100 Percent

Some days it's a lot harder than others to put one foot in front of the other.  Yesterday was one of those and I'm doing my damnedest to not make today one of them too.  I'm tired of being 75 percent or 81 or 85 or any number other than 100.  Sick of it!  I want to be whole, I want to be the friend I feel I used to be to people, I want to return phone calls, I want to go to concerts, I want to plan birthday outings, I want to exercise, I want to work to my highest level.  This is so so hard.  It's hard to write that I don't feel whole and that I'm going through a really hard time right now.  However, I feel that it's the fair, raw thing to do and what I promised my Doctor I would do.  Be real.  

This journey isn't all fun and games.  You don't walk out of the hospital and claim wellness.  It isn't like Lasik surgery where you see clearly again.  It's a cloud constantly.  It's the unknown.  It's so so difficult to treat the unknown.  

I am so fortunate.  Fortunate to have a caregiver who truly cares, pushes me forward and says, "what can I do to help?", takes me to a meeting last night, points out a rainbow and says it is our sign, surrounds me with people who know exactly how I feel and most importantly, loves me for who I am -- all 100% of me.  100 percent.  I have it.  It just took me writing it all out this morning to see that.  

Boy Interrupted

Last night after a long final day at the Atlanta Gift Mart, I walked in the house to JT entranced at the TV.  We've all heard of the old movie Girl, Interrupted capturing Winona Ryder in an institution.  Boy Interrupted is also about mental illness, however, it is a compelling indie HBO documentary brought to life by Evan Perry's parents, Dana and Hart.  I don't want to ramble so I'll summarize briefly what the movie is about.    

Evan Perry committed suicide at the age of 15.

Evan had bipolar disorder.

Evan's Uncle Scott committed suicide at the age of 21.

Scott had bipolar disorder. 
The film is moving, powerful, exhausting, sad but necessary.
Going off medications can be life threatening.
Evan represents so many who experience medication side-effects, distorted perceptions, hopelessness, pointlessness as noted in his suicide note below.  
Evan's parents, brothers, friends, teacher and Psychiatrist all give important insight to this dreadful illness.  

In summary, I'm stunned his parents had the mental fortitude to make this film.  It gives me hope that others may see the film and learn about how hard it is to live with a mental illness whether it be depression, bipolar, schizophrenia or anxiety.  One snippet of the film that resonated with me was an interview with one of Evan's closest school friends.  He was devastated and shocked to read Evan's note with the list of things to die for.  For me, it confirmed how others around us are the last people to know what is going on at times.  On the bright side, there is always hope.  I define hope.  I define survival.  I define recovery.  I define life.     


Boy Interrupted

We swam in the rain & loved it

Yesterday we went to church.  I'm still learning some of the "Methodisms," one of which is they do Communion every first Sunday of the month.  While sitting listening to the music and waiting our turn to head up to the altar, I whispered to JT, "I have a crazy idea!  Let's leave and go to the lake!"  He put his hand on my forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?  We can't leave now."  And so we dipped our bread and drank our grape juice.  

We headed back to Bethany Bend, packed a bag, printed out directions and headed South.  Anyone who knows my husband knows he does not like impromptu trips or unplanned adventures.  3 hours later, we were in a boat.  "Let's swim!"  "It's raining, he said, we can't swim."  Two minutes later, Lynn and I jump in the water.  It poured.  He finally caved and jumped in and Michael followed suit.  We could hardly see each other it was raining so hard. 

It's hard to explain unless you've faced death how much these little things mean in life.  It felt almost like a check off a bucket list.  

We swam in the rain and loved it.  

  

Only now is real

Yesterday while sitting in my Doctor's office for an impromptu appointment I was ever so grateful to get, I said, "gosh if I had diabetes or cancer, this would be so much easier to manage because I would know my diagnosis and treatment plan."  What was I thinking?  I feel certain any person sitting in a chair receiving chemo would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  He said, "Natalie, your illness requires managing and yes, you have to live with it daily, but you do not have to allow it to define you."  At the time, I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't necessarily comprehend it then.  Later that afternoon, I realized how important it is to celebrate the goals I've met and not focus on the ones I haven't.  I think this is important no matter who we are.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what we haven't done -- whether it be the painting of a room, taking your child to a promised place, losing weight, sending a thank you note, returning a call to a friend and the list goes on and on.  

Another realization I had was normalcy.  What is it?  I don't know.  That was the best way I knew how to explain it to JT and my therapist yesterday.  I'm navigating new waters in the ocean I've never traveled.  I want to be able to say, I'm feeling off today but I don't necessarily know what that is almost until it's come and gone.  I do know now how important it is for me to have a checklist to "keep me in check."  Am I isolating?  Am I over or under eating?  Am I sleeping too much or too little?  Am I sad?  Am I ignoring calls, texts or emails?  

As usual when I have something big in my life occur, I flock to the Internet for research.  It's commonplace in our family of 2 that I am the researcher for any and all things -- recipes, vacations, products, etc.  I take notes and then suss out (is that even a word?) what I deem to be important.  Here's a stab at my own thoughts combined with tidbits I found last night.  Hopefully they will help you in your own life as much as they are helping me.  

I will survive...

Not just because Gloria Gaynor said so but because I have before.  I can and will rely on my strength and wisdom that got me out of this before (and my arsenal - a supporting husband, friends, therapist and Doctor).  

This too shall pass.

Nothing is forever which is so helpful to remember during the bad days.  

My past is not my future.

There is nothing in writing stating I will relapse and head South and land back where I was.  I have tools to combat this.  

                            

Board the windows.  

Prep for the hurricane which may or may not make landfall.  Having a plan in place for down times.    

One last thing that stuck with me from yesterday was a discussion we had about negative and positive.  The positive doesn't necessarily stick to our brains but the negative has a tendency to stick like Velcro.  I am finding that the tiniest of sentences help me pull the Velcro away.  

I'm okay.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I will feel better.

This too shall pass. 

I won't always feel this way.  

One day at a time.

I will live in the now.  

It's okay.

This moment, only.  

Oh and, it's a long holiday weekend :)