Support, it's not just an undergarment

This weekend we discussed how long I have been mentally ill.  Maybe my whole life?  Maybe since high school?  Maybe since 2001?  All I do know is depression has been a part of me just like allergies have been and I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up sneezing.  

We are within a couple of weeks of my hospitalization anniversary.  This has caused me to reflect a lot over the past year.  Mainly, it has caused me to be grateful for my support system.  I sit in many of my support group meetings listening to people who have no one, no one to prod them to get help, no one to listen, no one to ask if they have had their meds, no one to tell them they care.  We all need people in our lives.  I have found that a support system consisting of old friends combined with new is so healthy for me.  It is so refreshing to receive an email or a text from someone who has walked in my shoes, been hospitalized and who "gets it".  It's like having our own secret code.  At the same time, there is nothing better than an old friend reaching out and still loving me for who I am today.  We are all broken in some way and in need of people to help repair our cracks.  

JT will turn as red as his hair when reading this....but I've been saving all of my "support system" messages since last year to help me through a rainy day.  I say it often and I'll say it again, reach out.  You make a difference to people in ways you will never know.  

Thank you all for being a force of support in my journey.      


I love you so much.  You are so strong...you continue to amaze me.

That was sweet.  You do make a positive difference in many lives Nat...most especially mine.  You just may not realize it (or perhaps I do not tell you enough).  :)

I hope this was therapeutic for you.  It’s a good thing to reassess…but know that I love you for who you are…right now.  And for who I know you want to be…and all things in between.  You are such a good soul…a light in my life…and my love.

Well said.  We must stumble through some of the past…if only not to repeat it.  But we will not get mired there.

I’m so happy and lucky to have you in my life.  I love you so much.

I love you so much.  You are so very brave…I wonder if you know that.  You make me so proud so often…and I have a tear in my eye right now.

Nice blog today.  Love that pic of your parents by the fire.

HOPE

I've blogged before about Robin Williams.  I've wanted to blog about a person I went to high school with.  Today I am blogging about a local Methodist Minister.  A celebrity, a GHS alum and a Minister all having one thing in common -- suicide by depression.  Folks, it does not discriminate.  

There are still days I don't want to face the world, return an email, a call, a text, go to an appointment, get out of bed.  However, there are so many more days now that I truly cherish and am so overwhelmed with happiness that it feels like I can beat this depression.  That happiness comes from my husband and from friends and the laughter we share with one another, it comes from family members and their unconditional love for me.  It comes from having a relationship with God and relying on devotions and scripture to lift me.  I love when friends and family are able to penetrate the barrier of insecurities that depression creates, allowing me to feel love again.  Those are the days that make life worth living and that keep me fighting.  

I fight the battle in my own brain daily.  Some days I feel like I am winning and some I feel like the disease wants me to lose.  Especially when I see others lose their own battles.  When someone takes their life, it is tragic in so many realms.  On a personal level for me, it is terrifying!  Because if someone like that - someone spiritual, talented, beloved, seemingly with everything to live for - if someone like that loses their fight, do people like me have hope?  The answer is yes.  Hope is letting every one who is struggling know they are not alone.  Hope is knowing there is help to be had.  Hope is understanding.  Hope is compassion.  Hope is happiness.  There is hope.  I am hope.  

Tomorrow night, I will go to show others there is hope.  I will go to my support group meeting to lift others who are hurting at the recent loss of their dear friend, father, husband, mentor and minister to this dreadful disease.  As hard as it is to walk through that door sometimes, others have done it for me when I have needed lifting week after week.  In closing, time and again I am reminded how important it is to share my story.  I received this message after going to my hometown to a visitation at the funeral home.  The old adage always rings true, be kind people, for you never know the battle people are fighting within.  Show up, be present for people.  You may be all the difference they need that very day.           

It was so good to see you tonight! I want you to know how very brave I think you are sharing your story with others!

Jan 5

I have a friend that suffers from depression I share your blogs with her.

We laugh & cry together & most importantly she knows she is not alone. Thank you for that!

Turkey Tears

I've always felt I could give advice but never take my own.  Some folks have zero problem loving themselves enough to post a selfie or 2 or 10.  I'm working on loving myself and with that comes patting myself on the back for achievements.  They can be baby feats or really big ones like hosting Thanksgiving back to back for both of our families on Thursday and Friday.  I cried several times over the weekend.  The troublesome thing for me about my tears flowing was I really didn't know why, no major "trigger" happened.  I cried snapping beans, I cried mixing mac and cheese, I cried pouring sugar for tea and I cried in JT's arms.  I've come to accept that crying can be cleansing and good for us and it's like pushing a reset button to bounce back.  

In the interim, I texted with a friend who said exactly what I needed to hear which leads me to my next topic ... powerful connections.  It's really hard for me to keep up with relationships while I try to heal and recover.  There are a handful of people who understand.  One of the most powerful concepts to me is the feeling of someone being there even if not in person.  Yesterday, I received a text from a friend who asked for a prayer.  I panicked.  I took a deep breath and opened my "Everything is going to be OK" book and flipped through the pages.  I found a prayer I had written down from a book in a dark moment and then expanded it to what I was feeling for my friend.       

Dear God, 

Sometimes the cares of the day seem to multiply, while the blessings fade so quickly.  Our bodies grow tired, and our minds even more tired.  Give ____ the strength you've promised in your Word.  Give ____ the power to take the next step.  Give ____ your grace for we know that in our weaknesses your strength is revealed.  May ____ receive it today.  Help us remember that nothing is going to happen to ____ today that you and _____ can't handle together.  Amen.

Today, I shared this prayer with Olivia, my therapist.  I looked up and tears streamed down her face and mine.  It was then that I realized that being there for each other even if only in spirit, is what it's really all about just like God is always ever present for us.  May we all feel God's love this holiday season.      

Maybe one day I'll take a selfie but rest assured it will stay on my camera roll only.  #ihateselfies 
Meanwhile, enjoy our not so photogenic but loving family photos.