Put it on the shelf

There's a fine line for me in recovery...

between prioritizing personal space and withdrawal
between overeating and nourishment
between staying up late on the weekends and getting important sleep
between feeling strong enough for a crowd and not anticipating what others will say

I've noticed I seem to "toe the line" often.  

I won't deny that sometimes it would be much easier to hole up in my comfy bed with a box of cookies, stay up late watching Y&R and turn off my phone.  
As delightful as that all may sound, it's the depression talking.  

Sometimes other people make life way more stressful than it needs to be.  We all react differently.  I react with avoidance.  I make assumptions which can be dangerous for all involved.  I take minor things and make them major in my mind.  This is why I have professionals involved in my life to help guide me and make important decisions about what I need to shelve and what I need to address.  Shelving.  It's an important word.  Really it's important for all of us if you think about it logically.  There are some people in life who thrive on stress and negativity.  It keeps them relevant and needed.  Needing space from a person or a situation doesn't mean you have to stop caring or loving that person.    

It's really Life 101 if you think about it quickly.  Positive people are happier.  Negative Nancy's are miserable.  In recovery, we learn to re frame negative thoughts into positive ones.  It only makes sense to marry that with people who are affirmative, positive, and accepting.  I don't want to hear negative things about other people.  I'm battling daily not to talk negative about Natalie.  Shelving.  Here's to the first week of summer!  May we all work on shelving the negatives and living the positives.  

    

Misunderstood

What does Natalie have to be sad about?  I don't understand.   
Snap out of it!  
She smiles all of the time.  I'm floored at this!  It makes zero sense.    

All 3 of the above statements are ones I've heard about myself since I've been out of "The Peach."  Sadly, I'm realizing it's a "trigger" for me.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I have a husband who clearly loves me unconditionally, a nice home, a job I love, two adorable rescue kittens, a family on both sides who love me, and friends I can count on.  

Trust me, if I could snap out of it, I would.  

I googled "how to make someone understand depression."  Here's the first pop up.  Maybe it will help people get it.  I don't know.  

Depression, also known as major depression, clinical depression or major depressive disorder is a medical illness that causes a constant feeling of sadness and lack of interest. Depression affects how the person feels, behaves and thinks.

Depression can lead to emotional and physical problems. Typically, people with depression find it hard to go about their day-to-day activities, and may also feel that life is not worth living.

What is depression?

Feeling sad, or what we may call "depressed", happens to all of us. The sensation usually passes after a while. However, people with a depressive disorder - clinical depression - find that their state interferes with daily life.

For people with clinical depression, their normal functioning is undermined to such an extent that both they and those who care about them are affected by it.

I had a counselor years ago tell me that Depression was "swallowed anger."  I didn't believe that.  I now do.  

Today, I am angry.  

Marriage at 92

Yesterday our sermon was not necessarily a typical Father's Day message I would have expected in a southern Methodist church.  The Preacher told a story about an 88 year old friend who recently married a 92 year old woman.  When he asked why they married at their age, her reply was, "because I want to have a baby."  I can't pull off the joke nearly as well as the Preacher and my husband is currently rolling his eyes as he reads this.  In all seriousness, her reply was, "because we love each other and our lives aren't over."  Yes, a tear rolled down my face.    

The story touched me so much because I think sometimes we are all guilty of rushing through life and not enjoying the moment, if you will.  I know many times I focus on the plane ride home rather than the actual time I'll spend on my trip.  Many times I focus on what is going to happen rather than enjoying the present.  Death is inevitable.  Why focus on dying instead of living?  No matter if we are 50, 70, 90 or 100, we all have many things to contribute to the world and life.  In some ways, since March 7th, I feel like my life just began.  The Preacher also said it doesn't matter if we are 9 or 90, a death is a crisis.  The lesson for me was to soak up all we can with our spouse, our parents, our family and our friends. 
Life is short!  Live and love it!  

Friday Trifecta

Happy Friday!  

Anyone who is involved in my life recently knows I attend both therapy weekly along with 2 different support groups.  I've been doing a lot of analyzing this week and 3 points came to light I wanted to share in hopes this will help you or someone you know.  

1.  It didn't happen overnight. 
     Oh the struggle of getting out of bed, concentrating on work, self-critical thoughts, shame, guilt.  All of these are things I have struggled with daily for a long time.  Small steps today for me = big steps.  "I am here."  That is big.  Reminding myself of the positives is positive.  Healing takes time.        

2.  Keeping a lid on it.
     I read such a great quote in my research.  "Remember that others, even the ones who love you the most, aren't psychic and may still be operating on old information."  I'm fortunate to have people in my life who ask me what I need and how they can help while I'm working on my recovery.  Your Doctor and Therapist are only as good as the information you tell them.  Be open.   

3.  Lifetime illness.
     In group this week a lady frustratingly stated, "I'm tired of this!  I don't want it anymore."  Well, join the crowd.  I'm sure many don't want cancer, diabetes and other illnesses.  Be self-aware.  Don't miss medications, therapy sessions or Doctor appointments just because you feel better.  Cancer patients don't miss chemo treatments.  I read several medical documents stating that research shows if you stick to your treatment plan, you can become symptom-free.  Respect the seriousness of your illness.  

