Feel to heal

Funny how a new day brings a new perspective.  I have finally found a new therapist and she is simply amazing!  It is a joy to see her each week.  I printed out my "Overwhelmed" blog from this week and was armed mentally to discuss it at length.  She said, "Natalie, it's just a feeling."  Hmmmm, yes, it was just a feeling.  I'm using it as a verb.  I'm almost fixated on the act of being overwhelmed.  It is only temporary  -- a temporary feeling.  

I turned on my phone at the end of our session yesterday to be met with the news that Maya Angelou passed away.  My therapist and I both lamented and talked about what a wonderful person she was and how much wisdom she left behind and how sad Oprah must be.  I read off my phone a Maya quote to her, "I did then what I knew how to do.  Now that I know better, I do better."  How appropriate is that?  My last few months I truly did only what I knew how to do with the mindset I had which was ill and cloudy.  I know better now.  I must do better.  I will do better.  I am doing better.  

I then returned home and a friend texted me a Maya Angelou quote, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."  Amen!  That has been my ongoing chapter since March 7th.  I am bearing the untold story of my soul.  My therapist said yesterday, "Natalie, you have to feel to heal."   Lastly, I found this quote quite compelling.  I am working daily to change the way I think about things.  It is magical to be able to change a negative thought into a positive.   

There were people who went to sleep last night, 
poor and rich and white and black, 
but they will never wake again. 

And those dead folks would give anything at all 
for just five minutes of this weather 
or ten minutes of plowing. 

So you watch yourself about complaining. 

What you're supposed to do 
when you don't like a thing is change it. 
If you can't change it, 
change the way you think about it.” 
― Maya Angelou

Google Maya Angelou quotes.  No wonder I have always liked her.  Many of my favorite quotes are hers and I didn't even realize it.  

Overwhelmed

For two homebodies, we packed in a lot of stuff in the Memorial Day weekend including a neighborhood pool party, a trip to Griffin, a family pool party, a visit with my parents, Church, dinner and a store visit with my Chinese vendor, dinner at our neighbors and some household chores.  It makes me tired just typing the list.  All in all, a pretty successful and fun long weekend.  In the interest of honest and full promised blogging disclosure, I did have a hiccup along the way.  That dang word overwhelm crept up again.  According to Merriam Webster, here is the definition.    

over·whelm

 verb \ˌō-vər-ˈhwelm, -ˈwelm\

: to affect (someone) very strongly

: to cause (someone) to have too many things to deal with

: to defeat (someone or something) completely   

Saturday and Sunday I had things that I let overwhelm me.  I cried.  I let it defeat me for a little while, but not for long.  Why?  Because I checked in.  If there is one single thing I hope people get out of this post and my blog, it is the importance of communication and getting things off your chest.  The check in process in our house has helped us instrumentally.  Months ago, I would have kept it in and let it manifest into other problems had I not had an open, honest forum with JT to discuss the 2 issues.       

One of the hardest things to do is give into the fact we cannot control what others say, we can only control our reaction to what they say.  We are all guilty of talking before we think -- some more than others. (#justsayin)  

I don't think I realized the extent of my anxiousness of being around people I haven't seen in a long time.  I didn't realize it because I have been so open and forthright in my blog about my illness, my suicide attempt (yes, I said that, so so hard to type and say) and my recovery.  I think part of the anxiousness is how much I've learned about how others truly don't understand depression and mental illness as a whole.  It's self induced anxiety on my part.  Truly, it is.   

Check in.  Today I am feeling loved, loving the weather, curious as to what the support group will have in store for tonight and happy it is a 4 day work week.  How are you?  Check in!  


  

Grumpy Smurf

I've been traveling extensively about 12 years and seen a lot -- Europe, Asia and our good old US of A. I've come across some really kind heart warming people. I've had my picture made with Honey Boo Boo, sat next to Dominique Wilkins and chatted and experienced some really cool things and celebrities. Today I experienced my worst travel day.  No it wasn't a delay, I'm used to those. It wasn't lost luggage, been there done that.  It involved the old adage "sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  I disagree.

I arrived at La Guardia just in the nick of time to hop on an hour earlier flight. I got a middle seat but I was pleased with 34E because it was less time on the tarmac and in the airport.  And then along comes Grumpy.  Grumpy was "entitled" to the space above our row. Grumpy was entitled to move other peoples things so hers would fit. Grumpy was entitled not to say excuse me when she crushed my toe getting in. Grumpy was entitled to slam the back of the mans seat and hit his arm when he tried to put his seat back. Grumpy was entitled to tell me NO! when I put down the arm rest in between us. Grumpy was entitled to hit me at random with her knee and her elbow as she played candy crush while chugging wine she grabbed from her purse.  Are you sensing a theme here?

