifting week after week.  In closing, time and again I am reminded how important it is to share my story.  I received this message after going to my hometown to a visitation at the funeral home.  The old adage always rings true, be kind people, for you never know the battle people are fighting within.  Show up, be present for people.  You may be all the difference they need that very day.           

It was so good to see you tonight! I want you to know how very brave I think you are sharing your story with others!

Jan 5

I have a friend that suffers from depression I share your blogs with her.

We laugh & cry together & most importantly she knows she is not alone. Thank you for that!

Every 13.3 minutes, there is another Robin Williams

September was Suicide Prevention Month.  The beginning of October pushed me to feel compelled to share another part of my story.  The battle continues for us all.  Every 13.3 minutes, there is another Robin Williams.  We must not judge from the outside when we know nothing about the inside.  We must all continue to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness and help others feel they can not only ask for help but also receive adequate help. 

  

A day in March....

I remember logging into my Psychiatrist’s practice website to check my appointment status and staring frozen at the words “condition” and “began”. 

How did I get here?  How did my condition become clinical/major depression?  How did I receive a beginning date of 11/1/2001 when I don’t even remember how this even all began?  In a warped way, it was the beginning of solace.  The beginning of understanding all of the sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the hiding of my sadness, guilt, self loathing, forgetfulness, weight gain and low energy.  Many of my friends and family still struggle with the words, “how could I not have known?”  Honestly, after months of examining myself, I don’t know that I saw the freight train coming either. 

Although I chose to personally disclose my mental illness, I still see myself concerned about others perceptions about me, which in turn, has created anxiety.  This is something I have never struggled with before.  My recovery has had peaks and valleys and honestly has been uncomfortable at times.  Self-examination isn’t fun.  I am at times at war with myself.  Personal disclosure was important for me but at the same time, it still causes frustration in the overall explanation of mental illness and depression.  How can I explain to others what I don’t even understand at times?

I remember saying to my Doctor, “I have no reason to be unhappy.  I love my husband.  He loves me.  I’m a newlywed.  We have a new house.  My parents love me.  I have wonderful friends.  I have a job I truly love.  I am so blessed.”  As I was saying all of those things, there weren’t enough tissues in his office to wipe my tears. 

Are you me? 

Do you have a friend that you think is me? 

Please ask for help.  It’s okay to count your blessings if you are me, but it’s also okay not to hide your sadness.  There is help available.  There is recovery.  There is hope.  I am hope.    

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.