Keep On the Sunny Side

I want to have full transparency in my writing, however, it's really hard to do that at times.  Last night and this morning are difficult.  I'm uncovering just how sick I really was.  It frightens me.  It shakes me to my core.  It scares me in not being able to remember things.      

JT said in one of our support group meetings recently to another member,  that he realizes for me it's about moving forward, it's about not visiting the past, it's about the future.  That is oh so true.  However, there are little tiny demons who show themselves every now and then to remind me of the past and how I wasn't my true self and how deep in a hole I really was.  I'm working through them minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week.  I told him last night, the good days far outweigh the bad.  They truly do and I know that I am more grateful than ever for them.  I do see the sun, the flowers, the love and I hadn't seen any of those things for a really long time.  I probably frustrated a lot of people in my dark period.  I am on the sunny side again and I am grateful for the people who crossed over with me and remain.  

May we all see the sun even through the rain today.  xo....n

Digital Detox

Question:  You've mentioned several times about not spending so much time on technology/social media.  How do you do it?  How do you break away?  What did you learn at "The Peach" or since then about how to "unplug" and what the consequences are when you don't?  

How do I do it? 
I leave my phone in the bathroom plugged in every night when I go to bed.  That way I can hear it if I get an emergency call.  I've started going to bed a lot earlier than I used to so I am essentially "unplugging" some nights as early as 9:00-9:30 pm to get in bed and watch TV.  I don't really allow myself the luxury of the phone in bed with me.  I do keep my iPad on some nights to read articles, scroll through twitter and play a nutty game or two.  Sleep is imperative for me.  Lack of = trigger.    

How do you break away? 
It is a conscious daily effort on my part.  It is also out of respect for who I am with.  It annoys me at times but JT is pretty dang accurate when he says, "Be with me/us."  He says that when I or someone else is on their phone for an extended period of time at the table, etc.  Honestly, it is rude and it is essentially saying I'm much more interested in this than I am anything you have to say.  It actually feels good to leave my phone in my purse at the dinner table so I am not feeling so "ADD" looking at it, my food, my drink and trying to talk.  For someone with kids, my advice is to key in a specific ring tone for their texts and calls so you know it is them and not something else that may not require your immediate attention.  Take FB off of your phone.  Only log in to FB on your actual computer.  Is your life really affected by not knowing that "x" went to Cross fit this morning and that "y" is seeing the beach sunset this evening?  Taking a sabbatical made me realize just how much I was on it -- at a red light, in the bathtub, at the Doctor's office, anytime I had a free moment.  Take a piece of paper with you throughout the day and make a tick mark every time you pick up your phone to check it.  You will be amazed!  I'm loving my support groups because for 2 hours I don't have a phone because it isn't allowed.  Such a nice diversion to actually be in a place where you HAVE to focus on the people talking without a phone distraction.             

What are the consequences when I don't?  
Work/Life balance is imperative for me.  I still struggle with it daily.  I happen to have bosses in a different time zone paired with China's time difference and it can be disastrous for me in working late.  I am still trying to master it all.  I'm not perfect.  I'm not saying I never pick up my cell phone.  I am saying I am trying to make a conscious effort to not feel so "connected" to it so I am tuned in to other things and people.  I do know it helps my marriage and spending quality time with 2 of us and not having that 3rd and 4th person interrupting.         

I'll end on an extremely personal note to explain why we don't rely on texts as our primary means of communication any longer.  

On the morning of March 7th while sitting in the parking lot of Cumberland Psychiatric crying my eyes out, I texted JT and said, "Adele (my therapist at the time) doesn't think I need to go to California on Sunday."  His reply, "We have to work."  We were both "lost in translation."  Had we spoken on the phone he would have heard that I was crying and perhaps I could have explained the crisis I was in at the time.  His reply to me was accurate.  We both have to work and don't have the luxury of just saying, hmmm I don't really want to fly to California and meet with this buyer today.  He had no idea at all the state of mind I was in and in all fairness, wouldn't have because my texts weren't showing emotion at all.  That night, I was laying in the ER at North Fulton Regional.    

In summary, I'm not saying I don't text or use my phone a lot.  I do it daily.  I just know I've gotten my baby feelings hurt in the past over lack of replies from friends, the trite response of "k", a misconstrued tone, a sarcastic joke.  I'm improving in this arena by leaps and bounds.  It is a challenge but I'm up to the task.  

