Turkey Tears

I've always felt I could give advice but never take my own.  Some folks have zero problem loving themselves enough to post a selfie or 2 or 10.  I'm working on loving myself and with that comes patting myself on the back for achievements.  They can be baby feats or really big ones like hosting Thanksgiving back to back for both of our families on Thursday and Friday.  I cried several times over the weekend.  The troublesome thing for me about my tears flowing was I really didn't know why, no major "trigger" happened.  I cried snapping beans, I cried mixing mac and cheese, I cried pouring sugar for tea and I cried in JT's arms.  I've come to accept that crying can be cleansing and good for us and it's like pushing a reset button to bounce back.  

In the interim, I texted with a friend who said exactly what I needed to hear which leads me to my next topic ... powerful connections.  It's really hard for me to keep up with relationships while I try to heal and recover.  There are a handful of people who understand.  One of the most powerful concepts to me is the feeling of someone being there even if not in person.  Yesterday, I received a text from a friend who asked for a prayer.  I panicked.  I took a deep breath and opened my "Everything is going to be OK" book and flipped through the pages.  I found a prayer I had written down from a book in a dark moment and then expanded it to what I was feeling for my friend.       

Dear God, 

Sometimes the cares of the day seem to multiply, while the blessings fade so quickly.  Our bodies grow tired, and our minds even more tired.  Give ____ the strength you've promised in your Word.  Give ____ the power to take the next step.  Give ____ your grace for we know that in our weaknesses your strength is revealed.  May ____ receive it today.  Help us remember that nothing is going to happen to ____ today that you and _____ can't handle together.  Amen.

Today, I shared this prayer with Olivia, my therapist.  I looked up and tears streamed down her face and mine.  It was then that I realized that being there for each other even if only in spirit, is what it's really all about just like God is always ever present for us.  May we all feel God's love this holiday season.      

Maybe one day I'll take a selfie but rest assured it will stay on my camera roll only.  #ihateselfies 
Meanwhile, enjoy our not so photogenic but loving family photos.   

Sports Illustrated Crying Session

I went to my weekly therapy appointment this morning, had a great session, grabbed some soup to combat the cold, sat down at my desk and began to scroll through twitter to catch up on the tabloids, Auburn hate week, Ferguson drama and any other tidbits I found interesting before digging into work emails.  My husband thanks God daily that he is married to a rare female entity who is obsessed with college football.  Hence, the reason I follow Sports Illustrated.  I was drawn to these two tweets.  I remembered in the back of my mind that Ryan had been dating one of the Bachelor contestants making her suicide headlines for many tabloids.    

http://www.si.com/nba/2014/11/13/ryan-anderson-gia-allemand

Chris BallardVerified account‏@SI_ChrisBallard

For journalists writing about suicide, strongly recommend visiting the AFSP media site: http://www.afsp.org/understanding-suicide/for-the-media … . So many misconceptions

Sports Illustrated @SInow · 3h3 hours ago

Love, Loss & Survival: Ryan Anderson tries to move forward after his girlfriend's suicide http://on.si.com/1zmDPEL 

Honestly, I don't know that I have any tears left after reading this article.  I hope you will all take 5 minutes to read his courageous story.  I try not to take myself back to that dark place ever but when I read a compelling story like Gia's, I see myself and I remind myself how important it is to try to save others.  If you don't have time to read the article, at least read the excerpt below.  I am also bullet pointing what I feel are staggering statistics about suicide.     




I had no idea. It’s a phrase you hear often after a suicide. He seemed happy. She seemed fine. There were literally NO red flags. Rarely if ever is this true. There are almost always warning signs. Research shows that 90% of people who die by suicide suffer from mental disorders or substance abuse. In most cases the condition is untreated. “People are really good at cloaking it, so to a certain percentage of people [suicide] does seem out of the blue,” says Christine Moutier, M.D., chief medical officer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. “But that’s partly because they don’t know what to look for, and partly because mental health problems are so stigmatized that we don’t let on what’s going on inside.”

• In 2011, 39,518 suicide deaths were reported in the US making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. That year, someone in the U.S. died by suicide every 13.3 minutes.

• In 2012, 40,600 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 12.9 minutes.

• At least 90 percent of all people who died by suicide were suffering from a mental illness at the time, most often depression.

• Among people who die by suicide, depression is more common than any other other disorder. Therefore, efforts to educate primary care providers about the diagnosis and treatment of depression are especially important. Research has shown that certain symptoms in the context of  depression raise the risk of suicide. These include intense anxiety, panic attacks, desperation, hopelessness, feeling that one is a burden, loss of interest and pleasure, and delusional thinking.

