Face your fear!

I remember hearing and also research validating that the majority of dog bites come out of the animal experiencing fear.  I also remember thinking that was nuts.  I don't feel that way anymore, especially since I'm seasoned in dog bites (that's a story for another day).  Fear brings out a number of emotions.  I think we are all fearful of the unknown.  I was scared to death when I was at Peachford and saw someone check the box on their self inventory, "are you having homicidal thoughts?" YES!  Even more fearful when she announced herself as Bipolar and proceeded to talk into a pretend walkie talkie as a member of the CIA. (Yes, you are allowed to laugh at this)  

One day in processing group, I was tired, not wanting to be there and I snapped at someone.  I told her she was being distracting.  She proceeded to get in the fetal position in a corner and rock and cry.  I felt horrible!  I apologized profusely for hurting her feelings.  She proceeded to leave the room.  The group facilitator said, "Natalie, you did nothing wrong.  Just remember there are different levels of mental illness."  She was Bipolar and has PTSD.  There you have it.  It was the unknown for me.  I didn't understand those illnesses.  I was fearful of them.      

I was baffled in support group a couple of weeks ago about the word mania in association with Bipolar.  The symptoms were ones I had never experienced and to my knowledge never been around.  The reality is it was pure fear on my part because I was surrounded by Bipolar patients at The Peach and also in my support group meetings.  I was experiencing thoughts of fear simply because it's something I cannot relate to and understand.  I'm learning though.  I'm learning that along with Bipolar comes depression and that is something I can relate to daily.  I'm challenging myself to learn more about this illness and I challenge you as well to open yourself up to learning about things you are in fear of.  We have a tendency to react quickly and listen poorly when we don't understanding something.  

     
I'm looking forward to going to a new support group tomorrow night and facing my fears of the unknown -- new people, new topics, a new group.  All 3 things I'm equipped now to overcome.  
  

Guest Blog...And in all things be thankful

Angie Dillon Morton....Christian mother of 4, wife of l, loyal friend to many, Auburn alum, driver of kids, homework Nazi, Bible study facilitator, Griffin native, Tampa transplant

Admittedly, I wrote Angie's bio.  She's too humble in my opinion to tout her attributes.  She has too many to summarize.  Suffice it to say, when going into any crisis, you want her on your team.  And on my team she has been.  Enjoy this most appropriate Easter guest blog from Angie. 

I love you my sweet friend.  Happy Easter! 


I have always believe there are 2 kinds of people, those who are in counseling and those who need to go to counseling.  I have never been to a professional counselor, but I have often sought counseling.  Be it from my parents, my husband, friends, or a stranger that did not understand the impact of their words, I have most certainly been in counseling.  The definition of counselor is "someone who advises," and we all have a friend or person we call for sound advice or just to listen.  Each of us has the "something" that we deal with, we all have struggles.  They look different from person to person, but we all have them. 


We live in a fallen world and we are not perfect.  After all isn't that what Easter is all about?  To remind us the Jesus, the One and only, died for us to save us from our sins, to proclaim victory for us and to free us from the sin we cannot escape?  John 16:33 says, "...You will have suffering in this world.  Be courageous!  I have conquered the world."  He died for you and He died for me so that we may have eternal life; a life free of suffering.  My pastor said, that when we are suffering we must "live with quiet strength in us that makes people stand up and take notice."  Life is  not always easy and life is not always fair, but in the end, because of the cross, we will be victorious!  

I am standing Natalie; standing in admiration of your strength and determination, standing in awe of your bravery.  You are right; God will never waste a hurt.  He will use it to glorify Him.  

And in all things be thankful...

Happy Resurrection Day! 

Angie
 

Good "Good Friday"

I'm surrounded by a few daily reminders of my time at Peachford.  Every time I take a shower I see the facial scrub they confiscated (shout out to Natalie Davis and the awesome Rodan + Fields she sells) with my patient ID, DOB and Doctor info.  

I turn and things like this also surround me and I realize how precious life really is.  

               

                   

I met a friend for dinner last night and I arrived a little early and she was a bit late so I sat back and ordered a glass of champagne which is highly out of character for me.  I savored every tiny drop and even toasted cheers with 2 ladies at the next table.  

Last weekend we walked in the 80 degree weather down Peachtree Street and I looked up at the sky and blinked back tears.  I wanted to cry because I couldn't imagine not ever seeing a blue sky again, the sun, fresh tulips.  I see life so differently now than I did before.  I have such an appreciation for "the little things."  I hope I hold onto that forever.      


It was a good "Good Friday."  

Imagine!

I'm kind of amazed at how much AA is similar to the recovery of Clinical Depression.  I was with a friend who is in AA this week and from our talking, I realized more and more our paths of recovery are so similar.  We have to "work the program" daily.  There are no social or racial barriers as to who is affected by our diseases.  I refuse to live in fear of a relapse, I just like to think I'm being gingerly cautious in self awareness.  

Ironically, I'm reading a book, Undoing Depression, and I was pleasantly surprised to read last night that this Doctor agrees.  He said, "People in AA know from experience that not drinking is not enough; they have to "live the program."  Like alcoholism, depression is a lifelong  condition that can be cured only by a deliberate effort to change ourselves."  I feel like being a sponge and gathering as much information as I can on the topic is setting me up for success.  

I received the wisest, kindest text this morning from a friend that is so worthy of sharing:  

You are peeling back the layers of those things that have burdened you piece by piece.  We don't know we are in bondage to something until we are no longer a slave to it.  

I see your future self HAPPY.  Able to take DEEP breaths.  Able to ENJOY.  Confident.  Secure.  FREE. 

