Only now is real

Yesterday while sitting in my Doctor's office for an impromptu appointment I was ever so grateful to get, I said, "gosh if I had diabetes or cancer, this would be so much easier to manage because I would know my diagnosis and treatment plan."  What was I thinking?  I feel certain any person sitting in a chair receiving chemo would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  He said, "Natalie, your illness requires managing and yes, you have to live with it daily, but you do not have to allow it to define you."  At the time, I could hear what he was saying, but I couldn't necessarily comprehend it then.  Later that afternoon, I realized how important it is to celebrate the goals I've met and not focus on the ones I haven't.  I think this is important no matter who we are.  It's so easy to get bogged down in what we haven't done -- whether it be the painting of a room, taking your child to a promised place, losing weight, sending a thank you note, returning a call to a friend and the list goes on and on.  

Another realization I had was normalcy.  What is it?  I don't know.  That was the best way I knew how to explain it to JT and my therapist yesterday.  I'm navigating new waters in the ocean I've never traveled.  I want to be able to say, I'm feeling off today but I don't necessarily know what that is almost until it's come and gone.  I do know now how important it is for me to have a checklist to "keep me in check."  Am I isolating?  Am I over or under eating?  Am I sleeping too much or too little?  Am I sad?  Am I ignoring calls, texts or emails?  

As usual when I have something big in my life occur, I flock to the Internet for research.  It's commonplace in our family of 2 that I am the researcher for any and all things -- recipes, vacations, products, etc.  I take notes and then suss out (is that even a word?) what I deem to be important.  Here's a stab at my own thoughts combined with tidbits I found last night.  Hopefully they will help you in your own life as much as they are helping me.  

I will survive...

Not just because Gloria Gaynor said so but because I have before.  I can and will rely on my strength and wisdom that got me out of this before (and my arsenal - a supporting husband, friends, therapist and Doctor).  

This too shall pass.

Nothing is forever which is so helpful to remember during the bad days.  

My past is not my future.

There is nothing in writing stating I will relapse and head South and land back where I was.  I have tools to combat this.  

                            

Board the windows.  

Prep for the hurricane which may or may not make landfall.  Having a plan in place for down times.    

One last thing that stuck with me from yesterday was a discussion we had about negative and positive.  The positive doesn't necessarily stick to our brains but the negative has a tendency to stick like Velcro.  I am finding that the tiniest of sentences help me pull the Velcro away.  

I'm okay.

I am enough.

I am loved.

I will feel better.

This too shall pass. 

I won't always feel this way.  

One day at a time.

I will live in the now.  

It's okay.

This moment, only.  

Oh and, it's a long holiday weekend :)

A Groom’ s Perspective, Part 2

Most, if not all, of our guests have arrived.  Before, time was dragging…now, it has flown by.  It’s almost time for my speech…I think.  For it seems that Karol has been trying to get my attention for some time now, and Amy finally has.  “It’s time.  We are losing light.”  The hosts start corralling everyone to join Nat and me by the pool…I want to make a toast, they say.  The band stops and I let them know I need a mic.  I was anticipating a mic and stand…not just be handed a mic.  As I stand ready to speak, it looks like I’m holding a shake weight…I’m shaking so bad.  I go through my notes quickly in my head….thank everyone for coming, thank all the hosts (I put them in alphabetical order in my head to make sure I got to each of them…Clements, Gambles, Homans, O’Neals, Sullins, Treadway/Woodruff), and lastly…drop the bombshell.  I stumbled through it, but the end result was worth it.  Our parents were so very surprised!  As Nat has shared the pic with you all before, just seeing our Mom’s faces was worth it all.  To our hosts…once again…thank you.  You made our Mom’s very happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1i1d-myOIxQ

15 minutes later, we got married.  The place buzzing.  The ceremony perfect.  Dusty did an amazing job.  The music was just right.  After the “I Do’s” and the pronouncement of man and wife…we make our exit back up to poolside.  Nat throws her hands in the air… “we did it baby!”  I’ve never seen her happier.  I will remember that moment for all my days.  That moment sometimes carries me on more difficult days. 

Our friends and family came to congratulate us and regale us with how they knew something was up.  Yeah, “whatevs” we thought.  Seriously, most all were completely shocked and thrilled.  Thrilled for us, thrilled for a great night.  We had friends and family travel from down the road to across the country.  And I truly feel like we pulled this off.  There was a vibe that night that I could never replace…excitement, shock, relief, love…all of the above.  I felt loved.  By our hosts, by our guests, by my wife.  I will never forget this night…for those that were able to be a part of it…I thank you from the bottom of my hear for a cherished memory.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this with your own weddings, and have similar stories to share…this was ours.  

It was our time…our moment….Right Here, Right Now.  And always.

P.S.  I later had to take about 225 hair pins out of Nat’s hair at the end of the evening.  She fell asleep during.  How I love her.