The final blow was upon landing.  As usual people think the entire plane can get up at once and their luggage will miraculously fly down and all fit in the aisle. I myself prefer to hang out in my seat until it's my turn to deplane. Grumpy wasn't having that. Grumpy said I need to get out. Mind you we are in row 34 with 33 rows ahead. 33x6=198 peeps. I kindly said I can't move. She yelled I need my bag. I said I'm sorry but there's nowhere for me to stand. Grumpy screamed I have a bad knee.  I breathed deep and said ma'am I'm so sorry to hear about your knee but I simply cannot get up there is no place for me to stand. Grumpy threw her final stone. She screamed at me I should have been in first class and not having to put up with this shit and nobodies like you. OUCH!  I felt the burn the bruise the tears.

Then out of the blue my guardian angel appeared. Around the age of 17-18 he said ma'am what does your bag look like and I will be happy to hand it to you. Now here you go and please know I cannot move nor can she as she indicated. Smack goes Grumpy's bag hard against my leg with a move over I need room.

Finally time to deplane. I swallowed hard and tried my darnedest not to cry.  I get into the hallway and my angel says are you okay? I said yes thanks for extending your kindness for us both. He said don't let her get to you.   All we can do is be kind and set a Christian example and one day people like her may see the light. Wow!

I let Grumpy get the best of me but I also let a 17 year old make me check myself before I wrecked myself.  Happy much needed long weekend ahead to you all!  May we all not throw rocks at things that shine.  xo n

Dear John

We are finally having a few rooms in our house painted.  Yahoo!  I'm not excited at all.  So disturbing that I have the colors sea salt, sockeye and french grey memorized.  I have told JT it's the taupe paint in every single room of this house that made me mentally ill.  In all seriousness, super excited to have some color change since I work from home and see this house almost 24/7.  This has made me do some reorganizing and merging of files.  Lo and behold, my blue Peachford folder popped up in the organizing.  I flipped through all of the pages and got chills when I ran across some song lyrics and a page of Bible verses.  

Per my previous entry, Girl, Interrupted I arrived at The Peach on a bleak Saturday with almost zero sleep.  I can assure you Sunday morning I wasn't feeling much better.  Reality had set in big time accompanied by a big headache and withdrawal symptoms due to changing of medications.  I never in a million years thought I would know how an addict in detox felt but I somewhat have an indication now.  One of the MHA's yelled, "If you are going, line up for church!"  I sunk down into my chair.  I didn't have the energy or mental fortitude to go to church.  I was hurting so bad and was in a strange place with complete strangers.  God had a different plan.  My sweet friend "S" came over to me and said, "Come on Natalie.  You are going with me.  We can do this together.  We need this.  We need Him."  Indeed, we did.    

So on that Sunday morning, March the 9th, in a gym I worshipped with men and women in pain, in grief, in confusion, in anger and any other negative emotion you could think of.  On a tiny CD player that reminded me of 7th grade, the below song by Mandisa played that touched me like no other has in a very long time.  I won't type all of the lyrics, just the several that gave me chills.  


Dear John, How you doin' 
I've been thinking about you
I'm not sure how to say it, but I've been praying daily 
for some kind of breakthrough

I've said this a thousand times
And I know you don't see my side
But I do it 'cause I love you
So, dear John here's the truth....

There's freedom
On the other side of
Things that keep us tied up and afraid
There's hope in every situation
No matter what you're facing every day.  

Dear John, People hurt you
And you know I've been hurt too
There's no way to escape it, 
Don't let your pain be wasted 
No, don't let it get the best of you

'Cause God took my broken parts
And gave me a brand new start
Now I am walking, breathing, living proof
And, dear john, He can do this for you.  

Dear John Video

That song along with the woman from a Dunwoody church got me through that day.  She held my hands as I cried and prayed for me and one of the things she said was, "Natalie, every morning we get a fresh batch of mercy."  

I am walking, breathing, living proof.  xo, n

Attitude determines altitude

If you were one of the many who darkened the doors of Jean Ann O'Neal's 7th grade Science room, you were greeted with one of her favorite quotes, "Attitude determines altitude."  I don't think until recently I understood the gravity of that quote.  A positive attitude is so big, so defining in life.  I think an eye opening difference for me is when a positive person enters my life.  It's contagious.  

I found myself reaching and grasping for positive things before my hospitalization.  I texted a friend about sending me the "Power of Positive Thinking" CD since I couldn't attend the classes.  I knew then I excelled around positivity.  I was too weak at the time to attain it on my own.  Now that I have clarity, I'm amazed at how well I function around happy souls.  Our attitude has a profound effect on our physical, spiritual and mental well being.  For me I have learned a few guidelines and to exit stage left if I find myself feeling emotionally affected, exhausted, guilty, ashamed, in "rescue or fix mode" with people.  It isn't productive for either party.  