• In all age groups in the U.S., about 75 to 80 percent of people who die by suicide are male. However, females account for about 75 percent of all non-fatal suicide attempts. 

• Suicides are not more frequent around December holidays. In fact, suicide rates tend to be highest in the spring months, peaking in April, and are below average during the winter months, with the lowest rate in December.

It's not hard to find things to be grateful about this Thanksgiving.  Grateful to be alive, grateful for my caring family, husband and for all the friends who have endured the peaks and valleys and continue to learn about my illness.  I may not always call, write, text back in a timely manner, but...I'm grateful for you more than you know.  

A mental diet

I had full intentions all day to blog about what I thought was a fairly creative title, "I'm losing mental weight but gaining it physically."  I planned on telling everyone how fabulous it is to toss baggage out the window left and right at therapy and group and how much lighter my mind felt and the hell with medicinal weight gain.  But honestly, I'm not there right now.  It's been a weepy afternoon.  It's not one particular thing that makes me sad today.  That's what people don't understand about depression.  I saw this on twitter tonight and Bingo!  Celeb Wayne Brady said, 

"Some days, you don't want to move, you can't move in the darkness," he said of his lowest points. "You're like, 'You know what, I'm just gonna sit right here, and I'm gonna wallow in this. And as much as it hurts, I'm just gonna sit right here, because this is what I deserve. Because I am that horrible of a person.'"

 I listened last week to a girl with a Masters in Counseling say, "I finally know how pure joy feels and I'm so afraid I'll never feel it again."  At the same time, I listened to an older bipolar woman lament about not knowing the difference between being manic and genuinely happy.  Gosh, how do you begin to break that all down and fix it?  It's no wonder people don't understand mental illness.  It's hard for those of us who carry the illness on our backs daily to decipher the highs and lows.  I also listened last week to a woman say, "I will not take another pill.  I will do whatever I have to do to fight this."  It is for heroes like her that I continue to go to support groups and fight for mental illness.  We fight together and merge our strengths, our sadness, our sleeplessness, our happiness, our knowledge, our battles and our courage.  There are those of us who refuse to let the disease beat us and it's inspiring to be among these men and women weekly.         

So, in regard to the mental and physical weight.  I've realized during my recovery that I have two choices, 1. Mire in my life pre March and be overweight with sadness and risk my life, OR 2.  Continue to toss the mental baggage out the window and let my body lose weight when I'm ready.  Clearly, option 2 is the route I am taking.  And to my sweet husband, thank you for truly loving me for who I am...mentally AND physically.    

Life is a flight

Sometimes I think of life as a flight, possibly because I’m on and off a plane every month.  

With each layover, people board.  Some of these people are friends, some are strangers, some are strangers who are soon to be friends.  

Some people deplane and walk down the gateway to walk a different gate for a connection.  

Others stay on the flight and head to the next destination with me.  

During these flights, there are delays, early arrivals and cancellations.  

Life is a lot like that.  Friendships are a lot like that as well.  People arrive in our lives when we least expect them to and they exit the same way.  

A couple of years ago, Dusty Takle came flying into my life and is one of those souls who will ride first class or in the back of the bus all the way to China with you.  Trust me, those are rarities in the travel arena.  The beauty of Dusty is I woke up this morning not knowing it was her birthday.  She’s not a high maintenance friend who “expects” things.  In fact, I go weeks without talking to her, yet I know she is there if I need her.  She just “gets it” and reads humans unlike any person I’ve ever known.  She reads people, signs and circumstances and she answers them magically.  I needed a Dusty in my life in 2012 when I met her to let me know that human magic exists.  I often describe her as my friend that makes me know that loving God can be fun.    

Today Dusty turned 40.  I woke up to a text from another friend who said, "Dusty’s post made me cry.  Good cry.”  I read her post just now and no surprise, I’m crying.  I committed to blog when I feel led or compelled or when I think I can help others with my story.  I personally think every Dusty post is a lesson for us in some form or fashion so I hope you will all read her blog entries.  

Here is a link to her post today and below are my favorites from her, “So this is 40.”

Happy Birthday Dusty!  I may rarely see you, but I know you are there flying around me at all times.  