6.29.14 & 6.30.14 You make me feel loved like no other

A bit of a delay on part two due to a busy weekend at Bethany Bend celebrating and enjoying all we have accomplished and overcome in a year.  Part two of JT's blog may or may not be coming today :)
  
In summary of our first year of marriage, here a few reasons I love JT more today than I did on June 29, 2013.  

You make me want to get better.  
You define "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."
You pick me up when I fall, literally and figuratively.
You shed tears a lot and I love to see your emotions. 
You are a sensitive soul under a veil of toughness.
You make me laugh daily without fail.
You make me want to follow the rules in life. 
You make me feel safe.
You turn the page. 
You make me feel loved like no other.  

Below are some of my favorite pictures with a bit of an explanation.

This look on JT's face prior to the big announcement makes me smile. 

I love this because I'm trying to decide who is talking the loudest in this shot - Kim or Dad! 

I'm amazed that JT and I both still have our high school best friends.  The pictures below show years and years of friendship.  

Prayers over our marriage.

                          

This is all of the Franklin family arriving right before the wedding because Jon called in a panic to get his camera sent.  One of my absolute favorite parts is seeing all of the kids run down for the ceremony.  

Sweet Hobba...flying in from Breck for less than 24 hours.  There aren't many friends like that in life.  

WE DID IT!

The day, the night, the weekend, the faces, the hugs, the warmth, the sacrifices friends made in so many ways.  We are humbled and overwhelmed that people love us this much.  

6.28.14 A Groom's Perspective

A Groom’ s Perspective, Part 1 

Nat asked if I could pick up the Wedding Week portion of the blog.  I thought it would take two parts to cover the wedding day…as long-winded as I am.  So here is A Groom’s Perspective, Part I…

The day is here.  It is our big day.  The excitement is palpable.  The stress of keeping the secret was taking its toll on all the hosts and Nat and me…but soon it will be unveiled.  And that unveiling is where I come in…and my stress only begins.  You see…it is my job to announce to everyone at the engagement party that they were actually attending our wedding.  A quick, narcissistic, self-indulgent speech should do just the trick.  So early this wedding day morning, I pick up the phone:   “Suni…its JT.  I can’t do this.  I’m trying to practice my speech and I keep breaking up.  Oh, yeah…and there’s not even anyone here…it’s just me and I can’t keep it together!”  My bride-to-be was already off to ATL to get her hair done.  I had a few moments alone at home to rehearse my speech.  It wasn’t going too well.  Suni: “For Heaven’s sake, JT – get it together!”  Nah…of course that wasn’t what she said.  I do not recall specifically what she did say but I know she calmed me.  I was able to get through a couple of practices…still breaking up, but not as bad.  I was ready.  Let’s do this!  It was 11am.  Perhaps I’m peaking a little early.  There were errands to run and people to avoid…that would occupy my time and mind.  I know “people to avoid” sounds awful…but I had to…it was a secret.  I’ve got Franklin and Robbins and others calling and calling all week and into Saturday because they were in town.  “Hey bachelor – let's go play some golf!”  “Hey, me again…still wondering if we are going to play some golf.”  “Hey – you know who…at the golf course…where are you?”  “Hey ****head, we’re done with golf.  Get bent.  Maybe I’ll see you tonight.”  Sigh…it was tough avoiding those calls…but had to be done.  I think, I hope, that they would soon understand.  So I did run errands a better part of the day, as did Nat, and as did all the hosts doing their last minute preparations.  The Clem’s have offered their family lake house for us to stay our wedding night, before off we go to Mexico for the honeymoon.  Nat’s car is dropped off at the lake, along with some late night treats, and I make my way back to Maple.  It’s time to start getting ready.  We have to dress in our engagement gear, while the wedding attire is taken separately and discreetly.  So much done discreetly.  Our engagement duds properly adorned, off we go to Spalamar.  Naturally, we need to arrive early to greet all our guests.  The hosts, to all their credit, have been there and were on top of it all.  The place looked great!  This is happening!  Holy moly!  Everyone is going to freak!  But it is still 50 minutes until the party is scheduled to start.  We walk about and talk to a few people…it’s hot out.  What time is it?  47 minutes before the party starts.  We mingle…see if we can help…I think about my speech.  What time is it?  Are the guests almost here?  42 minutes before the party starts.  I think you can see where this is going…time seems to be dragging.  But as time does…it passes…and people start to arrive.  Our families arrive first.  They are so happy.  And without a clue for what was in store.  To be continued…

6.26.14 T minus 3 days

                                            

Several decisions had to be made as do with all weddings.  

However, they all had to be calculated because every item either had to be in place and not look like it was there for a wedding or had to be brought out while we were changing.  Here's some of the tricky items we had to plan.  

Communion - to drink wine or not?  

As you can see, we drank.  The communion table was from Gloria's foyer and I love how rustic and charming it looks.  Wayne English incorporated the cross using greenery and the rustic boxes he had in his store.  "Preacher Girl" Dusty brought the bread.  

