Nanu Nanu

Every time I feel brave and bold enough to talk about my illness and come forward, there's always a negative Nancy waiting in the wings.  I often think and want to scream to people like "NN" that your brain is just like any other organ in your body and when it doesn't function properly, it needs to be healed.  You wouldn't dare call someone with failing kidneys "crazy" or label them "unstable".  It's difficult for me to hear such judgmental comments from people who truly believe, "once crazy, always crazy".  Okay, I'll accept that.  I'll double down though and say that your crazy hasn't been diagnosed and treated and mine has!  I kid and digress but I hope you all see where I'm going with this train of thought.  It is dangerous to place labels on people and we are all guilty, myself included, of labeling.  

Tonight I had dinner with an old friend I haven't seen in months.  The first topic at the bar was Robin Williams and how sad his death was.  I told her about my illness and hospitalization.  I felt such strength.  When we hugged she said, "You are brave my sweet friend and I feel inspired by you."  Many of us have been affected by the suicide of Robin Williams.  It felt personal to me because I've been there.  I always love to think something good will come out of something bad.  As sad as his death is to me, I feel hope in scrolling down my twitter feed seeing all of the talk about depression and mental illness awareness.  I compiled a few which spoke to me and hopefully it well help shed light on this sad disease.  

‪@Active_Minds 10h

It's a tragic day, but we're comforted by the fact that ‪#depression is trending and people are openly discussing ‪#mentalillness

‪@gabehoward29: Still think suicide only affects a few people? Suicide. Affects. Everyone. ‪#RobinWilliams

"Crazy" is a word we throw around far too flippantly. Suicide & ‪#Depression are symptoms of a hurt human being. In need of help.

Depression is no joke. It affects you physically, emotionally, spiritually. It cannot be prayed away either. You need help. ‪#RobinWilliams

Depression is a disease. Just like Cancer. Alcoholism. Or any physical condition that robs us of life, energy, and hope. ‪#RobinWilliams

 ‪@IAmSophiaNelson

We live in a disposable "Dixie-Cup" culture. People feel left out and unloved. We need each other. We die without connection. ‪#RobinWilliams

@jillabbinanti  

It's impossible to know the internal struggles of others, which is why kindness should be our default. RIP ‪#RobinWilliams

We have to talk about it the same way we talk about any other medical condition - ‪@drdrew on destigmatizing mental illness

We can't keep losing people to something that is treatable - ‪@drdrew on mental illness and the death of ‪#RobinWilliams

 ‏‪@mariashriver  

Robin's passing is cause for a reshare. In his memory may we all be kinder to each other & work to make people smile.

When you feel like a failure no matter how many degrees, cars, homes, etc. nothing can fix it but you loving you!

Nanu Nanu...Praying Robin found the peace he so deserved.  

Casserole disease

I'm not sure how many of you have ever attended a support group. Support groups come in all shapes and sizes and cover many parameters such as divorce, alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, overeating, gamblers anonymous and the list goes on. The sole purpose in my opinion is to be around others experiencing your same battle.  

I sat in my support group this week and had a homeless woman on my right and an attorney on JT's left.  It spoke to me in so many ways as we drove home that night.  There are no race or socioeconomic boundaries on who has a mental illness, on who is an alcoholic, on who overeats, etc.  We are all created as one in God's eyes.  It is easy to lose sight of that though as we battle through daily life.  

What does one say to a person diagnosed with a mental illness?  Let's face it, it is not a "casserole disease".  People aren't running to your door dropping off food.  It's uncomfortable.  Heck, I find it uncomfortable when someone has a death in the family or is diagnosed with cancer.  There's one thing I have learned as I've grown older, it's better to risk saying the wrong thing than doing nothing at all.  A simple, "I love you" is worth a mountain of gold.    

My devotion this morning brought my entry full circle and included one of my favorite verses.  

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble."  Philippians 4:13-14

Yes, it is kind to share in each other's trouble.  I love each and every one of you who are sharing in mine as I heal and....

I love you.    

It's a wonderful life!