I've fought worse battles and won.  xo, n       


  

I will not act like a jackass

In the interest of full disclosure, it is Monday, it is raining, it is the day after an amazing weekend my husband surprised me with.  I do not want to write much less work.  The good news is I have been holding in my arsenal this blog entry Angie wrote.  We are friends for many reasons.  I think one of my favorite reasons is our sheer honesty with one another.  I remember typing a text to her months ago when she asked how I was one day.  I think I said something along the lines of, "Doing great."  A while later I recall typing, "I lied.  I'm not doing great.  I'm suffering."  I knew it.  I just didn't know the extent of it. 

Her honesty is below.  It is her "first" blog post she wrote when I originally asked her to write one and she stressed herself out over the entire assignment.  I'm smiling and shaking my head back and forth as I type this.  Why?  Because I think it is amazing just like she is.  

Enjoy.....



A friend of mine posted the following on Face Book yesterday.

The hand written part says “I will not act like a jackass to my father anymore.”  It was assigned after a not so great math homework session.  It literally made me laugh out loud.  I could relate.  The words I loathe to hear during homework are “My teacher doesn’t do it that way,” or “Mom, that’s the right answer, but you did it wrong and I won’t get credit.”  These statements become standoffs and the whole situation turns into a meltdown.  When I first read this post, I thought, “hmmm, maybe I should try this tactic and see if it helps.” I read it in the morning and it came to mind several times during the day, again always bringing a laugh.  However, by the end of the day I had recalled my own moments while helping with homework and came to the conclusion that I could never issue that punishment to my children.  The truth is I am usually the one acting like a jackass and this realization hit me smack in the face!  I am not a teacher and I have never claimed to be able to teach.  When I contemplate going back to work friends say, “Get your teaching degree that would be the easiest job to have while raising kids.”  They were right as it related to summer break and all the holidays; however, it would also mean that I would actually have to teach and that is NOT an easy job.  I don’t understand how to explain to my own 3^rd grader that 3 x 4 =12.  My response is “because 3 x 4 =12 – it just is, memorize it”.  

Through raising 4 children (and with the youngest being only 7 I have a ways to go) I have learned that they are all different and they all have different challenges that they meet.  Several of these challenges I never knew existed before being confronted with them and I certainly couldn’t relate to them, but I’ve learned to read and research and try to understand who they are and how they work and more importantly how I can help them.  Not fix them, but help them be the best person they can be.  The person God created them to be and intended for me to love, cherish, understand, and accept.  This is not just for me and my children, but for anyone.  I don’t always understand why people are the way they are and I never will, but I am trying to love and accept everyone and everybody for who they are and where they are in life.  This is especially true for my friend Natalie.  I always viewed depression has having a root cause, a trigger of some sort and when she first shared with me her struggles I prayed, with ignorance, that she could identify that trigger and deal with it and move on and get better.  Of all of my friends, I knew she could persevere and pull through. After all, she was always thinking of others, always following through on the great ideas that I (sometimes) had, she had a great family, a loving boyfriend (now husband) and depression didn’t suit her.  I prayed and prayed that she would be “fixed.”   I have never dealt with depression.  I have had down days and even down periods in my life, but I have never been clinically depressed and I hope I never will be.  Through research and reading Natalie’s blog I have come to understand depression a little better and have realized that there is no “fix”.  Natalie has shown us coping skills and shared stories to help us understand, but unless you have personally experienced it, I don’t believe anyone has the capability to really understand it.  So just like we accept our children for who they are, even if we don’t understand their struggles, we should accept others for who they are and who God created them to be.  Natalie is a voice from the dark that is shedding light on a struggle she faces every day and we should listen to that voice and learn from it.  So the next time I sit down to do homework I will try and remember that each child is different and the next time a friend confides in me her struggles I will listen and not immediately go in to “fix mode.”  In essence I will love and accept and not be a jackass J

Thanks for being patient with me as I try to understand and support you, thank you for being a great teacher!  Angie

A lot can happen in 365 days

I just hung up the phone with my boss.  I said, "Guess what happened a year ago today?"  He said something sarcastic in reply of course.  I replied, "We got engaged!"  He said, "OMG Natalie, think about what all has happened in a year!  Think about where you are now and how great it is."  Indeed, how great it is.

Honestly, I can't imagine going backward.  My "check in" this morning was "happy."  JT's reply was, "You seem in a good place."  "Yes!", "Me too."  
It feels so refreshing to be able to claim that.  Every step I took during the last 365 days was a path to reach this stage of happiness and recovery in my life.  I also cannot imagine walking this journey without my favorite "Ginger" by my side.    