I took some notes at The Peach which I found to be so enlightening on this topic.  

My situation is not......

permanent (things WILL get better)
pervasive (my whole life isn't ruined)
personal (my problem is an unfortunate circumstance, not my fault)

Exchange attitude for gratitude.  It works every time, hands down.  

Happy Monday!   xo, n

    

The Coolest Gift

Short but sweet post today.  
Most of you know I'm a twitter girl in the morning and at night. 
Was so excited to scroll through and find this post from Ann Voskamp.  
I'm always in search of the perfect gift, not necessarily monetarily perfect, just memorable and I think this fits the bill for Mother's Day. 
A cute jar from Hobby Lobby, some burlap ribbon and voila - perfection! 
A Grateful Jar for a Great Mom!  

https://s3.amazonaws.com/a.voskamp/BlogFiles/GratitudeNotesForAGratefulJar.pdf

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/04/when-you-need-mothers-day-gift-thats-honest-powerful-healing-free-printable/

Gratitude & Perspective

What defines you? 
If someone asks you that question, what would you say? 
A mother? A sister? A daughter? A friend? A teacher? A runner? 

Yesterday in therapy, I made the statement that I was concerned about being defined by depression.  "Don't let that happen.  You are so much more than that Natalie."  Yes, I am.  We are all so much more than our mental health diagnosis, our jobs, our daily roles.  I am a child of God and a wife who happens to suffer from depression.  It's all about how I choose to prioritize who I am.  Don't let others decide who you are.  Decide for yourself! 

Right now I am in the depths of recovery so it's hard not to let depression define me or my marriage.  However, I am aware.  Awareness is key.  I am aware that one day I won't be focused on therapy, support groups, research, blogs.  I am also aware that experiencing pain makes me appreciate joy even more.  I have a friend I text with every morning and we both say, Good morning, today I am grateful for.......  It holds me accountable.  It makes me start each day with a positive.  I'm here to tell you there are some mornings I want to grumble and send a complaint.  But, I don't.  Gratitude.  

I made the statement Saturday to my parents and JT, "I wouldn't trade what I've been through for anything.  I feel amazing and so much better than I ever knew I could."  They all 3 looked at me like I was an alien.   Mercy!  They would trade all of the worry, guilt and sleepless nights I'm sure.  Perspective. 

I am not my depression.

xo...n      

Shades of Grey

If your car Mercedes needed new brakes, would you take it to the Ford dealership to be fixed?  If your arm was broken would you go to a Cardiologist to have it set?  No and No!  I make these comparisons in the same way I feel about going to your General Practitioner aka Primary Care Physician, instead of a Psychiatrist for anti-depressants.  I should add a disclaimer that this entry is strictly based on my opinion and experiences alone.  I don't claim to be a med guru or know what's best for everyone.  I can only relate what has not and what is working for me.      

Most everyone I know pops these pills like candy.  We all want a quick fix.  Heck, I wanted a quick fix and was starving to feel better.  Coping skills are not necessary anymore - you can pop a Xanax every time you feel "uncomfortable" or a Paxil when you are sad about something that actually should make you sad.  It saddens me to see children watching their parents manage their lives with pills.  I was fortunate to grow up in a house where my parents only took antibiotics when prescribed.  I didn't even know the terms Xanax, Hydrocodone or Prozac until I was in my thirties.  

I see the real problem here is that doctors are prescribing the meds but not making the diagnosis.  I'll tell you that I was on many different antidepressants over the years and was never told I was "clinically depressed", "severely depressed" or any type of diagnosis.  It was basically me walking in and saying I feel x, y and z and twenty minutes later I walked out the door with prescription "a" praying it worked with minimal side effects.  I saw the prescription as a possible ray of hope to help with my mood and I was raised to have respect for doctors and do what they recommend as a patient.  

I strongly believe that if your GP or PCP has given you a prescription for an antidepressant without a recommended follow up to a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Licensed Counselor, they are providing you an inferior level of care.  I also believe if you aren't given a preliminary mental disorder diagnosis with your prescription, they have not completed their job.    

My two prescriptions I take every morning are not candy, nor are they cure-alls for my illness.  My Doctor and "The Peach" both echo the sentiment that the 2 tried and true aids in depression are pharmacology and forms of talk therapy.  How did I know I was on the right combination of medications along with the right therapy?  I can say I vividly recall the day I looked up and suddenly saw how blue the sky was and that I could see color again in the world.  How amazing to know the sky isn't always a shade of grey.    

Happy Monday....xo, n