Turner's Law

Sometimes I wish we could all go around daily with signs around our neck.
"Broken heart," "Diagnosed with cancer," "Suffering with addiction," "Feeling alone," "Overwhelmed," "I am handicapped," "Experiencing a mental illness episode," "We have 3 sick parents."  

I haven't wanted to write in 3 months.  If I'm truthful, the root of it is because I never want to wear the "I am a victim" sign around my neck.  I feel like a victim today.  I want to walk outside and scream, "What else, God?!"  What else are you going to throw our way?  Our plate is full.  The days melt into weeks and into months with 3 parents hospitalized, working, traveling, finances, mental illness.    

I am sad.  I am mad.  I am tired.  

To the off duty flight attendant who wiped my tears yesterday on Delta, thank you.  

To the 7th grade friend who told me just to be still, listen and open my heart and receive the comfort and knowledge that God is in control, thank you.  

To the friend who reminded me to be thankful for a God who gives us a new day.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Thank you.  

And to the man I am blessed to share life with - the good, the bad and the ugly, thank you.  Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.  You are not alone either.  We got this!    

I am searching for my mustard seed and keeping the faith of hope and love.  

I could write for days.....

Never did you leave Ralph Gatlin's company without feeling ministered to, better about yourself, better about life and better about the state of the world in general.  I could write for days.  Below is a list of 21 things he was to me for the 21 years he was physically in my life along with 3 poems he wrote I will forever cherish.    

1. he is a man who loved Joy, Kim and me as if we were his own
2. he is rhyme after rhyme typed in precise fashion
3. he is a Wham! song on a warm summer day
4. he is a going around curves on a long mountain road
5. he is the man you call at all hours of the night and who will come no matter what
6. he is a man with a poem to be quipped at any occasion
7. he is stern yet fair
8. he is a sun tan on a sandy beach in Florida
9. he is "girls, quiet down!"
10. he is a loaner of money never asking for anything in return
11. he is the finest Christian man I know
12. he is benevolent to all
13. he is a pillar of his family
14. he is strength in silence, perspective in words
15. he is a man with no regrets
16. he is "boy, that Kim is really loud"  
17. he is "Priss" in a stern voice, with a gigantic hug of love to follow
18. he is a lifelong friend to my parents 
19. he is a video camera taping crazy girls dance to Whitney Houston
20. he is the serenity and spirituality of the mountains and the beach all wrapped in one
21. he is with the man he served his entire life

As he said to us girls so many times, I say to him today, "you done good."

I love you so Mr. Gatlin.  Nat
  

My to do list changed

I'm a suicide survivor.
My to do list used to consist of a few random mundane daily tasks

• feed the kitties
• check emails

My daily to do list revised quickly 2 years ago.

• save my life

It's easy to get lost in the sea of emails, phone calls, texts.  As a survivor, there is always that lingering word of recovery.  Recovery means a new way of life, less friends, less drinking, weekly appointments, daily pills, side effects, weight gain, new boundaries and a hypersensitivity to mental illness stigma. 

Conversely, it also means hope, faith, grace, love, patience, kindness, clarity, strength, understanding and serenity.  

I write this today as a reality check for us all. 
We live in our own bubble.  
It is Tuesday.  Only day 2 of the week yet already I have had a friend admitted into Peachford and a text telling me of a suicide of a husband and father.  

People, it's complicated yet at the same time so simple.
A brain can get sick.  
You may have the flu, I have mental illness.  We both are sick.  

The American Psychiatric Association Foundation has a Campaign to Change Direction hoping to change the way America addresses mental health issues.  
With 1 in every 4-5 people having a diagnosable mental health condition, we should all make it a point to "know the five signs."  

1. Personality Change          4. Poor Self-Care

2. Agitation                           5. Hopelessness
3. Withdrawal 

I don't have all the answers but I do know that reaching out to someone could be the exact hope, answer, kindness they need.  

I've been thinking....

I went to Peachford today.
I saw another ambulance bringing a sick hurting soul for treatment.  
I believe God placed me with my Dr. to return to the hospital for me to look at those double doors and see how far I've come.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about two words
1.  Grace
2.  Positivity

I've discussed both in therapy the past few weeks and am working feverishly to extend grace to all people I encounter on a daily basis.  I'm also working to sprinkle in positivity like it is celebratory glitter every day on my desk.  I do have some people in my life wanting to focus on the one "B" I made instead of the 4 "A's".  It is up to me whether I let them make me feel less than.  