So This Is 40

1. Don’t put too much weight into a present emotion. Because, you never know how you’re going to feel tomorrow.

8. God is not up there, out there somewhere. He is within me. 

11. It’s okay to simply say, “that’s not going to work for me” without giving further explanation.

13. Gratitude, thankfulness, appreciation, and praise are the keys to EVERYTHING.

14. Pain doesn’t last.

16. Whatever I focus on will expand – whether positive or negative. 

19. Never, ever give up on people.

20. Even when you become frustrated with where someone is in his or her life, don’t stop being their friend. They will get through that rough place. Love them through it instead of pulling back. 

21. When you know you’re wrong, own it. 

22. Say thank you as often as possible. 

23. Chill when life gets interrupted. Accept it. It happens. 

24. Dreading makes everything worse. Don’t dread what you know you already have to do. 

25. If you see a need, and it’s within your means to meet that need, do it. 

26. Give, give, give.

35. Don’t sit alone when you’re down. As hard as it is, call someone. Go be with someone you trust. Just don’t be alone.

36. Whenever you think something good is going to come from telling someone exactly what you think or “finally giving them the what for,” please know, nothing good will EVER come from that. Ever.

37. Don’t close the door to new friendships. 

38. It’s none of my business what other people think of me.

Ass-U-Me

I think I have mentioned The Four Agreements http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319 on my blog before.  It is a book published in 1997 and has sold 5.2 million copies.  I'm still in the midst of reading the book; however, I've had to skip forward to the 3rd agreement which is, Don't Make Assumptions.  God sometimes has a different plan than I do.  I personally like to go 1234 instead of 1324.  I'm making adjustments and life changes and realizing that everything in life isn't ABCD and 1234.     

After you read what #3 is all about, I think you will see that we are all guilty in some form or fashion of assumptions.  The key is figuring out how to break them.  When we assume, we believe we know what others are thinking and feeling.  Don Ruiz also says, "We make the assumption that everybody judges us, abuses us, victimizes us, and blames us the way we do ourselves."  It's almost equivalent in my mind to a compulsive liar.  He or she truly believes that lie.  With assumptions, we believe they are the truth as well.  The next paragraph I read aloud this morning in therapy is life changing for me.          

All of the sadness and drama you have in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. Once we do these two things, we start gossiping about our assumptions. Because we are often fearful of asking for clarification, we make assumptions, and then believe that we are correct in these assumptions. Then, we defend these assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. It is always better to ask questions for clarification because assumptions set us up for suffering.

If I or we all take a step back for a moment and think of any altercation, argument or misunderstanding we have had in the last year, chances are high it involved making assumptions.  We over think things when the reality is we have zero idea what the other person is thinking.  In the arena of being transparent, one of my assumptions lately is a photo of people.  I took that photo and made an illustrious story in my mind of not being liked, they think I'm crazy, they don't want me around, they don't have time for me and I could go on and on.  My point in sharing this is I know I'm not alone.  I heard several stories this week in group with similar scenarios.  It really doesn't have to anything to do with being mentally ill, we all are guilty.  Perhaps my illness exacerbates my assumption level.  

I'm making strides!  I'm trying my best to communicate effectively, ask for clarification and address situations to avoid misunderstandings because you know what they say......  

Every 13.3 minutes, there is another Robin Williams

September was Suicide Prevention Month.  The beginning of October pushed me to feel compelled to share another part of my story.  The battle continues for us all.  Every 13.3 minutes, there is another Robin Williams.  We must not judge from the outside when we know nothing about the inside.  We must all continue to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness and help others feel they can not only ask for help but also receive adequate help. 

  

A day in March....

I remember logging into my Psychiatrist’s practice website to check my appointment status and staring frozen at the words “condition” and “began”. 

How did I get here?  How did my condition become clinical/major depression?  How did I receive a beginning date of 11/1/2001 when I don’t even remember how this even all began?  In a warped way, it was the beginning of solace.  The beginning of understanding all of the sleepless nights, the racing thoughts, the hiding of my sadness, guilt, self loathing, forgetfulness, weight gain and low energy.  Many of my friends and family still struggle with the words, “how could I not have known?”  Honestly, after months of examining myself, I don’t know that I saw the freight train coming either. 

Although I chose to personally disclose my mental illness, I still see myself concerned about others perceptions about me, which in turn, has created anxiety.  This is something I have never struggled with before.  My recovery has had peaks and valleys and honestly has been uncomfortable at times.  Self-examination isn’t fun.  I am at times at war with myself.  Personal disclosure was important for me but at the same time, it still causes frustration in the overall explanation of mental illness and depression.  How can I explain to others what I don’t even understand at times?