God bless the goblet.  My mother-in-law Lynn showed us a small communion goblet her preacher brought their entire congregation made out of olive wood from the Holy Land.  I fell in love with it and went on a hunt.  Apparently, the Holy Land only wants people who buy in bulk!  I settled for an Etsy goblet.  It arrived and was pitiful in color.  Suni to the rescue!  She somehow managed to work her magic and it is now displayed in our glass cabinet and I love it!  

The Arbor

Would you notice the random arbor at Spalamar?

It will look just like scenery.

No, it will be so obvious.

People that are there a lot will ask about it.

Shouldn't it be closer to the water?

I'll let your mind wander on who had the final decision on the arbor.  

To croon or not?  

I found my slightly busy schedule for this time last year.  So fun to read and live it all again.  

Tues 6/18 - NYC
Wed  6/19 - NYC
Thur 6/20 - Wanda coming over for fitting - time TBD, Meet with Wayne 3 PM
Fri   6/21 - 1 PM, Anessa practice make up
Sat  6/22 - 10:30 Meet JT's Mom to pick her an outfit for party, 1 PM Practice hair appt in Atlanta, Dragonfly Salon 
Mon 6/24 - Pick up JT's ring/have mine cleaned at Merchandise Mart 
Thur 6/27 - Spalamar practice - 6 PM
Fri 6/28 - 3 PM - Pick up dessert, PM - Suni's house
Sat 6/29 - 11 AM - Hair appt in Atlanta, Dragonfly Salon, 3 PM - Anessa for makeup, 6 PM - Spalamar :)

Out-of-the-box rehearsal dinner

               

Sneak peak of reactions....more tomorrow.  

6.24.14 & 6.25.14 The attire

It's a double entry today!  Between work, our dinner date and a 2 hour support group, time got away yesterday.  

57 days.

57 days to get a wedding dress, suit, engagement party outfit, rings, shoes, earrings, hair, makeup.  Might be a good thing I wasn't of sound mind during this time after all!  

Q.  What does a 41 year old not size 4 bride wear?

A.  Heck if I know.  That's what friends like SC are for.  

Q.  What stores have pull me off the rack and wear me wedding dresses?

A.   Not very many

Q.   What did I end up with?

A.   A size 22 dress which had to be completely remade.

Q.   Who remade my dress?

A.   The amazing Wanda who does Alltogether's alterations and made secretive trips to my house.    

Q.   What shoes does a " I have awful feet and need to walk in grass" bride wear? 

A.   Nude heels scored at Famous Footwear for $11 with a coupon.  My earrings from Nordstrom cost more than my shoes.   

Q.   What does a girl with short hair who also mistakenly let someone who just graduated from cosmo school cut her hair do with it for the big day?

A.   Practice with 2 different people.  I ended up opting to go to Atlanta the day of and have my hair done which was a great solution.  Who knew fake hair could be so expensive?  Such a hard hair decision with hot humid weather and trying to not be too made up pre wedding.  

Q.   Why is there a picture below of a suit with several ties?

A.   Because women all have a different opinion and JT's was different than all of ours.  I am the proud owner of a box of pastel ties in various blues, greens and pinks which were never returned if anyone is in need. 

             

Truly we love how it all played out with our "engagement party" outfits and opting to change into wedding attire.  I'm teary and smiling as I type this.  That says it all.

Sidebar.  I leave support group every week feeling a little more grateful than the last time.  I challenge us all to thank God for blessings we take for granted.  I can't go into detail about specifics I hear weekly but just know this....I am grateful for health insurance, medication, a job, a husband who loves me unconditionally, parents who understand, a will to get well.  

Food for thought.   

  

6.23.14 Anniversary count down

In honor of the week of our 1st Anniversary, I'd like to blog each day and tell our story of how June 29th came to be.  It's harder than you may think for me to tell this story.  I was ill then.  251 days later, I was hospitalized.  I made mistakes during the planning.  I was emotional.  I made decisions not thinking clearly which "clearly" hurt others during this time. Some have understood, some haven't.  That's how this illness works.  We do the best we can.  We hurt, we forgive, we cry, we laugh, we love.     

JT finally got the courage to ask me one day, "How did you feel during our wedding?  Do you remember it?"  As much as his heart has been broken thinking he could have done more, my heart was broken thinking he thought I wasn't all there and in the moment on our special night.  I think we've both proven to each other since then that our love has only grown stronger since June 29th.  

57 days

That's how long it took to plan our wedding.  

And so it began Friday, May 3, 2013 with a phone call and an idea from Gloria.  After talking to JT, the deal was sealed and documented below.    

The hundreds and I mean hundreds of text messages bounced back and forth. Secret Spalamar meetings, secret dress fittings on Maple, secret menus planned, "Engagement" party invites created, a table, bench and arbor from Gloria's house chosen for the ceremony, speeches written, secret meetings with Wayne at Artistic, etc.   

It was super fun when the texts started rolling in like the one above from Anna.  That's when I really knew it was real and we had a short time to plan yet a long time to keep a secret!