Below are some of my favorite text messages I saved from April 24, 2013.  

 

 

    

Mind over matter

Going to make this one short and sweet.  After going to a new support group last night and being surrounded by 5 people with Bipolar and one man literally begging for help for his uninsured brother, we left there feeling compassion and sadness for the others, yet grateful for how far we have come.  I loved JT's text he sent me summarizing our discussion on the way home.  
xo...n

  

Pardon My French....

How fast a day can change!  My Monday started out like a peach (pardon the pun) and ended up rotten.  I have such a throbbing headache now I can't see straight.  I'm sad, I can't stop crying, I'm anxious, my heart is beating fast.  All of these things indicate triggers and that I'm supposed to pull out these magical things we call coping skills.  It's like they are an arsenal to combat the bad and the ugly.  How do I combat a member of Senior management of a company screaming at me on the phone in a condescending tone essentially telling me I am stupid?  I'm not equipped for that!  I feel too weak to cope with that kind of a conversation.  It makes me so damn angry.  

What did I do?  I researched like I do everything these days.  My exact google search was "Managing by belittling others."  Here's an excerpt of what popped up under the first article I read.  It told me all I needed to know.  I've dried up my tears, had my shoulders rubbed and a great pep talk telling me all that I already knew but needed to hear.  I cannot make her "stuff" my "stuff."  I cannot combat that behavior.    


Understand their moods and behavior will swing back and forth. Narcissists can be very charming at times – usually to “win” people as friends or allies. Narcissists can be very vindictive at other times – usually as a result of a “narcissistic injury” when someone has threatened their superior self-image, either privately or publically. Both of these moods are temporary, so it’s not hopeless when he or she is being vindictive, and its not over when he or she is being charming again. You can often influence these moods. You just have to be careful. I know you will resent having to watch your own behavior so much, but it’s not that hard and it will make your life so much easier.     

Course, in typical fashion, my friend Ben seems to know what I need without even talking to me.  At 5:55 PM, this pops through my email with the subject line of "Have a great week."  

And I just am realizing I blogged twice today.  You may not need me, but I need you.  I need this outlet more than I ever knew.  
Thanks for listening....xo


      

Face your fear!

I remember hearing and also research validating that the majority of dog bites come out of the animal experiencing fear.  I also remember thinking that was nuts.  I don't feel that way anymore, especially since I'm seasoned in dog bites (that's a story for another day).  Fear brings out a number of emotions.  I think we are all fearful of the unknown.  I was scared to death when I was at Peachford and saw someone check the box on their self inventory, "are you having homicidal thoughts?" YES!  Even more fearful when she announced herself as Bipolar and proceeded to talk into a pretend walkie talkie as a member of the CIA. (Yes, you are allowed to laugh at this)  

One day in processing group, I was tired, not wanting to be there and I snapped at someone.  I told her she was being distracting.  She proceeded to get in the fetal position in a corner and rock and cry.  I felt horrible!  I apologized profusely for hurting her feelings.  She proceeded to leave the room.  The group facilitator said, "Natalie, you did nothing wrong.  Just remember there are different levels of mental illness."  She was Bipolar and has PTSD.  There you have it.  It was the unknown for me.  I didn't understand those illnesses.  I was fearful of them.      

I was baffled in support group a couple of weeks ago about the word mania in association with Bipolar.  The symptoms were ones I had never experienced and to my knowledge never been around.  The reality is it was pure fear on my part because I was surrounded by Bipolar patients at The Peach and also in my support group meetings.  I was experiencing thoughts of fear simply because it's something I cannot relate to and understand.  I'm learning though.  I'm learning that along with Bipolar comes depression and that is something I can relate to daily.  I'm challenging myself to learn more about this illness and I challenge you as well to open yourself up to learning about things you are in fear of.  We have a tendency to react quickly and listen poorly when we don't understanding something.  

     
I'm looking forward to going to a new support group tomorrow night and facing my fears of the unknown -- new people, new topics, a new group.  All 3 things I'm equipped now to overcome.  
  

Guest Blog...And in all things be thankful

Angie Dillon Morton....Christian mother of 4, wife of l, loyal friend to many, Auburn alum, driver of kids, homework Nazi, Bible study facilitator, Griffin native, Tampa transplant

Admittedly, I wrote Angie's bio.  She's too humble in my opinion to tout her attributes.  She has too many to summarize.  Suffice it to say, when going into any crisis, you want her on your team.  And on my team she has been.  Enjoy this most appropriate Easter guest blog from Angie. 

I love you my sweet friend.  Happy Easter! 