Begin seeing yourself as that.  And instead of thinking ABOUT what you want for your life tomorrow, 6 months from now, 5 years from now...begin thinking FROM that.  

Imagine.  Think FROM what you imagine.  It will happen.  

Be Brave!

It's a good day.  I count these days and hold them close to my heart.  Not literally count, but I am grateful and I see them much differently than I did before.  

There are many boxes left to check as we say in our household and they never seem to end.  I've checked a lot of the boxes in the last 2 days.  I've officially broken up with my therapist and have a brand new appointment next week with someone else.  My support group last night reinforced I'm making the best decision for me and my recovery.  I'm hopeful.  I installed my brand new printer and even learned to print from my iPhone.  I've ordered my Be Brave print and a new Indigo rug for my office, officially picked paint colors for my bedroom, bath, guest room, guest bath and downstairs bath.  Stepping out of my comfort zone.    

Brave and Hopeful!  I couldn't ask for much more today.  xo....n

Top Ten

Letterman I am not, but I'm finding lately I may not be with the right therapist so until I find a new one, I need to be proactive in homework and combating triggers.  This morning I created my own Top 10 Things I Should Do to Battle Depression.  In the interest of full disclosure, I don't do all of these regularly but they are goals and I know they work.  

1.  Combat feeling overwhelmed.  Make small, realistic goals.  This relates to both work and personal for me.  I have to remember to delete phone calls, make a list, clean out my in box, see what my week is going to look like.    

2.  Take my meds.  This isn't rocket science but occasionally I forget.  It's only happened once since "The Peach."  I've recently changed my daily pill box to live beside the Keurig as a morning reminder.    

3.  Exercise.  Suffice it to say, walking to and around the cul-de-sac is a feat for me at this point.  It's just a proven fact and makes sense - exercise is important for us all mentally and physically.  

4.  Therapy appointments.  I used to get super excited to go to therapy and then I realized last week when I dreaded my appointment that it's time to make a change.  Change is always hard.  However, according to the experts, medicines combined with psychotherapy are the 2 best bets in combating this illness.  

5.  Support group attendance.  I've learned that being around like minded people striving for the same goal is so healthy for me.  It's refreshing to be in a room with a retired Radiologist, a Mom of 2, an Attorney, a retired Father of a Bipolar son, a Nurse at Wesley Woods and the list goes on and on.  All people suffering yet wanting to help each other and themselves to live a healthy life.       

6.  Pay it forward.  My friend "A" is a wonderful example and encourages me more than she realizes to pay it forward.  Doing something for someone else simply makes me feel better.     

7.  Getting Spiritually Fit.  I believe in God.  My faith matters to me, everyday, not just Easter Sunday.  It has brought me through some of my darkest hours.  It gave me the friends I have today.  It is important to me to have a church home I can call my own.  I cannot combat problems as well when I am spiritually lazy.        

8.  Family & Friend focus.  When you feel like you've disappointed the people who know you and love you the most, it's a daunting feeling.  I'm overcoming this feeling.  In turn, it has made me shut out some of the people I love the very most in my life.  It's important for me to let them know it's not them, it's me.  "What can I do to help?"  These words are amazingly comforting to someone feeling overwhelmed like me.  I've learned to accept the help.  I've learned that people rarely offer things they don't mean.  The letters, the texts, the meals, the prayers, the calls, the emails have gotten us through.  I am truly humbled in how loved I feel.      

9.  Check in.  If you read my blog regularly, you know how important the check in is for me and JT.    http://1013isnotmyhousenumber.blogspot.com/2014/04/check-in-or-check-out.html  

10.  Tune in the music, tune out the news.  For me, there's nothing better than a great play list combining Bon Jovi, Nashville and some 80's pop.  What I don't do well with is the local news or CNN blasting all of the school shootings, downed planes, house fires and anything else you can imagine that's sad.    

Happy Easter Week.....n

Answers to the Q's

Q.  Who or what was your biggest source of strength while at "The Peach?"

A.  Hmmm, I have 3.  

1.  JT, I don't have enough words to say about how this man has supported me unconditionally.  He answered the phone morning, noon and night and always had a positive thing to say to me to get me through.  He told me who texted him, took handwritten notes from me to text, read me Bible verses, told me who all loved me and funny kitty stories about Gabby and Pepper (anything to make me smile.)  

2.  My friend, "S" who was in "The Peach" with me.  She was the only person who came from across the room to me as I sat in the vitals chair upon my arrival tired, scared, dirty and sad.  She introduced herself and said, "It's gonna be okay Natalie, I was you yesterday."  That gave me such peace.  She will be a forever friend.  We took a journey together that no one can understand.    

3.  My Prayer Journal my Mother-in-law Lynn brought to me.  When you don't have a clear mind, it is so hard to stay on track with a prayer which in turn creates guilt.  This little special red book afforded me the ability to read small sentences of her notes and Bible verses.  They were amazing!  I read many of them to my roommate at midnight on my last night. 

Q.  Could you have visitors?  

A.  Yes, but only on Sunday from 2-3 PM and Wednesday from 6:30-7:30 PM. JT was so great about organizing the visits.  It was planned out where I saw him first, my parents second, Lynn and Michael next, a couple of friends and then him at the end all within an hour.  On Wednesday, he did the same thing with Mom and Dad and the Bohannons.   

Q.  Was family involved in your treatment?  

A.  Yes, I was assigned a Social Worker who called JT to discuss my case and set up what they call a "Family Session."  The sessions include education about depression, an understanding of what leads to crisis, developing a crisis plan and determining the next steps of the treatment plan.  One word = intense!  

It's late and I have a busy week ahead of work, therapy, support group and homework.  I'll leave you with one of my favorites from the Prayer Journal.  Matthew 6:25