  

I am here

I struggled a bit this week because I read some old journals to my therapist.  I think it was the first time I felt the magnitude and gravity of the word suicide.  I've been calling it the "s" word in my mind.  I read about others suicides or attempts and think to myself, "Oh gosh that is terrible -- how much pain she must have been in to do that."   Helllooo?!?!  I was her.  I'm that person when I look in the mirror.  Like I said in a previous blog, we have to feel to heal.  I don't believe we can fully recover until we acknowledge things.  Hiding an addiction, an illness, problems are simply not healthy for anyone involved.  The below image jumped out at me on Pinterest.  Today I'm giving myself a pat on the back for working hard in recovery.  I'm exhausted but I feel accomplished.      

At our support group this week, a lady said, "Y'all may have just saved my life tonight."  

Someone replied to her, "You are here."

I am here.   

Iphone Camera Roll Call

I had a really rough week last week, my worst since being dismissed from "The Peach."  I hate to admit and write that down because I feel like I'm giving it "legs" or labeling "it" to make "it" have life.  I'm not really sure that I can pin point one solitary thing that made last week so rough.  I know I was pretty weepy in therapy as I uncovered some guilt, a friendship I miss, some shame.  Purging can be rough stuff.  I haven't had knots in my neck like I had this weekend in months and months.  Stress can manifest itself in ways physically and mentally in me like a fungus!  

I'll be pretty blunt with y'all.  I have 2 drafts in my blog I started on today.  The first was about boundaries.  The second was about the "greater good."  That's the beauty of writing, journaling, therapy and healing.  God always guides us in the direction He feels we need to go -- clearly, boundaries and the greater good will have to wait for another day, another time.

Assuming most of you have iPhones.  Open your camera roll.  Scroll through, pick 10 different photos or videos.  Close your eyes for each photo/video and reflect on what each of them mean to you.  I am praying you laugh, cry tears of happiness and smile as big as I did this morning.  Below are my ten and what they mean to me.  All are a reminder for me to grab this week by the horns and better myself and live life to the fullest!  


1.  A pure reminder of getting the help I needed and not feeling tired anymore.  

2.  A reminder that even on a bad day, all 4 of the boys in my life love me unconditionally.

3.  My favorite lesson my wise friend taught me.  

4.  A sweet, sweet reminder.

5.  A favorite verse.  

6.  A screenshot of a partial text from a friend who has no idea how meaningful her message was to me.  

7.  A verse Angie Morton texted JT while I was in The Peach along with an exercise of coming up with an inspirational quote using faith and hope I had to do with another patient in group at The Peach.    

8.  A note I wrote on my phone almost a month to the day of my hospitalization.  

9.  A note I started writing last July and added to on April 19th about our wedding night.  

10.  Fainting Goat!  Truly, I had tears of laughter streaming down my face thinking about the weekend of fainting goat.  

In summary, when you are sad, having a bad day, look around you.  There is always something to be grateful for, to make you smile, to make you laugh.  Chances are, it's all right there in your iPhone camera roll.  

Hmmm I forgot what I had to tell you....

770-227-7115
Praise God from whom all blessings flow...
1 cup of sugar for sweet tea

All 3 of the above items are ones which should be engraved in my memory bank.  Yet all 3 are items I've forgotten many times and just stared ahead.  It embarrasses me.  I ride the airport park and ride because I can't afford the time it takes to walk around the parking garage at Hartsfield trying to figure out where I parked.  I am a horrible story teller - just ask my husband who has to high jack my stories half way through them due to my rambling and forgetfulness mid sentence.    

My issue is I have 2 bouts of viral meningitis under my belt combined with clinical depression.  Sort of a recipe for a memory melt down.  What compelled me to write about this topic is the show Scandal.  I love to binge watch a show and honestly part of the reason is because it helps me to piece together the episodes so I don't forget them week to week.  Mid way through one of the episodes last night I asked JT, "Did I watch Scandal pre or post hospitalization?"  It was pre.  I felt a sigh of relief.  I couldn't have recapped Seasons 1 and 2 in a proper manner if I tried.  I talk often about knowing I'm on the right medication combo.  My memory improvement and lack of confusion is just one more indication, my Psychiatrist is on target with me. 

Just some food for thought to take into consideration if you have people in your life suffering from a mental illness, dementia, TBI or Alzheimer's.  

• We often feel like we can't focus when giving or receiving instructions.  This leads to misunderstandings at home and work.  If often makes us feel "stupid" although we are far from stupid.  

• We often find it impossible to comprehend what we read which leads to a lack of enjoyment in not remembering the latest James Patterson or Emily Giffin beach read of the month.  Hence, the frustration of not being able to discuss it with friends.  You can forget about a Book Club!  

• We often lose our train of thought and cannot focus.  Be understanding when half way through a story, we cannot finish it due to not remembering.  

• We often find it difficult to focus on a task when others things are going on around us.  Example:  TV has to be muted for me to have a phone conversation or a conversation in that same room with someone.  Some perceive the distraction to be a lack of consideration for what they are trying to talk about.  I promise it isn't personal.  

Finally, a few tips I have put into play from research and discussion with my Psychiatrist and therapist.  

• Don't answer your phone if you know you will be distracted when talking.  Voicemail is there for a reason.  

• Make a daily to do list and cross them off as completed for a sense of accomplishment and to keep you on task.  

• Write everything down!  I cannot tell you how many times I thought I would remember that 10 am appointment when I got to my car only to have to call the office back to confirm.  

• Have a set place at home to put car keys, sunglasses, cell phone charger and things you use daily.  

• Take detailed notes during a meeting and leave nothing to chance thinking you will remember it later.  If in doubt, write it down!  

• If at all possible, have conversations in a quiet area with minimal distractions.  

• And finally, be honest.  If you are having a hard time focusing, say so.  It may prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.