I have always believe there are 2 kinds of people, those who are in counseling and those who need to go to counseling.  I have never been to a professional counselor, but I have often sought counseling.  Be it from my parents, my husband, friends, or a stranger that did not understand the impact of their words, I have most certainly been in counseling.  The definition of counselor is "someone who advises," and we all have a friend or person we call for sound advice or just to listen.  Each of us has the "something" that we deal with, we all have struggles.  They look different from person to person, but we all have them. 


We live in a fallen world and we are not perfect.  After all isn't that what Easter is all about?  To remind us the Jesus, the One and only, died for us to save us from our sins, to proclaim victory for us and to free us from the sin we cannot escape?  John 16:33 says, "...You will have suffering in this world.  Be courageous!  I have conquered the world."  He died for you and He died for me so that we may have eternal life; a life free of suffering.  My pastor said, that when we are suffering we must "live with quiet strength in us that makes people stand up and take notice."  Life is  not always easy and life is not always fair, but in the end, because of the cross, we will be victorious!  

I am standing Natalie; standing in admiration of your strength and determination, standing in awe of your bravery.  You are right; God will never waste a hurt.  He will use it to glorify Him.  

And in all things be thankful...

Happy Resurrection Day! 

Angie
 

Good "Good Friday"

I'm surrounded by a few daily reminders of my time at Peachford.  Every time I take a shower I see the facial scrub they confiscated (shout out to Natalie Davis and the awesome Rodan + Fields she sells) with my patient ID, DOB and Doctor info.  

I turn and things like this also surround me and I realize how precious life really is.  

               

                   

I met a friend for dinner last night and I arrived a little early and she was a bit late so I sat back and ordered a glass of champagne which is highly out of character for me.  I savored every tiny drop and even toasted cheers with 2 ladies at the next table.  

Last weekend we walked in the 80 degree weather down Peachtree Street and I looked up at the sky and blinked back tears.  I wanted to cry because I couldn't imagine not ever seeing a blue sky again, the sun, fresh tulips.  I see life so differently now than I did before.  I have such an appreciation for "the little things."  I hope I hold onto that forever.      


It was a good "Good Friday."  

Imagine!

I'm kind of amazed at how much AA is similar to the recovery of Clinical Depression.  I was with a friend who is in AA this week and from our talking, I realized more and more our paths of recovery are so similar.  We have to "work the program" daily.  There are no social or racial barriers as to who is affected by our diseases.  I refuse to live in fear of a relapse, I just like to think I'm being gingerly cautious in self awareness.  

Ironically, I'm reading a book, Undoing Depression, and I was pleasantly surprised to read last night that this Doctor agrees.  He said, "People in AA know from experience that not drinking is not enough; they have to "live the program."  Like alcoholism, depression is a lifelong  condition that can be cured only by a deliberate effort to change ourselves."  I feel like being a sponge and gathering as much information as I can on the topic is setting me up for success.  

I received the wisest, kindest text this morning from a friend that is so worthy of sharing:  

You are peeling back the layers of those things that have burdened you piece by piece.  We don't know we are in bondage to something until we are no longer a slave to it.  

I see your future self HAPPY.  Able to take DEEP breaths.  Able to ENJOY.  Confident.  Secure.  FREE. 

Begin seeing yourself as that.  And instead of thinking ABOUT what you want for your life tomorrow, 6 months from now, 5 years from now...begin thinking FROM that.  

Imagine.  Think FROM what you imagine.  It will happen.  

Be Brave!

It's a good day.  I count these days and hold them close to my heart.  Not literally count, but I am grateful and I see them much differently than I did before.  

There are many boxes left to check as we say in our household and they never seem to end.  I've checked a lot of the boxes in the last 2 days.  I've officially broken up with my therapist and have a brand new appointment next week with someone else.  My support group last night reinforced I'm making the best decision for me and my recovery.  I'm hopeful.  I installed my brand new printer and even learned to print from my iPhone.  I've ordered my Be Brave print and a new Indigo rug for my office, officially picked paint colors for my bedroom, bath, guest room, guest bath and downstairs bath.  Stepping out of my comfort zone.    

Brave and Hopeful!  I couldn't ask for much more today.  xo....n

Top Ten

Letterman I am not, but I'm finding lately I may not be with the right therapist so until I find a new one, I need to be proactive in homework and combating triggers.  This morning I created my own Top 10 Things I Should Do to Battle Depression.  In the interest of full disclosure, I don't do all of these regularly but they are goals and I know they work.  

