Our world is broken

Our world is broken.  We have kids with PTSD from stepping over the blood of their precious classmates in school hallways, we have the leader of our country name calling on social media - setting examples for our youth which say, it's okay to pitch a fit if you don't get your way.  We have families sitting at the dinner table staring at cell phones instead of interacting with one another.  We have a suicide rate which is climbing year after year.  Every 12 minutes that ticks by, another life is gone.  45,000 people in 2016 experienced the mental anguish of seeing no way out of their torment.   A 1-800 number is not going to solve this problem.  It is bigger than a hot line.  We as human beings have to communicate with one another.  We have to know it is okay not to be okay.        

Recently, a handful of people asked me one word which completely threw me for a loop.  The word was "why"?  Why did he take his own life?  What was the catalyst?  I wanted to scream!  In fairness, I've only been on that side of the fence, the suicidal side.  I haven't been the devastated friend or family member asking why.  What I will say if you ask me why I overdosed, why I took pills, why I became a survivor of suicide, I do not have a clear concrete answer for you.  I did not have a particular "trigger" which caused me to pick a random Friday afternoon in March 2014 to want to end it all.  You see, that is what depression and mental illness is all about -- a tortured mind not thinking rationally.  Depression is many things to me.  Depression is a disconnect from reality, it is keeping things bottled up with a tight lid, it is not texting a friend back, it is the fear and assumption something bad is going to happen, it is crying for no reason, it is laying in bed craving sleep for an escape only to be kept awake by racing thoughts.  

I understand hopelessness.  
I understand darkness.
I understand despair.

But more than these 3 things, I also understand life, love and joy.  I am committed to recovery.  

My biggest hope, wish and prayer is for our society to try to understand mental illness.  Keep the conversation going.  With each sad story in the news, I am seeing somewhat of a #metoo movement if you will.  On twitter, there were so many courageous people coming forward talking about their depression and struggles after the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.  I felt so proud to be able to reply to people giving them resources which help me continue my journey of recovery and life.

For those of you who have lost a family member or friend to suicide, it is never one person's fault.  Not yours, not someone else's and not the suicide victim's.  Instead, the fault belongs to the natural forces that create the potential for suicide, which many times include mental illness.  The forces of suicide cause irrational thoughts.  They rob the person of the ability to see any possibility for change.  They connive and plot to make the person believe that suicide is the only way to end their pain.  Usually it is not just one issue, but instead a multitude of problems, that lead to suicide.  There are no simple explanations.  Be compassionate to yourself in your grief.  The below link is an article more eloquent than I could ever write.   All friends and family should read this who lost someone to suicide.  It is raw, real and compassionate. 



https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-open-letter-to-children-who-lose-a-parent-to-suicide/

Finally, I want to share these tweets which I feel explain so much. 

@caissie So many messages telling those who are struggling to reach out.  Fair enough, but part of what depression does is mutes your ability to reach.  If you are NOT depressed and you see someone struggling, YOU reach out.  If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out.  

It can be kind of scary to a regular person who thinks they don't know what to do.  It is certainly awkward as hell.  Who cares, thought?  Ask, "Are you ok?" Say, "I am worried about you." Ask, "Can I get in tough with someone for you?"  Even here on twitter.  Don't mind your business.  

DON'T TWEET, DO SOMETHING!

I am saddened by the events of this week in Florida.  I'm even sadder to learn there were so many other school shootings since January and I wasn't even aware of them all.  Are we becoming immune to our children being shot in what is supposed to be a safe zone for them to learn?  Are we really there as a nation?  Is this our new normal?     

I am also saddened that I am a part of a group of people who are being blamed for this gun violence against children.  I have a mental illness.  My heart hurts and my body recoils every time I read or listen to a blanket group of people, the mentally ill, being blamed.  

In the wake of a deadly school shooting in Florida, President Donald Trump called the confessed gunman "mentally disturbed" in a tweet and vowed his administration would "tackle the difficult issue of mental health."

Finally, a DJT tweet I can relate to.  I welcome this from our current Administration.  Our family is involved with NAMI (Natl. Alliance of Mental Illness) and my husband facilitates a monthly group locally and has been through extensive mental heath training.  He sees and hears first hand how broken our system is and how hard it is to receive the appropriate mental health care.  

Paul Gionfriddo, president and CEO of Mental Health America, said the country needs to rethink its approach to mental health entirely. Suicide rates keep rising as the mortality rates of other major killers like cancer dips because the nation invested in early, preventative care to catch symptoms early, he said.

"We never did that with mental illness. Here, we wait, and we wait, and we wait until we have crises," Gionfriddo said. "The lesson of yesterday is not what we’re going to do about the shooter, it’s what we’re going to do about all the victims of the shooting: Three thousand people in that school — they’ve all experienced a profound trauma, and yet we have no level one trauma centers for mental health in this country. We have no plan."     

We all want to blame somebody for this brokenness.  I am inspired to see and hear discussions by our children on TV this week.  It is indeed a combination of both sad and wonderful when our children make more sense on the national stage than our own elected leaders.  

In summary, I do not claim to have the answers or a solution to fix these tragedies.  However, I do know whatever we are currently doing is NOT working.  I don't care what side of the aisle you are on, the answer for you as a legislator is clear - You must do SOMETHING!  

https://www.nami.org/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2017/NAMI-Statement-on-the-Parkland-School-Shooting

The "Januaries"

This month is cold, dark, post UGA loss and holidays.  An old friend of mine coined the term "the Januaries" and it sums up the feelings I have pretty well.  The last two mornings of college football news cycles have gutted me.  Two suicides.  Two 21-22 young men.  Two families, universities and friends struggling to find out why. 


Washington State quarterback Tyler Hilinski found dead from an apparent suicidePULLMAN, Wash. (AP) — Washington State quarterback Tyler Hilinski has died from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Grandson of K-State coach Bill Snyder, son of Sean Snyder dies at 22

WHY?  This word is what compelled me to finally blog again.  I fear these poor families may never find the answer they are so desperately searching for.  When experiencing severe depression, your entire world is distressed and there is no door to escape.  This makes suicide almost seductive, because it seemingly offers an available escape option.  Unless you have experienced these feelings of despair, it is impossible to comprehend why.  How do I know this?  I know this because on March 7, 2014, I was that girl needing an escape.  Fortunately, my story includes an amazing Psychiatrist, therapist, husband, friends and medicines, which have all been good to me.  

Did you know that in a recent study, 1 in 5 Americans suffer a mental illness each year?  This isn't referring to a sadness you feel from a break up, this is referring to the thought of feeling like lifting an elephant may seem easier than getting out of bed.  I long for the day when discussing Zoloft and Prozac to treat your brain are no different than discussing Amoxicillin to treat an infection.  I long for the day depression shows up on an MRI or an X-ray.  I long for the day mental illness isn't surrounded by stigma in America.  

If you went to the grocery store today, you were surrounded by someone in mental pain.  Be kind.  Smile.  

If you got together with a group of friends last night, it is likely that one of them was suffering mentally in some form.  Be kind.  Listen.  Take the time.  

If you are feeling sad, lonely, depressed, dark, grey - seek help.  It won't be a quick fix; however, I promise it will be worth all you have to do to feel normal again.  I used the word normal intentionally becomes when it comes to mental health, it should be normal to discuss.  A list of help outlets are below:

text HOME to 741741 to text with a crisis counselor.  
Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255

In closing, I read this in an article and found it so meaningful. 

"HELP."  Four letters, one syllable.  It's the most profound prayer of all.