I remember saying to my Doctor, “I have no reason to be unhappy.  I love my husband.  He loves me.  I’m a newlywed.  We have a new house.  My parents love me.  I have wonderful friends.  I have a job I truly love.  I am so blessed.”  As I was saying all of those things, there weren’t enough tissues in his office to wipe my tears. 

Are you me? 

Do you have a friend that you think is me? 

Please ask for help.  It’s okay to count your blessings if you are me, but it’s also okay not to hide your sadness.  There is help available.  There is recovery.  There is hope.  I am hope.    

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Insta Monday

If you read my blog regularly, you are in the know how much I believe in positivity.  I'm not always successful radiating it from myself but I try to always surround myself with it via friends, social media, work, family and church.  Instagram has become one of my favorite mediums for positivity, especially on a Monday morning.  My two favorites from this morning are below.  Once again, a true example of how we never know what we put out there is affecting others.  Dusty Takle and Jennifer Meyer affected me this morning.  Hey, maybe Jen will send me some jewelry for the mention (a girl can always hope!)

Depression is a bastard

It's been a while... I have immersed myself into my job, successfully spent a week in NYC for market and am beyond thrilled for my favorite season of the year to arrive.  College football is up and running at Bethany Bend on the back porch!  Therapy, support groups, football, Nashville and Scandal are all on the docket for the next few weeks.  

I have struggled to explain depression to people.  A rather long article was in the Huffington Post not too long ago and it touched me beyond belief.  Such an accurate description.  I wanted to share a few parts which I found to be profound.  Happy first week of Fall to all!  

The media portrays depression as sadness. It doesn't portray the screaming and self-harm and trips to the hospital at 3 a.m. It doesn't portray the entire truth. It's hard to watch the people you love the most sit at the bottom of a very large dark hole and remain helpless and on the edge looking down with no safety rope to pull them out.

Depression, anxiety, OCD, bipolar, eating disorders -- if you look around right now I bet half of the people surrounding you are fighting one of these silent battles. They are soldiers, and like anyone fighting a disease they deserve compassion and recognition. People with mental illness are sick and engaged in a battle every day with life.

Depression is a bastard. It crawls inside of you and debilitates every dream and aspiration you've ever had. It incapacitates your basic function and controls every aspect of who you are. You can't hide from it when you want to, and you can't explain it to anyone else. It's not even just sadness, it's physical pain and passiveness. The world around you keeps moving and you are there, remaining still and lethargic. That's the thing about depression -- it's silent, and it doesn't care if you are black or white, male or female, rich or poor. You can be standing on a train next to someone reading a book and that person could be screaming inside, clinging on to their last hope of life. 

Something needs to change. Something has to change. It's hard to live in a society that has sadness for cancer and shame for suicide.

Alaina Baker - Huffington Post

Surround yourself with happy

If there's one thing I can "double confirm" since March 7th, I exist best in a positive environment - positive things, positive people are best for me.  

I've also learned to surround myself with things to make me smile when I'm feeling blue.  I'm encouraging you to do the same.  A few nutty examples are below of things I have on my phone and right beside my desk to make me smile through tears.  

Apparently Kid

Support

Sparing the personal details, it was a tiring day in our family Tuesday.  After a long work day, the last thing we wanted to do was drive through 400 traffic to an hour and a half support group in Dunwoody.  I've often thought that some of my favorite times in life are when I didn't want to do something but end up having fun when I least expect to.  While I wouldn't call a support group necessarily "fun", it was a powerful group and night.  

I'll share at random a few things I learned.  I'm sharing these things to encourage anyone who may be reading this who is in fear of going to a support group alone to hopefully push you in the direction of attending.  Whether it be AA, NA, Al-anon, divorce, grief, weight loss, etc., there is power in numbers of people who share your illness.  You are not alone.  


1.  It is empowering to help others with my experience.

2.  It is okay to ask for help.  

3.  I can cry and break down and not feel judged.  

4.  Reward system -  I showered today -- gold star!  I made a to do list - gold star!  Rewarding ourselves for the little things and big things in life.   

5.  Meds, Food, Spirituality, Sleep, Exercise - 5 important items to focus on.  

6.  Mood disorder caregivers need an outlet too.  

7.  Hedonic treadmill - yes, the term exists.  Google it.  

8.  Support from others is vital to wellness.  

9.  It is courageous to walk into a room of strangers.  

10.  DBSA is a nonjudgmental, supportive atmosphere which I am grateful my husband found.   Links are below for DBSA and for the Atlanta & Johns Creek chapters.  

Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance

Atlanta DBSA

DBSA Johns Creek