1.  Combat feeling overwhelmed.  Make small, realistic goals.  This relates to both work and personal for me.  I have to remember to delete phone calls, make a list, clean out my in box, see what my week is going to look like.    

2.  Take my meds.  This isn't rocket science but occasionally I forget.  It's only happened once since "The Peach."  I've recently changed my daily pill box to live beside the Keurig as a morning reminder.    

3.  Exercise.  Suffice it to say, walking to and around the cul-de-sac is a feat for me at this point.  It's just a proven fact and makes sense - exercise is important for us all mentally and physically.  

4.  Therapy appointments.  I used to get super excited to go to therapy and then I realized last week when I dreaded my appointment that it's time to make a change.  Change is always hard.  However, according to the experts, medicines combined with psychotherapy are the 2 best bets in combating this illness.  

5.  Support group attendance.  I've learned that being around like minded people striving for the same goal is so healthy for me.  It's refreshing to be in a room with a retired Radiologist, a Mom of 2, an Attorney, a retired Father of a Bipolar son, a Nurse at Wesley Woods and the list goes on and on.  All people suffering yet wanting to help each other and themselves to live a healthy life.       

6.  Pay it forward.  My friend "A" is a wonderful example and encourages me more than she realizes to pay it forward.  Doing something for someone else simply makes me feel better.     

7.  Getting Spiritually Fit.  I believe in God.  My faith matters to me, everyday, not just Easter Sunday.  It has brought me through some of my darkest hours.  It gave me the friends I have today.  It is important to me to have a church home I can call my own.  I cannot combat problems as well when I am spiritually lazy.        

8.  Family & Friend focus.  When you feel like you've disappointed the people who know you and love you the most, it's a daunting feeling.  I'm overcoming this feeling.  In turn, it has made me shut out some of the people I love the very most in my life.  It's important for me to let them know it's not them, it's me.  "What can I do to help?"  These words are amazingly comforting to someone feeling overwhelmed like me.  I've learned to accept the help.  I've learned that people rarely offer things they don't mean.  The letters, the texts, the meals, the prayers, the calls, the emails have gotten us through.  I am truly humbled in how loved I feel.      

9.  Check in.  If you read my blog regularly, you know how important the check in is for me and JT.    http://1013isnotmyhousenumber.blogspot.com/2014/04/check-in-or-check-out.html  

10.  Tune in the music, tune out the news.  For me, there's nothing better than a great play list combining Bon Jovi, Nashville and some 80's pop.  What I don't do well with is the local news or CNN blasting all of the school shootings, downed planes, house fires and anything else you can imagine that's sad.    

Happy Easter Week.....n

Answers to the Q's

Q.  Who or what was your biggest source of strength while at "The Peach?"

A.  Hmmm, I have 3.  

1.  JT, I don't have enough words to say about how this man has supported me unconditionally.  He answered the phone morning, noon and night and always had a positive thing to say to me to get me through.  He told me who texted him, took handwritten notes from me to text, read me Bible verses, told me who all loved me and funny kitty stories about Gabby and Pepper (anything to make me smile.)  

2.  My friend, "S" who was in "The Peach" with me.  She was the only person who came from across the room to me as I sat in the vitals chair upon my arrival tired, scared, dirty and sad.  She introduced herself and said, "It's gonna be okay Natalie, I was you yesterday."  That gave me such peace.  She will be a forever friend.  We took a journey together that no one can understand.    

3.  My Prayer Journal my Mother-in-law Lynn brought to me.  When you don't have a clear mind, it is so hard to stay on track with a prayer which in turn creates guilt.  This little special red book afforded me the ability to read small sentences of her notes and Bible verses.  They were amazing!  I read many of them to my roommate at midnight on my last night. 

Q.  Could you have visitors?  

A.  Yes, but only on Sunday from 2-3 PM and Wednesday from 6:30-7:30 PM. JT was so great about organizing the visits.  It was planned out where I saw him first, my parents second, Lynn and Michael next, a couple of friends and then him at the end all within an hour.  On Wednesday, he did the same thing with Mom and Dad and the Bohannons.   

Q.  Was family involved in your treatment?  

A.  Yes, I was assigned a Social Worker who called JT to discuss my case and set up what they call a "Family Session."  The sessions include education about depression, an understanding of what leads to crisis, developing a crisis plan and determining the next steps of the treatment plan.  One word = intense!  

It's late and I have a busy week ahead of work, therapy, support group and homework.  I'll leave you with one of my favorites from the Prayer Journal.  Matthew 6:25