Life traditions are different for us all.  Some people go all out for Anniversaries, Birthdays and different holidays.  Some simply see them as a typical Monday or any day of the week.  I grew up in a family where we celebrated.  I had a "Great Pumpkin", an Easter Bunny, a "Valentine Man", a tooth fairy, a Saint Patrick, Santa Claus and baskets for all of these full of various goodies.  I had Grandparents who called me without fail the morning of every August 4th each on a phone singing Happy Birthday.  This past Monday morning my parents called and they continue to carry on that tradition.  It is special to me.  JT thinks we are all crazy, in a funny way though.  Birthdays aren't a big deal to him.  For me, in the year 2014, it was a huge deal.  It is a time to reflect, to appreciate life, to thank God for one more year.  It isn't about gifts, it is about celebrating being alive.  I figure we celebrate as a nation on the 4th of July.  Why shouldn't I celebrate myself on the 4th of August?    

The best present I received this year was waking up to read my surprise blog I had no idea was being written by JT.  It feels good to be loved and even better to read 43 reasons I am loved.  I have the 43 posted on my burlap board to reflect on daily.  I feel loved everyday but now I have 43 reasons I can reflect on when I'm feeling down.  Admittedly, the massage and dinner at Bone's also made me feel loved as well.      


In conclusion, I have a confession.  I used to cry every year on my birthday.  It was a terrible day for me.  Upon reflection, I don't know if it was my depression, my assumptions of others forgetting (read the book, The Four Agreements), not accomplishing what I felt I should that year or just an overall unhappiness.  

Not this year!  It was a wonderful day, wonderful weekend and...

it's a wonderful life!  

 

Happy Birthday Mrs. Winston

I am guest blogging today.  I am Natalie’s husband…and today is Mrs. Winston’s birthday.  (Back story…Laura Shepard thought our names were JT and Natalie Winston.)  Nat and I have been together 5 years now, and married for just over 1.  We are still learning each other and learning about life together.  We certainly have had our highs and lows…as I’m sure all of you have.  And I think we can all agree that it’s those peaks and valleys that make a relationship stronger, and a zest for life grow.  So for today’s guest blog, I thought I’d share 43 things that I find fascinating and love about Nat so far.  Mrs. Winston…I hope you enjoy…

1.       You only eat strawberry jelly on pancakes.  Only strawberry jelly.

2.       You struggle with escalators.  Still.

3.       You think I’m funny.  Most times.

4.       You love our kitties. 

5.       You do all our laundry. 

6.       You still watch Y&R.  Really?

7.       Your self-proclaimed PI skills

8.       You turn the page.

9.       Your faith in God

10.   Your ever enduring strength.  I hope you realize this more and more.

11.   Your will to always want to be better

12.   All you do for your parents

13.   You have a heart of gold.  Pure.

14.   Your charitable nature

15.   You leave shoes all over the house.  All over.

16.   You can cook inside, while I do outside.

17.   Your willingness and desire to please

18.   Your out and out refusal to watch any fantasy movie.  No budging.

19.   You can be almost as stubborn as me.

20.   You laugh, and others laugh with you.

21.   You cry.

22.   Your scrambled eggs

23.   You love football Saturdays.

24.   Knowing you hurt when I hurt

25.   Knowing you are pleased when I am pleased

26.   You still have your close childhood friends.

27.   It’s impossible to get you out of the house before noon on Saturdays.

28.   You got me back in church.

29.   You genuinely want to know about my day.

30.   Your positive outlook and spirit

31.   Your fierce work ethic

32.   You are completely unable to tell any story in less than 30 minutes.

33.   You eat medium rare steak now.  Better, right?

34.   You recognize both of our strengths, and guide us to utilize them.

35.   You can ask for help.

36.   You try hard not to judge.

37.   You have a great ability to empathize.

38.   You break too hard when you drive.  It scares me.

39.   You say you are sorry.  And you’ve taught me the value in me doing the same.

40.   You think you can multi-task.

41.   You accepted my ring, and gave me one of my own.

42.   You want to make a good life with me, because…

43.   You truly and unconditionally love me…and I feel it every day. 

I’m sure all of you out there have your own lists for your love ones.  My hope is that we all can see these types of things in all people in our lives.  I personally found that making this list was fun, it helps me realize how lucky I am to have my wife, and it makes me want to be a better man for it.  She gives me these things constantly, and what I owe her can never be repayed.  I can only say to you Nat - it is these things…only the tip of the iceberg as we continue our journey together…that make me love you…today and always.  You have my heart.  Happy Birthday Mrs. Winston! 