You change the thought.
You change the mind.  

"Think" about that this week.....

365 times 2

Two years....

of recovery.
of therapy.
of support groups.
of growth.

A lot can happen in 365 days times 2.  
Heck, a lot can happen in a week.  
This week alone my Dad has had several diagnoses while in the hospital at Emory.  Gram-rod negative bacteria, infection to the heart, gall bladder, liver cancer,  hepatitis.  A roller coaster ride would summarize what my family has been through since Saturday.    

One of my best friends texted me last night saying, "you are so strong."

I don't feel strong at times but when I do, my strength comes from working my program.  It comes from weekly therapy sessions, reading and listening to books on tape such as The Dance of Anger and The Power of Now.  It is learning about triangles in relationships which prevent intimacy and how to break them.  It is rewriting the legacy of myself to be healthier and break negative cycles.  We can never grow if we don't make changes and my belief is it takes a professional to guide us to make positive changes.  

I challenge you all to reach out to others.  
Always be kinder than you feel.

I'll close with my mantra on my burlap board which has served me well for 365 times 2.

I'm okay.
I am enough.
I am loved.
I will feel better.
This too shall pass.
I won't always feel this way.
One day at a time.
I will live in the now.
It's okay.
This moment, only.

  

She rescued my heart

I've been hesitant to write....it's been 12 days since our little Gabby has been missing.  She's always been the more curious one of the siblings and opened a door with her paws and got out on JT's Birthday night.  I've learned that some people are passionate about their fur babies and some simply think we are nuts that we care so much about a little kitty cat.  Gabby and Pepper were 2 rescue kitties we adopted on Valentine's day 2 years ago in February.  That March is when I spent a week at the "Peach".  A large part of my salvation was coming home to those two babies who loved me unconditionally no matter what my mental flaws were.  Honestly I feel like they rescued me as much as I did them from the cold and the rain.  She curled in my arms every night before I fell asleep.  We all 3 miss her so much.  Pepper staring out the window morning and night is heartbreaking.  

Please join me in praying for a miracle that our little Gabby girl comes home to us soon.    

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

It is officially Christmas!

12:35 am

I am laying in my childhood bed feeling like I have erased a 4 from my 44 years of age.  

Tonight I was 4 all over again and I needed my mama. 

Yesterday....

I was enveloped in smiles, remember whens, hugs, friendship and pictures. I cried when I got in my car to leave.  I didn't cry out of sadness, I cried because my heart felt a rush of happiness and I felt each second, minute, hour with my friends and relished in it all. I was "present". 

Today ....

I floated -- hugging, smiling, laughing... All the things one should be doing during the holidays. 

Today ....

I lived a lie. I had an overwhelming sadness. I was drowning and watching all those around me breathing.  I received the best news about my Dad's recent health diagnosis and I couldn't feel happy.  I spent the morning with family and yummy food and hilarious stories and I couldn't feel those around me.  I drank mimosas with people I love and played games and felt empty. 

Tonight...

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't smile. I couldn't pretend. 

Soooo this is depression. 

For all of you who wonder what it really feels like.  

I received this text tonight... 

"Why the depression All is good"

It compelled me to write and I haven't wanted to write in a long time. 

I am many things tonight 

I am grateful I know what these feelings are. 

I am grateful I have my family. 

I am overflowing with gratitude for my husband who says nothing. He doesn't have to, he holds me, he gets me and cradles me through it all. 

I am grateful it is the birthday of Jesus.  

I am grateful I'm still able to be in my childhood bed with my parents down the hall. 

Most of all.... I am grateful that my feelings are temporary.  

Depression doesn't discriminate and choose which day it wants to arrive.  

My friend is right... All is good.  That is how I know what clinical depression truly is. Feeling empty when I should be full. 

I'm sorry for not being present at times and not returning calls etc.  I truly am.  I think about it often. I'm also sorry for not being able to explain why I don't at times.  I want to blame the family funeral this week, the work deadlines, the lack of sleep, the horrid rain and gloomy weather but the reality is I can't. I can only blame the disease and promise that I will do all I can to fight back.  

Tomorrow.....

A new beginning. A fresh start.  Another chance to wake up and be present and grateful.  

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.