Walking on eggshells

When I committed to putting fingers to the keyboard and hitting the "Publish" button, I committed to honesty and raw emotion.  Today will be just that.  How I have known this blog was the right thing for me was that it wasn't a chore or on my "to do" list plus it was encouraged by my Doctor and Therapist.  It came so natural and I couldn't type fast enough.  Yesterday and today, not so much.  

I'm not a fan of the terminology, "walking on eggshells."  How many times have you ever heard it used in a positive connotation.  Me?  Never!  I've been guilty myself of using it often and although I haven't been in the living rooms of my friends and family recently, I fear it's been used in reference to me and my illness.  I feel certain people feel they have to walk on eggshells when they speak to me.  I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way.  I don't really know a solution at this point.  I can at least offer a list of the 5 steps I have gone through and am still going through to shed light over the last several weeks and where I am now.     

Diagnosis
Treatment Planning
Early Recovery
Recovery & Maintenance
Relapse Prevention

I'll speak on the recovery and maintenance stage since that's where I'm living at the moment.  It's a few steps forward and a few back and a really uneasy time.  It takes just that....time.  In a fast paced world, that is a rarity we are afforded.  Time combined with persistence and patience.  That's a tough trio.  The toughest part for me so far in this stage are the absolute polar opposites of the good days and bad days.  When they are good, they are great!  When they are bad, they suck!  What makes me proud though is that I now know they are just that, a couple of bad days and I have the tools to combat them.  

Look, I'd be lying if I said this isn't hard.  I fear I've painted a rosy picture on some of my blog entries of recovery.  I currently have 5 voice mails from friends in a panic because I didn't call or text them back in 2 days.  It isn't them, it's me.  One of which is my sweet friend "S" who was in "The Peach" with me and said she was on her way from Athens if I didn't answer my phone.  Trust me, she wasn't kidding!  It's exhausting in this stage of my recovery because I feel so much is expected of me and quite frankly, I'm expecting it of myself as well.  Waking up, eating because I have to in order to take my meds, showering because I have to because working in my pajamas is sign of depression, answering emails, compiling a to do list, diving head first back into work because they honestly need me and the business suffered while I was away, leaving the house for lunch or an errand b/c it's unhealthy for me to stay home all day, Therapy appointments, Support groups, calls from parents, texts from friends, planning dinner, quality time with JT, laundry, etc. etc.  And as much as the people around me feel like they are walking on eggshells, I feel like I'm being viewed through a microscope.  Viewed and expected for every single day to be a good one.  That's a tough act and I don't know of any pill or Doctor that can pull that one off.    

I always like to end on a positive note.  The one word that comes to mind is HOPE.  When I knew I was getting better and that "every little thing was gonna be alright," my check in at group was, "My name is Natalie T and I'm feeling hopeful because my mind feels whole again and I feel loved."  

Hope and Love...

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain:  faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.