And may God bless us all with many, many more.

100 Percent

Some days it's a lot harder than others to put one foot in front of the other.  Yesterday was one of those and I'm doing my damnedest to not make today one of them too.  I'm tired of being 75 percent or 81 or 85 or any number other than 100.  Sick of it!  I want to be whole, I want to be the friend I feel I used to be to people, I want to return phone calls, I want to go to concerts, I want to plan birthday outings, I want to exercise, I want to work to my highest level.  This is so so hard.  It's hard to write that I don't feel whole and that I'm going through a really hard time right now.  However, I feel that it's the fair, raw thing to do and what I promised my Doctor I would do.  Be real.  

This journey isn't all fun and games.  You don't walk out of the hospital and claim wellness.  It isn't like Lasik surgery where you see clearly again.  It's a cloud constantly.  It's the unknown.  It's so so difficult to treat the unknown.  

I am so fortunate.  Fortunate to have a caregiver who truly cares, pushes me forward and says, "what can I do to help?", takes me to a meeting last night, points out a rainbow and says it is our sign, surrounds me with people who know exactly how I feel and most importantly, loves me for who I am -- all 100% of me.  100 percent.  I have it.  It just took me writing it all out this morning to see that.  

Boy Interrupted

Last night after a long final day at the Atlanta Gift Mart, I walked in the house to JT entranced at the TV.  We've all heard of the old movie Girl, Interrupted capturing Winona Ryder in an institution.  Boy Interrupted is also about mental illness, however, it is a compelling indie HBO documentary brought to life by Evan Perry's parents, Dana and Hart.  I don't want to ramble so I'll summarize briefly what the movie is about.    

Evan Perry committed suicide at the age of 15.

Evan had bipolar disorder.

Evan's Uncle Scott committed suicide at the age of 21.

Scott had bipolar disorder. 
The film is moving, powerful, exhausting, sad but necessary.
Going off medications can be life threatening.
Evan represents so many who experience medication side-effects, distorted perceptions, hopelessness, pointlessness as noted in his suicide note below.  
Evan's parents, brothers, friends, teacher and Psychiatrist all give important insight to this dreadful illness.  

In summary, I'm stunned his parents had the mental fortitude to make this film.  It gives me hope that others may see the film and learn about how hard it is to live with a mental illness whether it be depression, bipolar, schizophrenia or anxiety.  One snippet of the film that resonated with me was an interview with one of Evan's closest school friends.  He was devastated and shocked to read Evan's note with the list of things to die for.  For me, it confirmed how others around us are the last people to know what is going on at times.  On the bright side, there is always hope.  I define hope.  I define survival.  I define recovery.  I define life.     


Boy Interrupted

We swam in the rain & loved it

Yesterday we went to church.  I'm still learning some of the "Methodisms," one of which is they do Communion every first Sunday of the month.  While sitting listening to the music and waiting our turn to head up to the altar, I whispered to JT, "I have a crazy idea!  Let's leave and go to the lake!"  He put his hand on my forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?  We can't leave now."  And so we dipped our bread and drank our grape juice.  

We headed back to Bethany Bend, packed a bag, printed out directions and headed South.  Anyone who knows my husband knows he does not like impromptu trips or unplanned adventures.  3 hours later, we were in a boat.  "Let's swim!"  "It's raining, he said, we can't swim."  Two minutes later, Lynn and I jump in the water.  It poured.  He finally caved and jumped in and Michael followed suit.  We could hardly see each other it was raining so hard. 

It's hard to explain unless you've faced death how much these little things mean in life.  It felt almost like a check off a bucket list.  

We swam in the rain and loved it.