One might call the week
of March 3rd the perfect storm for me. The combination of a significant increase in my anti depressant drug "e" caused every side effect imaginable such as dry mouth, day and night
sweats, racing thoughts, insomnia and many more. This combined with a West coast trip time
difference, the act of smiling when sad and a rough bed to sleep in made for a
week of hell. A visit to my therapist on
Friday surely would have helped I thought. Surely
it would have given me the perfect mental fortitude to jump back on a plane
Sunday to head back to Santa Monica for another meeting. Surely turned quickly into surely not hours
later. I would love to detail my exact
feelings that afternoon in hopes that I could help another. The truth is, I don’t know who I was that day
sitting in my bed. The Natalie that I
know would never not want to be here to love her husband,
family, friends, kitties, hydrangeas, sunshine, diet cokes, crushed ice,
chocolate and many other loves.
The topic of suicide is controversial at best. I have no interest in debating anyone on the topic. I can only offer my feelings and what I felt
Friday, March 7th. Those
cannot be debated. This is a VERY BIG STEP for me in recovery --journaling and stating publicly what occurred. Bear with me....
A finger snapped, my
heart rate and pulse were out of control and the harsh reality of the pills I
ingested became clear. Sheer panic swept over me and all I remember is the strong knowledge prodding me to
get to the phone to call JT. God had a better plan in mind. His plan was to send JT home early that
day. As I turned the corner to grab the
phone, I was met by a garage door closing and JT. I cried in agony for
help and for him to take me to the hospital. The next 24 hours would be ones of grief, fear, reality, tears and love. The sentence, “Suicide is a selfish act” is not one that I can agree
with. I cannot agree because I myself
was not in any frame of mind to know what I did, the consequences, etc. While I’m sure many do take their lives to
complete an, “ok, I’ll show them” mission, I am not that person. Some pain is simply too much
to bear and some illnesses are too far along to comprehend the action. For me, it was an overwhelming feeling of sadness, exhaustion, racing thoughts, no self worth. It is an indescribable feeling of
desperation no one can understand until you have been there.
Friends and family are
not equipped to help with this kind of help.
Not one person could have known I was in this state. Sure, I dropped hints. I told a friend at lunch in Griffin that I went to the Doctor and cried because my Drug "e" wasn’t working like it should. I secretly was begging her to reach out to me, she didn't, but she also had no way of
knowing my level of desperation. I told my husband I
was having a rough time sleeping and was sad and promised I would go to a therapist, get help
and all would be fine. He had zero way
of knowing the depths of my pain. I was
a master at hiding it. I lamented daily
via text with another two friends who offered prayer, devotions, positive
quotes, affirmations and any other sweet gesture one would think would
help. They were band aids for me. These two had no way of knowing that. I don’t know that even I knew that at the
time.
March 7th was a day, an
event in my life meant to ensure spiritual growth, a new church home, marital
growth, mental fortitude, new friendships, the confirmation of old friendships,
the dissolving of unhealthy friendships, new healthy habits, new hobbies and
meeting strangers. God doesn’t waste a
hurt, does he Dusty Takle? Rick Warren of Saddleback Church stated after his son's suicide due to mental illness, "One of the things I believe is that God never wastes a hurt and that oftentimes your greatest ministry comes out of your deepest pain." Amen!
This post has been overwhelming but in a good way. I haven't been able to use the word overwhelming in a positive fashion in a long, long time. I haven't been able to do a lot of things in a long time. Follow along to see that evolve.
Get excited! More tomorrow on cherry charcoal and the ER.....
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